Without all the junk/fears that I have been asked to carry, I am a free child wearing bright yellow rain boots, delighting in puddles. Look out here I come, splashing with my whole leaping body. Adults attempted to demand appropriate behaviour.
Adults modelled criticising and judging self and others. Adults taught possession of property instead of generosity and kindness. Without all these teachings I am free to enjoy this world as home, the moon as a gift, the clear blue sky a treasure, deer and leaping frogs as friends, family. I am shedding my anger towards those who continue to demonstrate carelessness. Many of us have had adults in our lives who thought dumping truckloads of emotional garbage upon ourselves and each other was “reality”, a necessity. I am learning to take full responsibility for clearing away my junk. I am looking for rainbows and butterflies. I am listening for peepers, bullfrogs, coyotes. I am studying how rabbits wiggle their noses. As winter melts and Spring warms up, I will even take off those lovely yellow rubber rain boots, my naked feet eager to splash through puddles and tread lightly upon this Earth, speaking the language of touch, saying to the Earth, I love you, thank you for this life. 🏮
How do rabbits wiggle their toes??? Thank you for this joyful plate of wonder. I am sorry you experienced the burdens of adulthood as a child. While there is no excuse for neglect and abuse, it seems every one of us, including our parents, are victims of other people’s sins. Shame in one generation shows up in the next or abuse births abuse. It takes an awful lot of self love to cut free from generational damaging behavior.
Sounds like a country song, "Livin' like a junk bug, carrying the past on my back. Staying' curled up as a Resurrection Fern waitin' for rains to bring me back". I am in the gloaming of deep grief over the loss of my beloved mom. There is a cavity in me so large, I fear the echo of grief will be there forever. I am that junk bug currently and the fern waiting to be brought back into lush, juiciness. Thank you Suleika and Rhonda for each of your pieces today.
Me, too, Mary. I have a giant Mom-shaped hole in my heart that can't be filled. All I can do is carry it around with me, like the junk bug, and hope for more little signs that she is still with me somehow. It's a unique ache. I hate it because I have it, and love it--because I had her.
Tierney, this is so beautiful. Please know, that by sharing your grief, it helps me with mine. "I hate it because I have it, and love it--because I had her." This is beautiful in the sorrow and truth.
And I don't mean to make this about me. I have felt so much resentment when I tell people I miss my mom and they start talking about theirs--then I go and do the same thing to you! Just trying to say a tender *I see you. I know the Mom-ache. It hurts.* And then a digital hug.
Mary,Tierney: I send hugs and warmth across the airways. I lost my mom 40 yrs ago but she’s with me every day. Yours will be too . May her memory bless you each day. Hugs to each of you.
Chris, thank you. Just yesterday, I was driving and smelled "Dippity Doo." (A hair product my mom used in the 1960's with her curlers). I felt she was with me, and it made me smile to think about the time I plunged my whole hand into the jar and the "glurp" it made.
Thank you, Suleika. Love received! This grief is so heavy. Please know how very, very much this community here at The Isolation Journals has helped me with their kindness, their stories, and the outpouring of love. It is like having a warm blanket around me.
The rodeo is here in town and lots of country musicians. Might have to get your lyrics out there on the stage for all to hear 💙🌿 And beautifully captured sentiment about your mum.
Dear Mary, I am sorry for your hurting and longing heart. How strange to be a human, knowing we will lose the ones we love and yet, are we not almost always undone by this grief? How lovely that your mother lived, while she was alive, so fully in your heart. It may be she will live even fuller there as you carry her memory and your love. I miss my mother terribly. Be very gentle with your heart. ❤️
Oh, Mary. I am so sorry for your loss. I live in fear of losing my mom, who has been my greatest supporter and champion. Wishing you grace as you learn how to live with that terrible absence.
Thank you, Susan. Yes, my mom was my "greatest supporter and champion" too. I am so, so glad that you have a mother who loves you to pieces and back again.
Mary, thank you. I fear, I have already forgotten her voice. She suffered from dementia and it affected her speech for the last few years. I love your sentiment, I guess I'm just not ready for it yet. I know I need to see my way through the suffering first. Thank you again for reaching out!
the echo of grief...an apt description. I love the connection of being the junk bug and fern at present but waiting to be brought back - especially the word lush - so good. Wishing you all the nourishing support you need.
