On November 11, 2009, I was on my deathbed in ICU. The doctors told my husband I had zero chance of survival. They didn't know what was wrong but my organs were failing, after a severe bout of pnemonia. I was on life support. Had been in intensive care for several days.
He was asked to make a choice between my dying in ICU or during an exploratory surgery. I imagine the question as "do you want your wife to die in the ICU or on the operating table?" It was something like that. He chose the surgery. I survived. It turns out I had full body sepsis and a toxic mega colon. They removed the colon. I started to improve immediately. They expected me to need longterm care, but I was on hospital for only a month. I grew stronger bit by bit. I had to have one additional surgery and I do have to return to Emergency sometimes but I am alive! I love life. I know what matters. I don't waste time on bullshit. I am full of gratitude: to the surgeons and staff of the Ottawa General Hospital, to dear friends who supported me and my husband during that difficult time and continue to do so but most of all to my husband, whose answer to the question saved my life. On September 23, we celebrate 22 years of marriage. Together.
I also lost family members to suicide...both my brother at twenty-five, and three years later, my father at fifty-one. During that season, I was also seriously mentally ill and suicidal. I suffered complicated grief for a long time, but my desire was to feel better and have a good life for my children. I saw a quote by George Eliot, "It's never too late to become what you might have been." My question...could I become something better? I went back to school at fifty-one and through many roadblocks (including brain surgery) I became a psychotherapist (and an artist). Today, at seventy-three, I believe I am living a joy-filled life, full of possibility and curiosity.
“What if I just did the hard thing, what if I didn’t resist change?”
I was a clingy kid, unsure about doing anything without my parents, I didn’t go to a sleepover parties, I found small changes monumental, I was friends with people who were bossy because I didn’t know how to say what I wanted. With encouragement from my parents, I reluctantly tried things that terrified me, and came to be in a constant state of tension whenever change or new things were thrust upon me. In my second to last high school year, a switch flicked. I had had enough of mediocrity - in friendships, sport, art, life. I went and asked to sit with some people I had long admired, and we became fast friends and are still tight to this day, I put my writing out into the world, I went on intrepid outdoor adventures, I moved out of home at 17 to a new city, I trialled for representative sports teams. I asked myself, ‘what if I just did it, and didn’t resist it?’ I realised all my life I thought change was bad and butted up against any that were brought upon me, I thought the discomfort of growth was bad, but I realised in high school when I saw how happy my soon-to-be-best-friends were, that something had to change. Because although I was plodding through life with minimal change, I wasn’t happy. I try now to say yes to things that scare me but that seem exciting, because I know I can do hard things, and if I can’t I have a strong band of best friends who will support me.
What if worrying makes things worse? My mom always worried. My dad, at least on the surface, didn’t. I sided with my mom, and grew up to believe that worrying showed you cared—that if I didn’t worry, I wasn’t a good person, and worrying itself might be some protective shield against whatever bad thing might be lurking around the next corner. But after a series of such bad things, I met a monk who convinced me otherwise—he actually had a diagram to prove that worrying didn’t help—not with problems you could do something about, and not with problems you couldn’t do anything about. I now have this chart on my refrigerator, and I gave one to my mom, too :) we laughed about it, which actually helped!
We should all have that monk's chart on our refrigerator!! Somehow, - I got to something similar with mindfulness. The worry doesn't help, - it just consumes us.
I sometimes make lists of the things I am worried about and what I would do if the thing I am worried about comes true. Of course I cannot anticipate everything that could go wrong, but having a response to it in my mind helps.
There is a movie character that in my family we cite when I or someone else brings up the little things that could go wrong: it's Aunt Josephine played by Meryl Streep in A Series of Unfortunate Events. I am glad you found a chart as a reminder of worrying not helping move the needle.
A question that is changing me in real time is, 'what if who I am is not who I was?' If I've been a 'quiet person' but I now practice speaking my mind with greater abandon, am I still a quiet person? I got my first tattoo two days ago, and it felt a little like the one way door I stepped through the first time I had sex. In an instant I went from being someone without a tattoo, to someone with a tattoo. And it is feeling so incredibly exciting to ask, 'what else about my body, mind or personality might be up for discussion? Up for evolution?'
Quite recently, I was in a relationship that had been resisting all of our attempts to keep it working. One day, I said to my soon-to-be ex: "Can you think of one truly compelling reason why we should stay together?" She could not. Neither could I.
Thank you, Abby. I think the question could be adapted to a lot of other contexts, too. Sometimes we simply continue to do something, and don't really think about why, or whether it's what is actually best for us.
