Suleika, thank you for the tour. And, Joanne, what a great prompt.
My perspective shift musings:
Kierkegaard wrote that "purity of heart is to will one thing."
My office had become the "Museum of Me." It was also a physical representation of my brain -- chaotic, choked, clogged, a collage of so many ideas, projects, clippings, and possibilities. It was even painted a color I didn't like anymore.
An introverted, minimalist, taciturn friend had once gasped and visibly recoiled when he'd entered my office. It was too much for him.
It had become too much for me too and had become a prison during a stint working long hours alone on computer tasks that had to be done to help grow a nonprofit. I cared about the work but had lost myself too much in it. I had set aside creative practices. I couldn't go on that way. I also could not imagine coming back from the brink in that same space.
I knew I had to turn the office/museum into a studio for more writing, creating and breathing freely. Same space, new purpose.
So for six months I have removed every file, book, piece of art, stick of furniture -- 61 years worth. I've given away 70% of my books... gasp! I've culled. And sat with the emptiness of the space. And whenever I felt that something was too hard to part with because it was part of me, I heard the Spirit's whisper, "Girl there's more where that came from." More inspiration, more fun, more ideas.
I'm surprised at how little I want, how clear the choices are, how gorgeous it feels to sit with bright colors and empty walls, to stare at empty bookshelves and to know that in the waiting and spaciousness, new life is forming -- phoenix-like and barely perceptible.
Wheat and chaff are being separated. Clarity is growing.
I can imagine collaborations and creations. I appreciate both the silence and the simmering ideas.
I am giddy with the prospects. And it happened without a bulldozer.
Hi Suleika! I'm happy to see that my book suggestion of Little Weirds made it to you and everybody! I didn't know how active this little community was, but it lit up my day on Friday to see that it was in a spreadsheet! I only saw it because I was curled up in my car, reading your book at the lake, and decided to check in. I have found a lot of solace and relatability in reading it. Right now I'm at around the 100 pg mark. I've been in and out of weeks long hospital stays myself for the last 8 years. I have Bipolar 1, and my life has been continually disrupted as well. I've been in hospital hallways with only patients and sterile looking environments for company. I've felt frustration or alienation from people treating me strangely through it. I find a lot of company in your words in this book. A lot of the phrases or little experiences you describe make me feel less alone in my own ventures through the hospital system, through the disability dynamic with my access to the world and perception from other people. I just want you to know that I appreciate you taking the time to take your experience and turn it into words for us. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are like "Finally! Someone saying they've felt just like me!" when they read it. I heard your voice on NPR, and it reminded me of me in recovery right now, overcoming another restart to my life and turning it into positive work to overcome the fear and the upturning. I'm really proud of you, and, let me tell you, I've done the same things to cope with the tiny environments that hospital rooms are! It's the best! I love the bird art! My favorite piece of art is a framed head portrait of me a fellow patient drew with red, orange, purple, and yellow crayon on a big piece of sketch paper while I sat in the rare sunbeam that hit the end of one of our unit halls through the window above the air conditioner, eyes closed, world drowned out, at peace. I hope your art and cozy blanket does you good.
I can SO relate to not having the choice to opt out of your pain and discomfort. I too am on a child’s menu right now and at first felt the shame you described but then decided to have fun with it by creating some fun shakes inspired by my inner child and it actually ended being liberating and nostalgic and a way to hold both pain and joy at once.
I love the way you summed it up so perfectly “To be into be in great pain and also find respite”. When my pain gets so intense, I revert back into a child like state and just want to be held and rocked by mum, crave comfort foods and small spoons and all things tiny because that is how I can cope with life - in baby steps, tiny increments, little bits at a time…
You have such tremendous fortitude and it must be exhausting to have to face this challenge every day and yet you do it with such grace. I hope you are able to find pockets of peace. I feel closest to whatever spiritual realm that exists when I am in the eye of the pain storm.
I am so grateful to you for sharing such a vulnerable journey with us Suleika. You are mentoring me through my own and I look forward to each Sunday morning when I see your presence in my inbox.
I appreciate the direction to get down low and see things from a different level. At least once a week my wife and I look after our 21 month old great-grandson Gabriel. Most of our time is spent on the floor, following him around and seeing things from his perspective. It is an intensive course of being in the present taught by a master. He has no other time than right now. He is changing every day. He comes up with new words and new behaviours. It is an adventure to be with him, every time.
