Dear Suleika, thank you for spending some of your precious energy to share this with us. I love how you bring us back to the meaningful, small moments. Sending hugs, strength and prayers to you, your loved ones and this wonderful community.
These are darker days when a close friend is in palliative/end-of-life - sitting in empathy and being on hand. Caregiver-to-caregiver support at least helps me feel useful, but anticipatory grief weighs heavy. I'm leaning back into the works of Brené Brown, Susan David and Kristin Neff, but words and the brain can't metabolise feelings. I have no solutions or advice; I just wanted to share in case anyone else feels heavy-hearted. December can be incredibly dark for caregivers/former caregivers. Music, meditation and movement are on my to-do list.
I have 6 sisters so usually one says, “who do I have to fight?” which is funny because we have never fought anyone. It just means “I got you.” Usually it is not advice but more listening and “if you need my help I’m there.” One morning it was raining really bad and it was dark out. I came off the bridge and I had a flat tire. It was dark and cold out. I still had a bit to go to get to work. I live in nyc so you can’t just leave your car. I texted my boss and she told me to take my time, be safe, do not worry, and to make sure I stopped to get my coffee! She was a tough woman to work for but her response made me remember that stuff happens and we need to be understanding/empathetic with others. I know a flat tire is not a difficult time… but it represents the tough times I have had and how it’s not always the advice but more the comfort of others that help me to not fall apart or feel destroyed.
Reading your dad saying 'thats exactly what you should do' brought tears to my eyes. So simple moving and perfect support. Am in the middle of a seemingly hopeless situation and all these words you share here are so appreciated. Thank you for the immense effort.
Thank you for the lovely and much needed essay. I have not been living in today but projecting into the future. S dark apocalyptic one. The best advice I received, wasn't advice, it was shared wisdom. I read Kate Bowler's book, "No cure for being human '. Cried most of the way through . So much love. It occured to me, that maybe the way through these dark days, isn't to sit back and wait for someone to show up to love me, but for me to show up and love others.l, something I can definitely do.
Awww Nadine, I'm going to search out Kate Bowler's book, I'm writing that phrase 'No cure for being human' in my journal today. Thanks. Empathy and connecting with others in our shared humanity does bring heart swell, even if it's in shared pain. xo P.S you may like Dr Sophie Mort's book 'A Manual for Being Human'
Hi Suleika, I hope you are feeling somewhat better! I too had Norovirus and a mild bladder infection, ended up at MSKCC urgent care for fluids, medication. You’re in good company, but a better person than crying , shrinking me. Got myself together, and along with dancing daughter went to a spectacular performance of Kyle Abraham’s “Lord make me beautiful “. This dancing spectacular broke me wide open. The Park Ave Armory was not large enough to hold the amount of tears I shed after the performance. Dance held me close, opened my eyes, and once again made me aware of the unimaginable beauty that can be part of our lives. It always is the “real medicine “for me. Happy Holidays .❤️⛄️
Rather than mention the supportive and critical advice I received at a most difficult time years ago, here I include an excerpt from Pádraig Ó Tuama's poem "A Solstice Blessing":
I loved both of your reflections today. And cheers for dad on his simple and powerful actions. Who wouldn’t like to be tucked in for the night?💙🌿. I read your advice column too and in it your mum mentions plugging in to music as she walked alongside your dad, back home from the hospital. So doing what is right for the spirit in the moment, #essential. Sending you healing thoughts for a brighter week ahead. Much love to you.
In terms of advice.
I am the middle of 5 children, always a diplomat and peacekeeper,
Aka always doing someone else’s bidding😊. One day, I found myself sandwiched between two consecutive calls, my mum in Ireland and my brother in Boston, each complaining about the same specific thing, their business! It brought me to the edge of frustration to even be a party to this situation and in that very moment, I called a counselor! She could see me that very afternoon. After some recounting, she gently explained the concept of triangulation and in her words “triangulation and an Irish family, even more amplified/intense”. She showed me the way to begin to remove myself from this role. Next time, I was being wrangled in to the messy communication fold, I just calmly used my new words “and what is your plan, mum, to remedy this situation with (insert name!)?” And with that, slowly but surely, my life, finally, started to change for the better.
