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William Dickinson's avatar

Prompt 258. Not There, But Here by Mariah Zebrowski Leach

Suleika, your story about Sunshine (Sunscreen, Sunburn), and the picture of your two silly ones celebrating with empty glasses, brought me to tears. These little ones are gifts of joy, and what they bring to our lives reminds me of my carpe diem: gratitude.

In response to today’s prompt, I apologize in advance for writing, again, about the loss of my wife. But I do so because Mariah’s story resonates and is emblematic of the devastation that followed my wife’s death. I will keep it brief.

To me, the conclusions of Suleika’s and Mariah’s stories are similar. “Stop and smell the flowers.” Hidden within this suggestion is the recognition that gratitude is life giving. Rather than seizing the moment by consuming and grabbing, gratitude can be found each moment by sitting (figuratively and literally) in silence, observing, noticing those things that bring joy, that trigger appreciation of unexpected gifts, like the wonder and innocence of a silly puppy (I know this could be a run-on sentence).

The effect of the devastation on Mariah following the destruction of her home and neighborhood is quite like the defeat I experienced following Mary’s death (“…I felt a twist of pain in my belly.”). My world was dead. There were days when I literally wanted to climb the walls to escape my suffocating anxiety about what happened and the dark uncertainty of the future. I am not so sure I have weathered the storm, but I am still breathing. This is my unfinished journey, at least here, on this Earth. I endeavor to continue the journey, but I have not yet found the way to carry on with me in the physical realm and Mary in the formless realms. So, while that pursuit is proceeding, I am “here,” not “there,” filing away my moments of gratitude in that big, invisible library of emotions. Helping others to realize their potential gives me a purpose and adds some of the meaning I have lost.

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Linda Hoenigsberg's avatar

"..but I think I was waiting for some sort of conclusion to my own story—as if I would magically hit some special point where my own life experiences would culminate into some resonant ending." Mariah's words reminded me of something. In 2013-2014 I worked on a memoir that detailed a life of immense struggle and culminated with me having a brain surgery that left me unable to walk or see. The manuscript ends with a triumphant graduation with a masters degree and subsequent successful career as a psychotherapist. The lesson? Persevere because God will come through for you (always). About two weeks after the manuscript was finished, I found out that due to lots of errors on the part of my team of doctors, the brain tumor had grown back and I would have to have the surgery all over again. The thriving private practice I had written about had to close down in 2014 and my future was all but certain. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and even started a new piece of writing yesterday. The story is different, but also valuable. Suleika's words, Instead, my guiding principle is to meet every day as if it’s my first—to welcome each new morning with the wonder and curiosity of a newborn. Rather than what I can get out of this life or what I can seize from it, I’ve reoriented my gaze to what feels life-giving—both to my own sense of well-being and to the other humans and creatures around me" is how I want to view my life, and if I write about it, I want it to be life-giving words...helpful words. Thanks, Suleika...you always remind me of what's really important. Congratulations on adopting Sunshine!

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