Hi friend,
When I was growing up, my family didn’t have cable television. On weekends, my brother and I were allowed to go to the video store and could each choose one movie to rent. Other than that, I didn’t watch much television. (I often cite this as the reason that almost every reference to pop culture from that era goes right over my head.)
That changed when I got sick. At that point, television became a kind of refuge, especially the show Grey’s Anatomy. There were times when it felt absurdly dramatic—like when the city was hit yet again with another large scale tragedy, with ambulances screeching in left and right. But it was also an opening—like an entrance to a universe parallel to the one I’d been thrown into.
Once I started watching Grey’s Anatomy, I was no longer alone in a hospital room. Instead, I realized that I was part of a very real, very human ecosystem. I began to get curious about my nurses and doctors, to pay attention to their humor, their work dramas, their lives. I even began to project the show’s juicy plot lines onto the world around me. One day, I asked a resident if her life was anything like the show. “Everyone is significantly less attractive,” she said, “but we have just as much sex.”
And so, besides offering an escape, Grey’s Anatomy helped quell many of my fears—not necessarily about my prognosis, but about the everyday reality of my life. It was such a wondrous experience, to have a work of fiction make my world feel a little more real, easier to endure.
This, in essence, is the subject of today’s prompt, from the actor, writer, and indie film producer Helenna Santos. Here’s hoping it transports you.
Sending love,
Suleika
P.S. I’m very excited to announce that my next Studio Visit guest is the New York Times-bestselling novelist and memoirist Stephanie Danler. It’ll be on July 18 at 1pm ET. We’ve also chosen her delicious novel Sweetbitter as our July Book Club pick. Become a paid subscriber to join us!
153. Your Life Is a Movie by Helenna Santos
I came of age in the early 90s, and out in the Canadian countryside where I grew up, I was heavily influenced by the TV shows, movies, music, magazines, and books of my time. I had the movie Reality Bites on VHS, and I watched it so often that the picture was almost all static. I made mixtapes and then later, mixed CDs of my favorite bands—Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Veruca Salt, Weezer, Pink Floyd—and I’d listen to them while walking the country roads, dreaming about being an adult and living in the big city.
Back then, my teenage angst was real. Like many teens, I sometimes felt alone and lost, and I let these songs and stories transport me. I felt validated through movies and music, and that influenced how I related to the world. Seeing other artists laying themselves bare inspired me to dig deep into my imagination and my emotions and put that into creative expression.
I once had a boyfriend (drummer #4) who told me, “Your life is not a movie.” He said that I lived as if each moment was a dramatic scene with a soundtrack playing. Perhaps I did live life a little too “dramatically.” But I also think that allowing myself to sit in that heightened emotion is what gave me legs as a writer.
I believe there is a profound connection between the media that we consume and our own experience. All these years later, I still find myself walking through each day as if there’s a soundtrack playing on a cassette in my walkman, and I am the star of this blockbuster hit, and I’m 100% cool with that. It gives me the confidence and creative spark that I need to guide me through the day.
Your prompt for this week:
Choose a movie or show that had a strong influence on you growing up—something that evoked a visceral reaction in your gut. If you were a character in that film or show, who would you be? What are your likes and dislikes? What food do you eat? Who is your best friend, your lover, your enemy? What song is playing on your character’s personal soundtrack as you walk down the street?
Today’s Contributor
Helenna Santos is an actor, writer, and indie film producer. She is the author of the recently released poetry book A Long Dark Summer, a pseudo-memoir based on her experiences as a bi-racial Asian American woman in the film and tv industry. Her work as a contributing writer has been featured in a variety of publications including MovieMaker, Backstage, WeScreenplay, and BUST Magazine.
We’re excited to host Stephanie Danler for our next Studio Visit on July 18 at 1pm ET. Stephanie is a novelist, memoirist, and screenwriter. She is the author of Stray and the international bestseller Sweetbitter, and is also the creator and executive producer of the Sweetbitter series on Starz. Her nonfiction received an Honorable Mention in Best American Essays 2018, and her criticism won the 2019 Robert B. Heilman award from the Sewanee Review. She is based in Los Angeles, California.