Rhonda, thank you. I love this, "nourishing support." Now, I have something to ponder today. What does that look like, feel like, sound like? This is good.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom Mary. You've been on my mind all of this past week, - after reading your post from last week, which was so poignant and exquisitely written. The symbolism of what a home holds is so powerful, as you pointed out in your post. I am thinking of the Beatles and their song "The End" - .... "And in the end, the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Sending love to you. Thank you for sharing with us.
This week will mark 14 years since my awesome son, Connor, died as a result of an unthinkable accident due to landlord greed in NYC. I don't mind carrying this part of my past on my back. He lives there. And in my heart. And all around. Everywhere. Every day. Grief is love.
But, this post prompts me to ask myself, how much do I carry that is unnecessary? Reactions to other people's behaviors, rejections from friends because I have changed, lists and projects undone, now these are what I can let go of.
Today marks 10 years since I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. I have survived two treatments and cardiac ablations I am filled with gratitude for the medical care and research that has brought me here today. We learn to carry it "all".
I also loved what you wrote about not minding carrying the part of your past - the loss of your son - " He lives there. And in my heart. And all around. Everywhere. Every day. Grief is love." This is gorgeous; the courage, the strength, the love, and the nourishment in so doing. Just stunning - thanks.
Your beautifully strung words resonate with me - thank you. I'm trying to get the hang of letting go of all that I carry that is weighty and beyond my control - your candor is so helpful.
Jane, this line, your words, "Grief is love" is something I needed to read, something I needed to breathe today. And also the question, "How much do I carry that is unnecessary?" Whew. I think those two lines, those two lovely lines will live with me now.
Suleika, thank you. Beautifully written and a powerful message for sure. But now I read everything you write through a different lens having watched. “American Symphony” and your BMT journey. I did mine in 2017 and it brought back so many memories and such strong emotions. But the primary one today is gratitude for being here. I lost my husband 3 years ago and your journey reminded me how he loved me back to health. Oh how I wish he was here to see me today. Healthy and whole. Blessings to you and Jon. Big day today for sure! -Anne
One of the things I love so much about your weekly message is there’s always a timely lesson I somehow needed to hear. And this week there are two: to prioritize self-care when my instinct is to keep plugging away. And to pay attention to the junk I’m unnecessarily carrying.
For today I’m going to put down my guilt over not doing enough, my heartache over the challenges my loved ones are facing, my fear over things I can’t control.
I have to work today because of deadlines this week but I’ll also make time for a long walk listening to an audiobook.
These lessons really resonate with me, too, Abby. It can be very difficult for me to stop for self-care instead of pushing through. I was stopped in my tracks reading about the junk bug and considering what junk I may be carrying that isn’t really mine to carry.
I’ve been carrying around a hernia for 30 years that was misdiagnosed as diverticulitis. I’ve been fortunate because this “spignolia” hernia at anytime could have wrapped itself around my intestines and caused great havoc, but it didn’t and I just had surgery to correct two days ago and in pain and physically trying to “let go” and evacuate but it’s not happening so fast. For whatever reason my body is not prepared yet to let go of the buildup and I’m terribly constipated, can’t go outside, because my body could blow like Jonah the whale with my expulsion of unneeded waste. So I just physically keep doing my work of walking around my apartment, take the drink that will help to let go of unwanted waste and be patient until my body is ready to let go. I’m frustrated , in pain, giving myself lots of healing and love and I know my body is totally in charge and when she’s ready to “let her rip” she will. During this time I feel all the love from me to my body, the love from family and friends, so much so, that I feel I patiently waiting to be free and transform into a beautiful, colorful magical butterfly who will be set free to fly again, and try to bring more kindness and love in our world that it’s so desperately needs. I watched, with my friend Steve, who is taking care of me “American Symphony, last night, because my friend hadn’t seen it and he was involved with this project, and because both Suleika and Jon how they openly and bravely took us on this journey of pain and joy and showed me, while feeling sick, 🤢 can creatively and carefully dance around the house, moderately, to reggae music, to help me evacuate and fly like the butterfly. To all in our community who have suffered and who are suffering, “I see you, i feel you, I honor you.” I’m on the path of courage, patience and wisdom, and the right time is approaching for “letting go, flying free, and slowly dancing to my reggae music until it’s time my body says “let go Sherri, let go and you will be free to bring more joy into the world.