I asked myself " What the fuck do you have to lose" With that after years of mostly horrible jobs and when not having budget's cut.. as a single parent of an adopted thi child.. I was on unemployment under $100-- called a friend-- can I put a desk in the back of your store front daycare center. She said yes, and I put a piece of drawing paper in the the window. "Dear Parents, I am a Doctor a Doctor of Education-- come and see me for tutoring, school counseling.... I am your neighborhood educational practitioner" And it began 1983 and I had "nothing the Fuck to lose".
What a beautiful contribution by both Dani and Drew;
I have recently asked a question of myself I. 2024: What if I say NO this time ? That changed the relationship of helping a relative, a situation that I felt has been overwhelming and enabling.
I was struggling in my sophomore year in college with trying to make myself into an engineer. I was failing many of my engineering classes but not my philosophy class. I put my head down on my study table over the Christmas Holiday and had an intense experience of a bright light coming into my mind and filling my body. And then I mentally heard a voice say to me: "Study what you are most interested (curious) about". So i changed my major to philosophy and it made all the difference in the world in my happiness and in my grades!
"What would the simplest, most elegant, haiku-like version of this look like?"
I love hearing my mind ask this question. I first heard David Allen, the author of Getting Things Done, say it many years ago. This beautiful question has stayed with me, been a light for me, and helped me see with clarity in the midst of complexity and confusion--many, many times.
Hi, when i first started reading, i couldn't think of a question and then your question, "what if I'm not a victim" made me remember my own. And they are versions of the same. So, when i was so angry with my boss and couldn't let it go and was berating myself for it - it's a beautiful day/a lovely cycle ride/ the only person whose suffering because of your anger is you - i asked myself what would happen if i wasn't angry and the answer was, 's/he'd get away with it'. Let me be clear, nothing that bad had happened, it was an office issue, but it made me realise that my anger was his/ her punishment and if i have up my anger, i had to accept there was no consequence for his/ her actions. And that was hard and the anger was protecting me from facing that. As soon as i realised this, my anger loosened it's grip on me. Nb i didn't want to be specific about gender because it felt too personal - and it wasn't. If that makes sense.
I was a month into aggressive chemo treatments for my second bout with breast cancer, waiting for the results from my PET SCAN to see if the cancer had spread.
“I’m sorry,” my oncologist said, “you have lung cancer.” Before I could speak, he illuminated the x-rays showing two quarter size spots on my left lung and a scattering of dime size spots on the other.
What else could it be?
He looked at me with sincerity and took time to answer.
“It could be a rare fungus, but that’s highly unlikely.”
How can we find out?
“You would take a strong antibiotic and return in two weeks for a chest x-ray.”
“What else could it be?” Since then, I hold all negative symptoms more lightly. It could be something less dire. Thank you for responding. All best wishes.
I love this prompt. I’ve gone back to writing my memoir-I started 10 years ago and put it down.
As I am rereading all of what I wrote about the really crazy and gut wrenching aspects of my life, I realize that there must have been some question I was asking myself as I navigated through some really tragic and traumatic events.
I’m not quite sure what it is. I do know that when my brother committed suicide and I was in that “numb” state that Drew referenced. My best friend called me and said she wanted to ask me a really tough question - and knowing it would be tough, she then said she wasn’t going anywhere once she asked it. “How long are you going to let your brother’s death run your life?” She was right. I was so angry. I hung up on her. She kept calling back.
In writing through this, I think my question has been, “how long are you going to let X run your life?” It has been such a powerful, life changing question. I can also see that my profession as a coach and consultant for decades now has been shaped by that question for my clients.
How interesting that I never articulated that question as such a guiding beacon.
This is so exciting. Thank you so much for this question about our questions. I think it’s a game changing identification for me.
What if I love and accept myself fully and completely? I have invited myself to entertain this question and in my daily meditation remind myself to make it a declaration.