Am I permitted a second response? I work in leadership development sales and just recently, one of our faculty designers, gently said to me, as we were debriefing on client call (and I was fretting). “why don’t you give yourself permission to stop worrying?”. Honestly, it lifted a huge weight off me and I have said those words to myself since.
Thank you Sulieka for your sharing the intimate moments with your Father. Having someone sit with me when I am physically suffering is the most precious thing anyone can do for me. I feel held and understood and I don’t have to put out any energy to interact with them. They are holding witness, holding presence, holding me in moments where I am just holding on. Yesterday I got up and came into the kitchen and said to my husband I feel so sad that I just can’t keep up like I use to. I never know how the day will unfold physically for me. His response was simple but it was so accepting, “ You are here, nothing more is needed of you.” In our 9 years of a journey with lymphoma he has not always been so accepting. I have felt very alone. But now we have both evolved to this place of acceptance, of just making space for where I am. I have tried so hard to be the force of energy of who I had been and maybe that has not allowed me to be the person I am now. Maybe who I have become because of what seems like limitations are really opportunities to uncover the vulnerable but truer nature of who I am. I need to do further testing of suspected CT scans. A friend noted how stressed she was about it. I said to her that it just makes me see how valuable my loved ones are. This moment is all I have.
What you say about having tried so hard to be the force of energy and that maybe it precluded you from being who you are now - a more understanding, accepting, truer version of you - this is so beautiful and hit home this morning. Thank you. Sending light and love your way.
“I have tried so hard to be the force of energy of who I had been and maybe that has not allowed me to be the person I am now.” Barbara those are profound words and resonate deeply. Thank you and best of luck to you .
Some of the best advice I've received is exactly what your father practices, Suleika. Someone once said to me "right now is the only moment that exists". Different types of meditation help strengthen remaining present and in the moment, focusing on our breath, ridding our minds of so many swirling thoughts. When I was going through my divorce I had the most difficult time. My solar plexus throbbed, my geart ached, I didn't know how I was going to get through each day as a newly single mom with three daughters. There were days where I practiced being present literally one moment to the next. When I woke up, I started my day by reciting every move, every process, relishing what was real each second "I am waking up, I am opening my eyes, I am touching the blanket, I am lifting my legs, I am placing my feet on the floor, I am placing my hands on the bed . . . " With each tiny action I would relish every detail. Opening my eyes I noted the morning light, the way my room was laid out, all the things around me I loved, touching my blankets I enjoyed the soft cottons and thickness of my favorite quilt, the give of my mattress, the rug beneath my feet, the feel of toothpaste in my mouth. Doing this seemingly strenuous practice kept me sane and moving forward in my day, appreciating every nuance of my daily life. I will often go back to this practice when I am in a tough spot, or going through a particularly hard time. Thank you for today's prompt and reminding me that right now is the only thing that is real.
Your "being present literally one moment to the next" practice, is simply and utterly exquisite and true and so what I needed this morning. Its beauty made me cry. I have felt swallowed up by overwhelming chaos and your words are showing me a way through it all. Thank you thank you.
I have such gratitude for your beautiful words and transparency. The thought of being tucked in by my father, even though I am 63-brought tears to my eyes. Your words today are such a reminder that we don’t need a permission slip to give ourselves grace (my word of the year for 2025) and to lather ourselves with small things that bring moments of comfort. I continue to send warm and healing thoughts and energy your way.
Once upon a time, a few months ago, I submitted a music composition to my Soundcloud channel. Soundcloud now has a way of analyzing a music piece and if it is found acceptable it gets recommended to a larger audience. This particular piece was rejected. The advice was “this piece needs a bit of tweaking, Then we can recommend it.”What needed tweaking? No advice.
Over the weeks I would search for tweakable moments, find a maybe spot, and resubmit the music. All I got back was “tweak it.”Several times I decided enough is enough. This piece will remain unacceptable to Soundcloud.
A couple of days ago, out walking, I listened again to this piece of music. Suddenly, I recognized something that I truly believed needed “tweaking”. I went home and reopened the working composition. I worked for a while shifting the volume of various tracks. Then, unexpectedly, I made a major shift in how to begin the piece. I knew immediately the “tweaking” was finally done. The piece was richer, more to my liking.