"In this lifetime, I am working to be free and liberated from carrying things that are not mine to carry. I want to intentionally carry things that nourish me, that allow me to contribute to the collective in ways that help others expand and heal, and that help me expand and heal. I want to carry things that lift us up, that make us light" A process for me that continues to be ongoing...
“What am I carrying that is not mine to carry?” This thought will be in my head all day, if not all week. My father-in-law was just released into hospice and my beloved cat, Hattie, somehow escaped from our house (indoor only cat) when we were leaving to visit him. She is now lost, not returning for three days. I’m having difficulty keeping hope that she will return and am grieving for my FIL and the pain my husband and my kids are feeling. Thank you for a wonderful post and prompt.
Luckily the lesson of ‘letting go’ has been mine for so many years that I’m pretty good at it, setting down gently what isn’t mine to carry, sometimes tossing burdens to the ground that tried to attach to me….’the strong woman’. When you project strength the world sees an opportunity to add layers to your load. It’s taken me a lifetime to see what isn’t mine & what is. My mom’s motto was if you could do it, you should do it & being very capable meant I took on lots of responsibilities that I needn’t have. Took me years to change that motto to a choice. And being self-employed all these years, when your work is never actually finished, when you can’t clock out or get paid until you’re done….. you have to learn to rest when needed, to take time when you want to. I appreciated being independent when the kids were young so I could go to school events or be there when they were sick and now the joy is great that I get a call for ‘Nana needed!’ and I rearrange everything to be involved in the delights of grandmothering! ❤️❤️❤️❤️😊 To be in this place took decades, so I appreciate it even more. Every bit.
What a great lesson to learn, relearn, relearn again and wow, the junk bug hit the spot this week. I spent all day yesterday repeating, but not listening, ‘don’t try to dominate the narrative’ regarding unhappy events unfolding these past few weeks. Today’s post feels like a call from the universe: LET GO!
I really like the image of the junk bug carrying the carcasses on its back, not as a burden that limits movement but instead as camouflage and protection. I carry my beloved dead with me as my junk bug protection - they have made me who I am today. I am more serious, pensive, thoughtful. More empathetic. I carry my grandmother's feisty independence, my Dad's commitment to service, my cousin Virgil's playfulness and humor, my mother's love and care for animals, my grandfather's wry humor. I am grateful for the sense of connection to them that I feel when I recognize their qualities in myself. I guess I am still cocooning with my junk bug camouflage - not ready to be vulnerable and fly with gossamer wings. Still grounded.
Good morning, friends. This week I read an essay about not pushing oneself to write, to paint, to do. The author said that honoring the empty spaces allows the new to surface. That coming back to the page or paint or instrument after walking through the valley of dry bones means you will have something new to say. It will be born of your struggle, your yearning, your new eyes.
I needed to hear Suleika’s and Rhonda’s message. I need to let go of who I think I should be.
And so, what will I be when I put down the worry, the anguish, the pressure, the longing?
More me, less a construct of the world’s imagination.
I began this week by honoring, indeed embracing, routine. It is easy to minimize the foundational aspects of living. But what if I embraced it? What if I turned it around in the light and saw the hidden gifts of my morning ritual, my house keeping, my care of body and soul?
Perspective changes so much. Not everything. (No amount of light can change the heartache of loss or destruction.) Yet, in very small ways, I am getting free. Abandoning the safe cocoon of doubt and wondering and longing for what may never be. In very small ways, I am learning to fly.
For 18 years I’ve been carrying the weight of others drug and alcohol addiction. Talk about heavy…it has come with caring for two beautiful winged souls who also live with heaviness including abandonment and death of their loved ones. Trying to free all of us, and trying to make it make sense to little hearts and brains is a struggle but I think we are all gaining our wings. Serenity now🙌🏻
Kudos to you, Terri, for stepping in and filling the gaps created by the alcoholics/addicts in your life. For those of us with alcoholics/addicts in our lives, perhaps the lesson is to be selective and thoughtful about what we carry, to be clear about what is ours to carry and what to discard.