What is a question you asked that changed your life? I grabbed onto the first question that popped into my mind. In my early 20s I met a woman, not much older than I, who belonged to a sect of Buddhism where, instead of quiet meditation, they chanted. I was intrigued, always looking for and exploring for life's answers, so I asked "how do I learn how to chant?". This question was so pivotal in my life, it led me down a road of study I still follow today. I have since stopped chanting and I now quietly meditate. I moved from Japanese Nichiron Buddhism to Mahayana Buddhism to Theravada Buddhism. The study of Buddhist philosophy, along with prayer and meditation, have helped me navigate the landscape of my life without being a victim, embracing my life's experiences as learning lessons and, for the most part, remaining present in each moment of every day. I was raised Catholic and I still love so many things about that religion but the core practice of Buddhism has gotten me through homeschooling my girls, various physical and mental health challenges, my divorce, surviving as a single mom, supporting my children into adulthood, supporting my oldest daughter through her cancer journey, supporting my youngest daughter as she became a mother herself, maintaining lifelong friendships and family relationships, and the loss of many friends and family along the way. This way of life has helped me cope on so many levels. I still get distracted and emotional at times. Meditation helps me find balance and pleasure in even the very smallest, day-to-day things in life.
Curiosity, for me, is a willingness to be lost, without a map, and a willingness to explore possibilities. As a musician I love to improvise. I pick up a flute and breathe the first note and this becomes an open door, an invitation to go on a journey, “where will this take me?” and who am I as I “add layers of sound and/or peel away layers as I approach the next intuited sound.” Recently, while walking a rail trail I came to a hill, a steep decline in the trail, and a sign read “steep hill, dismount here”. With today’s prompt I interpret this sign in a new way. Given that I wasn’t riding a bicycle or a horse, what, within myself, was I grasping too tightly to, what could I dismount, let go off, loosen up about? Another opportunity to throw away the map and adventure forth to discover.🏮
On November 11, 2009, I was on my deathbed in ICU. The doctors told my husband I had zero chance of survival. They didn't know what was wrong but my organs were failing, after a severe bout of pnemonia. I was on life support. Had been in intensive care for several days.
He was asked to make a choice between my dying in ICU or during an exploratory surgery. I imagine the question as "do you want your wife to die in the ICU or on the operating table?" It was something like that. He chose the surgery. I survived. It turns out I had full body sepsis and a toxic mega colon. They removed the colon. I started to improve immediately. They expected me to need longterm care, but I was on hospital for only a month. I grew stronger bit by bit. I had to have one additional surgery and I do have to return to Emergency sometimes but I am alive! I love life. I know what matters. I don't waste time on bullshit. I am full of gratitude: to the surgeons and staff of the Ottawa General Hospital, to dear friends who supported me and my husband during that difficult time and continue to do so but most of all to my husband, whose answer to the question saved my life. On September 23, we celebrate 22 years of marriage. Together.
Wow, Amanda! I'm so glad he made that decision!
How wonderfully amazing!
How wonderful! Happy Anniversary 💜!
What an amazing ending to such a frightening, difficult time in your lives! I am happy for you and your husband. 🩷
I’m so glad you’re here and loving life.
I also lost family members to suicide...both my brother at twenty-five, and three years later, my father at fifty-one. During that season, I was also seriously mentally ill and suicidal. I suffered complicated grief for a long time, but my desire was to feel better and have a good life for my children. I saw a quote by George Eliot, "It's never too late to become what you might have been." My question...could I become something better? I went back to school at fifty-one and through many roadblocks (including brain surgery) I became a psychotherapist (and an artist). Today, at seventy-three, I believe I am living a joy-filled life, full of possibility and curiosity.
“It's never too late to become what you might have been.”
Great quote! I’m glad to hear things turned out well in the end.
Thank you for sharing. Life can be so damn hard and I am so glad you found joy.
I love that quote by George Eliot. You are an incredibly strong person, Linda. ❤️
just plain lovely.
“What if I just did the hard thing, what if I didn’t resist change?”
I was a clingy kid, unsure about doing anything without my parents, I didn’t go to a sleepover parties, I found small changes monumental, I was friends with people who were bossy because I didn’t know how to say what I wanted. With encouragement from my parents, I reluctantly tried things that terrified me, and came to be in a constant state of tension whenever change or new things were thrust upon me. In my second to last high school year, a switch flicked. I had had enough of mediocrity - in friendships, sport, art, life. I went and asked to sit with some people I had long admired, and we became fast friends and are still tight to this day, I put my writing out into the world, I went on intrepid outdoor adventures, I moved out of home at 17 to a new city, I trialled for representative sports teams. I asked myself, ‘what if I just did it, and didn’t resist it?’ I realised all my life I thought change was bad and butted up against any that were brought upon me, I thought the discomfort of growth was bad, but I realised in high school when I saw how happy my soon-to-be-best-friends were, that something had to change. Because although I was plodding through life with minimal change, I wasn’t happy. I try now to say yes to things that scare me but that seem exciting, because I know I can do hard things, and if I can’t I have a strong band of best friends who will support me.