Thank you Suleika and Joanne for demonstrating the ways that you keep in the present and for showing us specifically what you do. Suleika, your hospital studio visit is uplifting and your acceptance of your current reality is a model for us all. Charlie Greenman
Susu dearest! Thank you (and Maman) for sharing your Queendom with us, so openly and unabashedly. Would that everyone could have your candor and courage and sweetness! What I "hear" from you and all those who write, is acceptance (what Pema Chodron calls, "leaning into it")—presence and gratitude. Yes: you allow yourself to do something "entirely for yourself," and thereby give us all permission to get off the achievement treadmill and to do projects that uplift and inspire. May we all focus less on accomplishing and more on mindfulness and the "happy accidents" brought by spontaneity and compassion. You are a gift and a blessing.
Oh my dear, you’re really doing quite well spinning the view to right side up. I can’t help but think of and identify with that beautiful mother of yours. A stoic rock who is there for you, who has given herself for you, and who is keeping her emotional ride tight to her chest. She’s priceless, and I’m sure you know it full well.
So good to see you Susu. Right now I am praying that your pain remain tolerable so you can eat chocolate chip cookies whenever you want. Monty says “whine” and snuggles in for an ear twirl which zens him out.♥️💃 Hay Wagon love every single day and twice on Sundays.♥️♥️
Thank you Suleika. I was brought back to my chemo infusions for Her2 positive breast cancer, every 3 weeks for a year and a half. I too found peace in drawing and painting. That was 14 years ago…. I wish the same successful recovery and outcome for you! I also want to share another artist you may love, Leonora Carrington, An English surrealist painter who visited Mexico and never left. Love, light and healing to you🙏💕
Thank you for the tour, the intro to Scotty, and for facilitating this prompt from Joanne Proulx - I loved the dimensions of this prompt and the physicality. Reading it after watching your video, I also thought of the ways we can get down, low and small with and without our bodies. Playing with the mind-body relationship at the same time as I was playing with scale was a great creative exercise.
Suleika, wishing you watercolor rivers that never stop flowing through your highs and lows over this next chapter.
To the prompt - after some journaling I decided to try out a pantoum :)
From my lowest baby cobra I see like the cat
And I am astounded
At the countless textures and shades of book paper
Pages - and then I wonder, are cats colorblind?
And I am astonished
At the variety of not-carpet spots in my carpet's thick
Pages - and then I wonder, are cats colorblind?
These stray bits of mineral and vegetable beg shame
At the variety of not-carpet spots in my carpet's thick,
They flick up on a draft or wink in a sun bar - startle
These bits of mineral and vegetable beg shame
From the cat who missed them until now, these bits
They flick up on a draft or wink in a sun bar - startle
Her into crouch, leap, bat-bat-whirr, whip about
From the cat who missed them until now, these bits
Of a changeful place, full of sprites, needing watching.
Dear Suleika, this came at the perfect time. With a year of isolation due to the pandemic, followed by my AML diagnosis and isolation in the hospital and recovering at home for 7 months now, lately I’ve been feeling like this is a nightmare. Imprisoned. The only outings I have are to doctor offices and once in a while a visitor if weather permits to be outside. I needed something to help me shift my perspective. For much of this time I’ve maintained a positive outlook. But I’m at month 7 with no real light in sight because of the risk factors associated with being immune-compromised. It’s felt like a double punishment for something I didn’t do. All I want to do is frolic in the play scape of life and instead I have to stay at home, and be super careful. Right on time, your weekly newsletter today delivered what I need to hear. I need a shift in perspective. Thank you and thanks to the universe.
You are at Day+7!!!!!!! Yay! Before you know it, you will be at Day+14. Hang in there sister. Just hang on and keep doing all the things you are doing. Your paintings are very insightful and beautiful. I couldn’t even color in a coloring book during my time in the hospital. :( sending you lots of strength and goodness to help for a smooth engraftment. -piuola
Dearest Suleika: Wherever you are, whatever spaces you find yourself in, you create such Sacredness; you are such Sacredness. Sending you so much love and so very many blessings!
Good morning Suleika, what an inspiring letter! I love your spoonbill, such exotic bird, and a lovely metaphor for the wretched pole (which is how I began to think of it after six months). Sending you warm wishes and all the bird inspiration. xx
Thank you Suleika for inviting us to your hospital room. You look strong and beautiful.
Interesting prompt. I thought I’d give a link to my song “Somewhere”. This is my interpretation of zeroing in on humanity to eyeball much smaller scenes that are no doubt happening somewhere. This is a demo with a male singer for pitching to Nashville market.
Suleika, thank you for the tour. And, Joanne, what a great prompt.
My perspective shift musings:
Kierkegaard wrote that "purity of heart is to will one thing."
