Dear Susu #8: On Unsolicited Advice

"My son reacted negatively to my (helpful?) point of view. Should I have stayed silent?"

Welcome to the latest installment of Dear Susu, my advice column where I answer your questions about writing and life and everything in between. Today’s question is from “A Concerned Dad,” who wonders how to deal with his son’s resistance to unsolicited advice, however helpful. I offered some thoughts, but since our community is full of beautiful humans who have navigated this situation, I’d love for you to weigh in too.

Mahfuzur Rahman, Fatherhood (2020)

Dear Susu,

I am having difficulty navigating my own conflicting views of parenthood. My son, who’s had a few start-up jobs since college, expresses a desire to find “the one” and get married. He is upset at my unsolicited dad advice that in order to wed and have any kids, he needs to find a career, not just a job. I then made things worse by suggesting a wonderful career for him—becoming a hospital RN. (And I threw in there that male nurses have gone from 2.7% of RNs in 1970 to 12% now.)

There is this age-old dilemma for moms and dads. We have decades of life experience and want to use it to save our children from making mistakes. But our children may see our intervention as intrusive and crossing a boundary.

I’m confused at my son’s strong negative reaction to my (helpful?) point of view. Should I have stayed silent?

A Concerned Dad

Dear Concerned Dad,

When I read your note, I found it remarkable: you express so much in such a small number of words. There’s your love for your son and your protective instinct and your impatience. There’s your conflict with him and your conflict with yourself, your certainty and your doubt, your sense of remorse and also a little indignation. There’s your acknowledgement that this is how things go, and your disbelief that this is how things are going.

I’d venture to say that anyone who read your letter would agree that your dilemma is more than familiar. It’s as widespread as water on this planet and, as you aptly put it, age old. Allowing someone you love to follow their own path, however circuitous—to watch them make choices that, it seems to you, will inevitably result in pain—is extremely difficult. It can feel very strange and even wrong to allow them to cruise headlong into a mistake, like letting someone walk into oncoming traffic. I think this is even more true when it’s a parent with a child. You want so badly for your children to be okay, and the thought that they might not be? It verges on unbearable.