Kate, this reminds me of a book I recently read, "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway." I need to do more of this.
I might have to check it out, thank you! 😊
What if worrying makes things worse? My mom always worried. My dad, at least on the surface, didn’t. I sided with my mom, and grew up to believe that worrying showed you cared—that if I didn’t worry, I wasn’t a good person, and worrying itself might be some protective shield against whatever bad thing might be lurking around the next corner. But after a series of such bad things, I met a monk who convinced me otherwise—he actually had a diagram to prove that worrying didn’t help—not with problems you could do something about, and not with problems you couldn’t do anything about. I now have this chart on my refrigerator, and I gave one to my mom, too :) we laughed about it, which actually helped!
We should all have that monk's chart on our refrigerator!! Somehow, - I got to something similar with mindfulness. The worry doesn't help, - it just consumes us.
I sometimes make lists of the things I am worried about and what I would do if the thing I am worried about comes true. Of course I cannot anticipate everything that could go wrong, but having a response to it in my mind helps.
There is a movie character that in my family we cite when I or someone else brings up the little things that could go wrong: it's Aunt Josephine played by Meryl Streep in A Series of Unfortunate Events. I am glad you found a chart as a reminder of worrying not helping move the needle.
A wise friend told me years ago that worry is prayer for what you don't want.
Yup!
How wonderful for you to have met this monk! 😊🩷
A question that is changing me in real time is, 'what if who I am is not who I was?' If I've been a 'quiet person' but I now practice speaking my mind with greater abandon, am I still a quiet person? I got my first tattoo two days ago, and it felt a little like the one way door I stepped through the first time I had sex. In an instant I went from being someone without a tattoo, to someone with a tattoo. And it is feeling so incredibly exciting to ask, 'what else about my body, mind or personality might be up for discussion? Up for evolution?'
We are always evolving, aren’t we? Good for you!
Isn’t that so liberating!?
Quite recently, I was in a relationship that had been resisting all of our attempts to keep it working. One day, I said to my soon-to-be ex: "Can you think of one truly compelling reason why we should stay together?" She could not. Neither could I.
how brave and how kind, too, to ask that question.
Thank you, Jaqueline. I frankly didn't see it as kind, but in a way, you may be right. At least it is an offer to focus on the positive, right?
I think it kind to be honest, to be brave enough to state the obvious. It is not easy.
Thank you. Well put.
This is powerful
Thank you, Abby. I think the question could be adapted to a lot of other contexts, too. Sometimes we simply continue to do something, and don't really think about why, or whether it's what is actually best for us.
I actually just published a (very vulnerable) story about the end of that relationship, in case anyone would like to read it:
https://livingelsewhere.substack.com/p/clarissa
I asked myself " What the fuck do you have to lose" With that after years of mostly horrible jobs and when not having budget's cut.. as a single parent of an adopted thi child.. I was on unemployment under $100-- called a friend-- can I put a desk in the back of your store front daycare center. She said yes, and I put a piece of drawing paper in the the window. "Dear Parents, I am a Doctor a Doctor of Education-- come and see me for tutoring, school counseling.... I am your neighborhood educational practitioner" And it began 1983 and I had "nothing the Fuck to lose".
That is a neat business origin story. I'd love to see the movie!
What a beautiful contribution by both Dani and Drew;
I have recently asked a question of myself I. 2024: What if I say NO this time ? That changed the relationship of helping a relative, a situation that I felt has been overwhelming and enabling.
Being able to say no can be so liberating…even if you disappoint others you are listening to yourself!
Yes!
I was struggling in my sophomore year in college with trying to make myself into an engineer. I was failing many of my engineering classes but not my philosophy class. I put my head down on my study table over the Christmas Holiday and had an intense experience of a bright light coming into my mind and filling my body. And then I mentally heard a voice say to me: "Study what you are most interested (curious) about". So i changed my major to philosophy and it made all the difference in the world in my happiness and in my grades!
This reminds me of the advice of Bruce Lee in his daughter's book Be Water my Friend. Let the water go where it wants to flow.
"What would the simplest, most elegant, haiku-like version of this look like?"
I love hearing my mind ask this question. I first heard David Allen, the author of Getting Things Done, say it many years ago. This beautiful question has stayed with me, been a light for me, and helped me see with clarity in the midst of complexity and confusion--many, many times.
I like this! I’m adding it to my repertoire
I'm glad it serves you, Jeanne!
