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Ela's avatar

Thank you for this post! First, you both look beautiful and yourselves, as always!

I learned I had a miscarriage this week (I am currently in the process of letting my body finish its natural course), and reading about integrating the good and the bad feels just what I needed to be reminded of.

Last Friday we had an emergency ultrasound, there was an embryo and a heartbeat. For the first time, we saw something. Something beautiful. Then I had another bleeding between exams, and this Thursday we received the news it was no longer there. It was painful.

I hope to soon find a place where both experiences feel integrated. The beauty of being able to see it for the first time that little flickering image, and days later the void of knowing it is no longer there. But it happened, I can't ignore the good and only stay with the pain. I need to learn how to make space for both to exist.

Thank you once again for sharing your experience and words of wisdom.

You are just the best ❤️

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Carol Lee Annette's avatar

As always thank you. I haven't posted before, probably out of fear my thoughts wouldn't be "good enough" for anyone else to hear. I am a cancer survivor and a stem cell transplant survivor like Suleika and everyday I am grateful to be alive. That sounds trite but for me it is my essential truth. I am alive and I am here. I get to enjoy and endure each day so far as it will take me.

Speaking of far, traveling is on my bucket list. I live alone without a partner so traveling would mean going solo. Back in my twenties my ex husband and I traveled the country in a VW bus for a month. I have a son who with his wife lived in an airstream trailer and traveled all the 48 lower states for about 10 years. I have always joked that when I retired, they would have to pull me along in an "in-law" trailer. Now that I am totally retiring when the semester is done, the calendar is open and I should be on my way. Fear of who knows, anything, everything keeps me from planning. At Thanksgiving someone 10 years older than me told me he was happy to have traveled the world when he could because his body wouldn't let him do it anymore. For me that was advice to do it while I still can. Fill me with your loving kindness and support as I try to conquer this fear and plan a trip for myself.

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