So, the lack of detailed advice served me well. Who did I truly need to satisfy? Not Soundcloud. Yours truly. I had needed tweaking. Sometimes I arrive at a composition too soon. In my excitement I rush to post it on my channel. This time, over weeks, I was “forced” to give up, or dig deeper. It was actually when I put the shovel down, surrendered, that the needed “tweaking” occurred. Maybe I needed to go through this to better understand the title of the piece, and the music itself. The title: “In the Woods, I am the Forest Walking.” 🏮
My friend and mentor Rebecca responded with an earth shattering comment when asked how she had got through the year her father died unexpectedly in January, she was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after, her brother was diagnosed with a life threatening illness just weeks after that and then in June he died while she was under the knife going through her reconstruction surgery. I said how did you keep going, she was also a practicing family lawyer and head of a non profit called The Lunch Project and the children in Africa never skipped a meal that The Lunch Project was facilitating. How did she keep doing each day? She said “my dad told me that things may not be falling apart, they may just be changing shape.”
I have carried this wisdom with me through my life ever since she said it.
Thank you once again for this post and sharing. I too am a planner , the fixer at home and at work. it worse this time of year. The reminder that I need to be grateful and think about just the right now was beautiful. The prompt on hope again, thank you to you and this community. Forever grateful
Oddly it's your own words that are forming some of my advice for difficult times. I was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had major surgery a couple of weeks ago, to be followed by chemo at the end of January. I didn't realize as I read "Between Two Kingdoms" that you would become a guide through my waterfall of emotions. Thank you, and I wish you health and strength.
Dear Suleika, thank you for spending some of your precious energy to share this with us. I love how you bring us back to the meaningful, small moments. Sending hugs, strength and prayers to you, your loved ones and this wonderful community.
These are darker days when a close friend is in palliative/end-of-life - sitting in empathy and being on hand. Caregiver-to-caregiver support at least helps me feel useful, but anticipatory grief weighs heavy. I'm leaning back into the works of Brené Brown, Susan David and Kristin Neff, but words and the brain can't metabolise feelings. I have no solutions or advice; I just wanted to share in case anyone else feels heavy-hearted. December can be incredibly dark for caregivers/former caregivers. Music, meditation and movement are on my to-do list.
And hard on grievers of loved ones who left us.
I have 6 sisters so usually one says, “who do I have to fight?” which is funny because we have never fought anyone. It just means “I got you.” Usually it is not advice but more listening and “if you need my help I’m there.” One morning it was raining really bad and it was dark out. I came off the bridge and I had a flat tire. It was dark and cold out. I still had a bit to go to get to work. I live in nyc so you can’t just leave your car. I texted my boss and she told me to take my time, be safe, do not worry, and to make sure I stopped to get my coffee! She was a tough woman to work for but her response made me remember that stuff happens and we need to be understanding/empathetic with others. I know a flat tire is not a difficult time… but it represents the tough times I have had and how it’s not always the advice but more the comfort of others that help me to not fall apart or feel destroyed.
Reading your dad saying 'thats exactly what you should do' brought tears to my eyes. So simple moving and perfect support. Am in the middle of a seemingly hopeless situation and all these words you share here are so appreciated. Thank you for the immense effort.
Thank you for the lovely and much needed essay. I have not been living in today but projecting into the future. S dark apocalyptic one. The best advice I received, wasn't advice, it was shared wisdom. I read Kate Bowler's book, "No cure for being human '. Cried most of the way through . So much love. It occured to me, that maybe the way through these dark days, isn't to sit back and wait for someone to show up to love me, but for me to show up and love others.l, something I can definitely do.
Such a beautiful and important shift.
Awww Nadine, I'm going to search out Kate Bowler's book, I'm writing that phrase 'No cure for being human' in my journal today. Thanks. Empathy and connecting with others in our shared humanity does bring heart swell, even if it's in shared pain. xo P.S you may like Dr Sophie Mort's book 'A Manual for Being Human'
Lovely post Nadine - and great advice ! Thank you.
Thank you Nadine. That’s a positive way through. And I’ll be adding No Cure for Being Human to my TBR list.
pause but don’t shut down
take a bit of time for you
slowly step forward
notice one small thing
tiniest bit of beauty
refreshing your soul
I love your dad! What a caring, compassionate, and loving father!