Hi, when i first started reading, i couldn't think of a question and then your question, "what if I'm not a victim" made me remember my own. And they are versions of the same. So, when i was so angry with my boss and couldn't let it go and was berating myself for it - it's a beautiful day/a lovely cycle ride/ the only person whose suffering because of your anger is you - i asked myself what would happen if i wasn't angry and the answer was, 's/he'd get away with it'. Let me be clear, nothing that bad had happened, it was an office issue, but it made me realise that my anger was his/ her punishment and if i have up my anger, i had to accept there was no consequence for his/ her actions. And that was hard and the anger was protecting me from facing that. As soon as i realised this, my anger loosened it's grip on me. Nb i didn't want to be specific about gender because it felt too personal - and it wasn't. If that makes sense.
.
I was a month into aggressive chemo treatments for my second bout with breast cancer, waiting for the results from my PET SCAN to see if the cancer had spread.
“I’m sorry,” my oncologist said, “you have lung cancer.” Before I could speak, he illuminated the x-rays showing two quarter size spots on my left lung and a scattering of dime size spots on the other.
What else could it be?
He looked at me with sincerity and took time to answer.
“It could be a rare fungus, but that’s highly unlikely.”
How can we find out?
“You would take a strong antibiotic and return in two weeks for a chest x-ray.”
It was a rare fungus.
That was 16 years ago!!
Wow this is an amazing story and question!
“What else could it be?” Since then, I hold all negative symptoms more lightly. It could be something less dire. Thank you for responding. All best wishes.
I love this prompt. I’ve gone back to writing my memoir-I started 10 years ago and put it down.
As I am rereading all of what I wrote about the really crazy and gut wrenching aspects of my life, I realize that there must have been some question I was asking myself as I navigated through some really tragic and traumatic events.
I’m not quite sure what it is. I do know that when my brother committed suicide and I was in that “numb” state that Drew referenced. My best friend called me and said she wanted to ask me a really tough question - and knowing it would be tough, she then said she wasn’t going anywhere once she asked it. “How long are you going to let your brother’s death run your life?” She was right. I was so angry. I hung up on her. She kept calling back.
In writing through this, I think my question has been, “how long are you going to let X run your life?” It has been such a powerful, life changing question. I can also see that my profession as a coach and consultant for decades now has been shaped by that question for my clients.
How interesting that I never articulated that question as such a guiding beacon.
This is so exciting. Thank you so much for this question about our questions. I think it’s a game changing identification for me.
What if I love and accept myself fully and completely? I have invited myself to entertain this question and in my daily meditation remind myself to make it a declaration.
Thank you community for sharing.
What is a question you asked that changed your life? I grabbed onto the first question that popped into my mind. In my early 20s I met a woman, not much older than I, who belonged to a sect of Buddhism where, instead of quiet meditation, they chanted. I was intrigued, always looking for and exploring for life's answers, so I asked "how do I learn how to chant?". This question was so pivotal in my life, it led me down a road of study I still follow today. I have since stopped chanting and I now quietly meditate. I moved from Japanese Nichiron Buddhism to Mahayana Buddhism to Theravada Buddhism. The study of Buddhist philosophy, along with prayer and meditation, have helped me navigate the landscape of my life without being a victim, embracing my life's experiences as learning lessons and, for the most part, remaining present in each moment of every day. I was raised Catholic and I still love so many things about that religion but the core practice of Buddhism has gotten me through homeschooling my girls, various physical and mental health challenges, my divorce, surviving as a single mom, supporting my children into adulthood, supporting my oldest daughter through her cancer journey, supporting my youngest daughter as she became a mother herself, maintaining lifelong friendships and family relationships, and the loss of many friends and family along the way. This way of life has helped me cope on so many levels. I still get distracted and emotional at times. Meditation helps me find balance and pleasure in even the very smallest, day-to-day things in life.
Curiosity, for me, is a willingness to be lost, without a map, and a willingness to explore possibilities. As a musician I love to improvise. I pick up a flute and breathe the first note and this becomes an open door, an invitation to go on a journey, “where will this take me?” and who am I as I “add layers of sound and/or peel away layers as I approach the next intuited sound.” Recently, while walking a rail trail I came to a hill, a steep decline in the trail, and a sign read “steep hill, dismount here”. With today’s prompt I interpret this sign in a new way. Given that I wasn’t riding a bicycle or a horse, what, within myself, was I grasping too tightly to, what could I dismount, let go off, loosen up about? Another opportunity to throw away the map and adventure forth to discover.🏮