As a child I was unable to hang on to anything we moved so often. “Leave it behind, you can always get it again,” my mother would say as she threw our things in the car. I learned early on that there are some things you can never get again. And yet. What I carried with me was a yearning all my own which has stayed with me, for connection in and with the world outside my car window. That perspective was mine and remains mine all these years later.
Your writing really resonates today. Both messages. My husband and I navigating some family issues around shared property ownership with other family members. You know the movie title “it’s
Complicated”…well, it is and it has made for a lot of stress and then compounded stress by me pushing myself too hard at work. All to say, that I caught myself in the hamster wheel and decided to slow way down, drinking in lots of walks in nature including a great hike yesterday with a large group of special people, the connections, the chats♥️, skipped some work hours and took myself out for a solo brunch, etc and last night a great walkabout Austin (hometown) to drink in the energy of South by Southwest festival.
I feel reborn, today. Oh, and ps, I shut down all social media to quieten external noise and to this forum here is my oasis of community. #special group
Without all the junk/fears that I have been asked to carry, I am a free child wearing bright yellow rain boots, delighting in puddles. Look out here I come, splashing with my whole leaping body. Adults attempted to demand appropriate behaviour.
Adults modelled criticising and judging self and others. Adults taught possession of property instead of generosity and kindness. Without all these teachings I am free to enjoy this world as home, the moon as a gift, the clear blue sky a treasure, deer and leaping frogs as friends, family. I am shedding my anger towards those who continue to demonstrate carelessness. Many of us have had adults in our lives who thought dumping truckloads of emotional garbage upon ourselves and each other was “reality”, a necessity. I am learning to take full responsibility for clearing away my junk. I am looking for rainbows and butterflies. I am listening for peepers, bullfrogs, coyotes. I am studying how rabbits wiggle their noses. As winter melts and Spring warms up, I will even take off those lovely yellow rubber rain boots, my naked feet eager to splash through puddles and tread lightly upon this Earth, speaking the language of touch, saying to the Earth, I love you, thank you for this life. 🏮
I love the release and joy I feel through your writing David - may you feel and live that fully.
How do rabbits wiggle their toes??? Thank you for this joyful plate of wonder. I am sorry you experienced the burdens of adulthood as a child. While there is no excuse for neglect and abuse, it seems every one of us, including our parents, are victims of other people’s sins. Shame in one generation shows up in the next or abuse births abuse. It takes an awful lot of self love to cut free from generational damaging behavior.
I meant noses.😊
Sounds like a country song, "Livin' like a junk bug, carrying the past on my back. Staying' curled up as a Resurrection Fern waitin' for rains to bring me back". I am in the gloaming of deep grief over the loss of my beloved mom. There is a cavity in me so large, I fear the echo of grief will be there forever. I am that junk bug currently and the fern waiting to be brought back into lush, juiciness. Thank you Suleika and Rhonda for each of your pieces today.
Me, too, Mary. I have a giant Mom-shaped hole in my heart that can't be filled. All I can do is carry it around with me, like the junk bug, and hope for more little signs that she is still with me somehow. It's a unique ache. I hate it because I have it, and love it--because I had her.
Tierney, this is so beautiful. Please know, that by sharing your grief, it helps me with mine. "I hate it because I have it, and love it--because I had her." This is beautiful in the sorrow and truth.
And I don't mean to make this about me. I have felt so much resentment when I tell people I miss my mom and they start talking about theirs--then I go and do the same thing to you! Just trying to say a tender *I see you. I know the Mom-ache. It hurts.* And then a digital hug.
I don't have the Mom-ache yet, but I have the Dad-ache. It's club I wouldn't wish on anyone. I see you. Hugs.
I felt your humanness and connection and that means everything. Thank you.
Mary,Tierney: I send hugs and warmth across the airways. I lost my mom 40 yrs ago but she’s with me every day. Yours will be too . May her memory bless you each day. Hugs to each of you.
Chris, thank you. Just yesterday, I was driving and smelled "Dippity Doo." (A hair product my mom used in the 1960's with her curlers). I felt she was with me, and it made me smile to think about the time I plunged my whole hand into the jar and the "glurp" it made.
Big hugs to you Tierney!
Yes, yes, Mary. Oh, this wondrous, giving, cohort/coheart of Isolation Journals people.