Hi Suleika, I hope you are feeling somewhat better! I too had Norovirus and a mild bladder infection, ended up at MSKCC urgent care for fluids, medication. You’re in good company, but a better person than crying , shrinking me. Got myself together, and along with dancing daughter went to a spectacular performance of Kyle Abraham’s “Lord make me beautiful “. This dancing spectacular broke me wide open. The Park Ave Armory was not large enough to hold the amount of tears I shed after the performance. Dance held me close, opened my eyes, and once again made me aware of the unimaginable beauty that can be part of our lives. It always is the “real medicine “for me. Happy Holidays .❤️⛄️
Rather than mention the supportive and critical advice I received at a most difficult time years ago, here I include an excerpt from Pádraig Ó Tuama's poem "A Solstice Blessing":
'...may each breath rest you,
as it has until now, and now
and now. This one, after
that one, after that one after
that.'
Peace, health & joy this season to all.
Beautiful. ❤️
Suleika and Gail,
I loved both of your reflections today. And cheers for dad on his simple and powerful actions. Who wouldn’t like to be tucked in for the night?💙🌿. I read your advice column too and in it your mum mentions plugging in to music as she walked alongside your dad, back home from the hospital. So doing what is right for the spirit in the moment, #essential. Sending you healing thoughts for a brighter week ahead. Much love to you.
In terms of advice.
I am the middle of 5 children, always a diplomat and peacekeeper,
Aka always doing someone else’s bidding😊. One day, I found myself sandwiched between two consecutive calls, my mum in Ireland and my brother in Boston, each complaining about the same specific thing, their business! It brought me to the edge of frustration to even be a party to this situation and in that very moment, I called a counselor! She could see me that very afternoon. After some recounting, she gently explained the concept of triangulation and in her words “triangulation and an Irish family, even more amplified/intense”. She showed me the way to begin to remove myself from this role. Next time, I was being wrangled in to the messy communication fold, I just calmly used my new words “and what is your plan, mum, to remedy this situation with (insert name!)?” And with that, slowly but surely, my life, finally, started to change for the better.
Am I permitted a second response? I work in leadership development sales and just recently, one of our faculty designers, gently said to me, as we were debriefing on client call (and I was fretting). “why don’t you give yourself permission to stop worrying?”. Honestly, it lifted a huge weight off me and I have said those words to myself since.
Love this. Looked up this poet’s site - very nice and his mum’s “testimonial” pure Irish mammy ☘️
Thank you for this, Mary. I love it!!! How good to remember that life giving gift of breath.
Thank you Sulieka for your sharing the intimate moments with your Father. Having someone sit with me when I am physically suffering is the most precious thing anyone can do for me. I feel held and understood and I don’t have to put out any energy to interact with them. They are holding witness, holding presence, holding me in moments where I am just holding on. Yesterday I got up and came into the kitchen and said to my husband I feel so sad that I just can’t keep up like I use to. I never know how the day will unfold physically for me. His response was simple but it was so accepting, “ You are here, nothing more is needed of you.” In our 9 years of a journey with lymphoma he has not always been so accepting. I have felt very alone. But now we have both evolved to this place of acceptance, of just making space for where I am. I have tried so hard to be the force of energy of who I had been and maybe that has not allowed me to be the person I am now. Maybe who I have become because of what seems like limitations are really opportunities to uncover the vulnerable but truer nature of who I am. I need to do further testing of suspected CT scans. A friend noted how stressed she was about it. I said to her that it just makes me see how valuable my loved ones are. This moment is all I have.
What you say about having tried so hard to be the force of energy and that maybe it precluded you from being who you are now - a more understanding, accepting, truer version of you - this is so beautiful and hit home this morning. Thank you. Sending light and love your way.
“I have tried so hard to be the force of energy of who I had been and maybe that has not allowed me to be the person I am now.” Barbara those are profound words and resonate deeply. Thank you and best of luck to you .