My office had become the "Museum of Me." It was also a physical representation of my brain -- chaotic, choked, clogged, a collage of so many ideas, projects, clippings, and possibilities. It was even painted a color I didn't like anymore.
An introverted, minimalist, taciturn friend had once gasped and visibly recoiled when he'd entered my office. It was too much for him.
It had become too much for me too and had become a prison during a stint working long hours alone on computer tasks that had to be done to help grow a nonprofit. I cared about the work but had lost myself too much in it. I had set aside creative practices. I couldn't go on that way. I also could not imagine coming back from the brink in that same space.
I knew I had to turn the office/museum into a studio for more writing, creating and breathing freely. Same space, new purpose.
So for six months I have removed every file, book, piece of art, stick of furniture -- 61 years worth. I've given away 70% of my books... gasp! I've culled. And sat with the emptiness of the space. And whenever I felt that something was too hard to part with because it was part of me, I heard the Spirit's whisper, "Girl there's more where that came from." More inspiration, more fun, more ideas.
I'm surprised at how little I want, how clear the choices are, how gorgeous it feels to sit with bright colors and empty walls, to stare at empty bookshelves and to know that in the waiting and spaciousness, new life is forming -- phoenix-like and barely perceptible.
Wheat and chaff are being separated. Clarity is growing.
I can imagine collaborations and creations. I appreciate both the silence and the simmering ideas.
I am giddy with the prospects. And it happened without a bulldozer.
Hi Suleika! I'm happy to see that my book suggestion of Little Weirds made it to you and everybody! I didn't know how active this little community was, but it lit up my day on Friday to see that it was in a spreadsheet! I only saw it because I was curled up in my car, reading your book at the lake, and decided to check in. I have found a lot of solace and relatability in reading it. Right now I'm at around the 100 pg mark. I've been in and out of weeks long hospital stays myself for the last 8 years. I have Bipolar 1, and my life has been continually disrupted as well. I've been in hospital hallways with only patients and sterile looking environments for company. I've felt frustration or alienation from people treating me strangely through it. I find a lot of company in your words in this book. A lot of the phrases or little experiences you describe make me feel less alone in my own ventures through the hospital system, through the disability dynamic with my access to the world and perception from other people. I just want you to know that I appreciate you taking the time to take your experience and turn it into words for us. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are like "Finally! Someone saying they've felt just like me!" when they read it. I heard your voice on NPR, and it reminded me of me in recovery right now, overcoming another restart to my life and turning it into positive work to overcome the fear and the upturning. I'm really proud of you, and, let me tell you, I've done the same things to cope with the tiny environments that hospital rooms are! It's the best! I love the bird art! My favorite piece of art is a framed head portrait of me a fellow patient drew with red, orange, purple, and yellow crayon on a big piece of sketch paper while I sat in the rare sunbeam that hit the end of one of our unit halls through the window above the air conditioner, eyes closed, world drowned out, at peace. I hope your art and cozy blanket does you good.
I can SO relate to not having the choice to opt out of your pain and discomfort. I too am on a child’s menu right now and at first felt the shame you described but then decided to have fun with it by creating some fun shakes inspired by my inner child and it actually ended being liberating and nostalgic and a way to hold both pain and joy at once.
I love the way you summed it up so perfectly “To be into be in great pain and also find respite”. When my pain gets so intense, I revert back into a child like state and just want to be held and rocked by mum, crave comfort foods and small spoons and all things tiny because that is how I can cope with life - in baby steps, tiny increments, little bits at a time…
You have such tremendous fortitude and it must be exhausting to have to face this challenge every day and yet you do it with such grace. I hope you are able to find pockets of peace. I feel closest to whatever spiritual realm that exists when I am in the eye of the pain storm.
I am so grateful to you for sharing such a vulnerable journey with us Suleika. You are mentoring me through my own and I look forward to each Sunday morning when I see your presence in my inbox.
Sending you my hope and love xo
I appreciate the direction to get down low and see things from a different level. At least once a week my wife and I look after our 21 month old great-grandson Gabriel. Most of our time is spent on the floor, following him around and seeing things from his perspective. It is an intensive course of being in the present taught by a master. He has no other time than right now. He is changing every day. He comes up with new words and new behaviours. It is an adventure to be with him, every time.