Some of the best advice I've received is exactly what your father practices, Suleika. Someone once said to me "right now is the only moment that exists". Different types of meditation help strengthen remaining present and in the moment, focusing on our breath, ridding our minds of so many swirling thoughts. When I was going through my divorce I had the most difficult time. My solar plexus throbbed, my geart ached, I didn't know how I was going to get through each day as a newly single mom with three daughters. There were days where I practiced being present literally one moment to the next. When I woke up, I started my day by reciting every move, every process, relishing what was real each second "I am waking up, I am opening my eyes, I am touching the blanket, I am lifting my legs, I am placing my feet on the floor, I am placing my hands on the bed . . . " With each tiny action I would relish every detail. Opening my eyes I noted the morning light, the way my room was laid out, all the things around me I loved, touching my blankets I enjoyed the soft cottons and thickness of my favorite quilt, the give of my mattress, the rug beneath my feet, the feel of toothpaste in my mouth. Doing this seemingly strenuous practice kept me sane and moving forward in my day, appreciating every nuance of my daily life. I will often go back to this practice when I am in a tough spot, or going through a particularly hard time. Thank you for today's prompt and reminding me that right now is the only thing that is real.
Your "being present literally one moment to the next" practice, is simply and utterly exquisite and true and so what I needed this morning. Its beauty made me cry. I have felt swallowed up by overwhelming chaos and your words are showing me a way through it all. Thank you thank you.
I have such gratitude for your beautiful words and transparency. The thought of being tucked in by my father, even though I am 63-brought tears to my eyes. Your words today are such a reminder that we don’t need a permission slip to give ourselves grace (my word of the year for 2025) and to lather ourselves with small things that bring moments of comfort. I continue to send warm and healing thoughts and energy your way.
Once upon a time, a few months ago, I submitted a music composition to my Soundcloud channel. Soundcloud now has a way of analyzing a music piece and if it is found acceptable it gets recommended to a larger audience. This particular piece was rejected. The advice was “this piece needs a bit of tweaking, Then we can recommend it.”What needed tweaking? No advice.
Over the weeks I would search for tweakable moments, find a maybe spot, and resubmit the music. All I got back was “tweak it.”Several times I decided enough is enough. This piece will remain unacceptable to Soundcloud.
A couple of days ago, out walking, I listened again to this piece of music. Suddenly, I recognized something that I truly believed needed “tweaking”. I went home and reopened the working composition. I worked for a while shifting the volume of various tracks. Then, unexpectedly, I made a major shift in how to begin the piece. I knew immediately the “tweaking” was finally done. The piece was richer, more to my liking.
So, the lack of detailed advice served me well. Who did I truly need to satisfy? Not Soundcloud. Yours truly. I had needed tweaking. Sometimes I arrive at a composition too soon. In my excitement I rush to post it on my channel. This time, over weeks, I was “forced” to give up, or dig deeper. It was actually when I put the shovel down, surrendered, that the needed “tweaking” occurred. Maybe I needed to go through this to better understand the title of the piece, and the music itself. The title: “In the Woods, I am the Forest Walking.” 🏮
What a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment you must’ve felt!
Beautiful
My friend and mentor Rebecca responded with an earth shattering comment when asked how she had got through the year her father died unexpectedly in January, she was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after, her brother was diagnosed with a life threatening illness just weeks after that and then in June he died while she was under the knife going through her reconstruction surgery. I said how did you keep going, she was also a practicing family lawyer and head of a non profit called The Lunch Project and the children in Africa never skipped a meal that The Lunch Project was facilitating. How did she keep doing each day? She said “my dad told me that things may not be falling apart, they may just be changing shape.”
I have carried this wisdom with me through my life ever since she said it.
This is such a powerful paradigm shift. Thank you for sharing Rebecca’s words with all of us.
Beautiful wisdom. I needed to hear that. What gifts everyone brings to me here. Thank you.
Thank you once again for this post and sharing. I too am a planner , the fixer at home and at work. it worse this time of year. The reminder that I need to be grateful and think about just the right now was beautiful. The prompt on hope again, thank you to you and this community. Forever grateful
"Scars are Stronger Stuff"
Oddly it's your own words that are forming some of my advice for difficult times. I was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had major surgery a couple of weeks ago, to be followed by chemo at the end of January. I didn't realize as I read "Between Two Kingdoms" that you would become a guide through my waterfall of emotions. Thank you, and I wish you health and strength.
Best wishes. ❤️🙏
Wishing you good health.