Thank you Suleika and Joanne for demonstrating the ways that you keep in the present and for showing us specifically what you do. Suleika, your hospital studio visit is uplifting and your acceptance of your current reality is a model for us all. Charlie Greenman
Susu dearest! Thank you (and Maman) for sharing your Queendom with us, so openly and unabashedly. Would that everyone could have your candor and courage and sweetness! What I "hear" from you and all those who write, is acceptance (what Pema Chodron calls, "leaning into it")—presence and gratitude. Yes: you allow yourself to do something "entirely for yourself," and thereby give us all permission to get off the achievement treadmill and to do projects that uplift and inspire. May we all focus less on accomplishing and more on mindfulness and the "happy accidents" brought by spontaneity and compassion. You are a gift and a blessing.
Oh my dear, you’re really doing quite well spinning the view to right side up. I can’t help but think of and identify with that beautiful mother of yours. A stoic rock who is there for you, who has given herself for you, and who is keeping her emotional ride tight to her chest. She’s priceless, and I’m sure you know it full well.
Spring is coming and at just the right time!
So good to see you Susu. Right now I am praying that your pain remain tolerable so you can eat chocolate chip cookies whenever you want. Monty says “whine” and snuggles in for an ear twirl which zens him out.♥️💃 Hay Wagon love every single day and twice on Sundays.♥️♥️
Thank you Suleika. I was brought back to my chemo infusions for Her2 positive breast cancer, every 3 weeks for a year and a half. I too found peace in drawing and painting. That was 14 years ago…. I wish the same successful recovery and outcome for you! I also want to share another artist you may love, Leonora Carrington, An English surrealist painter who visited Mexico and never left. Love, light and healing to you🙏💕
Thank you for the tour, the intro to Scotty, and for facilitating this prompt from Joanne Proulx - I loved the dimensions of this prompt and the physicality. Reading it after watching your video, I also thought of the ways we can get down, low and small with and without our bodies. Playing with the mind-body relationship at the same time as I was playing with scale was a great creative exercise.
Suleika, wishing you watercolor rivers that never stop flowing through your highs and lows over this next chapter.
To the prompt - after some journaling I decided to try out a pantoum :)
From my lowest baby cobra I see like the cat
And I am astounded
At the countless textures and shades of book paper
Pages - and then I wonder, are cats colorblind?
And I am astonished
At the variety of not-carpet spots in my carpet's thick
Pages - and then I wonder, are cats colorblind?
These stray bits of mineral and vegetable beg shame
At the variety of not-carpet spots in my carpet's thick,
They flick up on a draft or wink in a sun bar - startle
These bits of mineral and vegetable beg shame
From the cat who missed them until now, these bits
They flick up on a draft or wink in a sun bar - startle
Her into crouch, leap, bat-bat-whirr, whip about
From the cat who missed them until now, these bits
Of a changeful place, full of sprites, needing watching.
Dear Suleika, this came at the perfect time. With a year of isolation due to the pandemic, followed by my AML diagnosis and isolation in the hospital and recovering at home for 7 months now, lately I’ve been feeling like this is a nightmare. Imprisoned. The only outings I have are to doctor offices and once in a while a visitor if weather permits to be outside. I needed something to help me shift my perspective. For much of this time I’ve maintained a positive outlook. But I’m at month 7 with no real light in sight because of the risk factors associated with being immune-compromised. It’s felt like a double punishment for something I didn’t do. All I want to do is frolic in the play scape of life and instead I have to stay at home, and be super careful. Right on time, your weekly newsletter today delivered what I need to hear. I need a shift in perspective. Thank you and thanks to the universe.
You are at Day+7!!!!!!! Yay! Before you know it, you will be at Day+14. Hang in there sister. Just hang on and keep doing all the things you are doing. Your paintings are very insightful and beautiful. I couldn’t even color in a coloring book during my time in the hospital. :( sending you lots of strength and goodness to help for a smooth engraftment. -piuola
Dearest Suleika: Wherever you are, whatever spaces you find yourself in, you create such Sacredness; you are such Sacredness. Sending you so much love and so very many blessings!
Gorgeous and thought provoking writing! ❤️
Good morning Suleika, what an inspiring letter! I love your spoonbill, such exotic bird, and a lovely metaphor for the wretched pole (which is how I began to think of it after six months). Sending you warm wishes and all the bird inspiration. xx
Dear Suleika, Thank you for the Ram Dass wisdom. It resonates right now. Wishing the restoration of your health, and happiness always.
Thank you Suleika for inviting us to your hospital room. You look strong and beautiful.
Interesting prompt. I thought I’d give a link to my song “Somewhere”. This is my interpretation of zeroing in on humanity to eyeball much smaller scenes that are no doubt happening somewhere. This is a demo with a male singer for pitching to Nashville market.
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/3q4MtZvcBE7hvBj57
Sending you all the best wishes, Suleika! May the entire universe align for your recovery. ❤️