Sending love to you Mary. ❤️
Thank you, Suleika. Love received! This grief is so heavy. Please know how very, very much this community here at The Isolation Journals has helped me with their kindness, their stories, and the outpouring of love. It is like having a warm blanket around me.
The rodeo is here in town and lots of country musicians. Might have to get your lyrics out there on the stage for all to hear 💙🌿 And beautifully captured sentiment about your mum.
Eavan, you are a sweetheart. Let me know if the words ring out. Thank you for the kindness.
We will have to think who is worthy of singing them!
Can't wait to hear who you choose! :)
Dear Mary, I am sorry for your hurting and longing heart. How strange to be a human, knowing we will lose the ones we love and yet, are we not almost always undone by this grief? How lovely that your mother lived, while she was alive, so fully in your heart. It may be she will live even fuller there as you carry her memory and your love. I miss my mother terribly. Be very gentle with your heart. ❤️
Jacqueline, yes! "undone by this grief" Thank you for the important and true thought to "Be very gentle with your heart."
"How strange to be a human, knowing we will lose the ones we love and yet, are we not almost always undone by this grief?" So exquisite and profound.
Oh, Mary. I am so sorry for your loss. I live in fear of losing my mom, who has been my greatest supporter and champion. Wishing you grace as you learn how to live with that terrible absence.
Thank you, Susan. Yes, my mom was my "greatest supporter and champion" too. I am so, so glad that you have a mother who loves you to pieces and back again.
You’ll never forget her voice or the shape of her hands. When you find her in your dreams, you’ll wake with a sense of comfort, well being.
Mary, thank you. I fear, I have already forgotten her voice. She suffered from dementia and it affected her speech for the last few years. I love your sentiment, I guess I'm just not ready for it yet. I know I need to see my way through the suffering first. Thank you again for reaching out!
Oh Mary, so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mom - Breathe into that space - sending much love your way.
Thank you, Nocapes. Ahhh, "Breathe into that space." Perfection and I thank you for the love and reminder to do so.
Mary- sending you love and light 🙏🌟🌟🌟
Thank you, Dana. Love and Light received.
the echo of grief...an apt description. I love the connection of being the junk bug and fern at present but waiting to be brought back - especially the word lush - so good. Wishing you all the nourishing support you need.
Rhonda, thank you. I love this, "nourishing support." Now, I have something to ponder today. What does that look like, feel like, sound like? This is good.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom Mary.
Mary, thank you so much. I remember reading The Stages of Grief many years ago. I find I am toggling between them all.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom. You never get over the loss of parents but the hurt will ease.
Thank you, Laurie. It helps to know that the hurt will "ease." Right now, it feels like my world will never be right again.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom Mary. You've been on my mind all of this past week, - after reading your post from last week, which was so poignant and exquisitely written. The symbolism of what a home holds is so powerful, as you pointed out in your post. I am thinking of the Beatles and their song "The End" - .... "And in the end, the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Sending love to you. Thank you for sharing with us.
Nancy, I love, love, love that line and always have, "And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make." Thank you!
I’m so sorry, Mary. Sending you a virtual hug!
Thank you, Abby. Hug received! Such a wonderful community here...The Isolation Journals are such a big part of my life.
Thank you for saying that, Mary. I, too, am so grounded by this community!
This week will mark 14 years since my awesome son, Connor, died as a result of an unthinkable accident due to landlord greed in NYC. I don't mind carrying this part of my past on my back. He lives there. And in my heart. And all around. Everywhere. Every day. Grief is love.
But, this post prompts me to ask myself, how much do I carry that is unnecessary? Reactions to other people's behaviors, rejections from friends because I have changed, lists and projects undone, now these are what I can let go of.
Today marks 10 years since I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. I have survived two treatments and cardiac ablations I am filled with gratitude for the medical care and research that has brought me here today. We learn to carry it "all".
Can't wait to see Suleika and hear Jon tonight!
Grief is love. ❤️ Grateful you're here, Jane.
I also loved what you wrote about not minding carrying the part of your past - the loss of your son - " He lives there. And in my heart. And all around. Everywhere. Every day. Grief is love." This is gorgeous; the courage, the strength, the love, and the nourishment in so doing. Just stunning - thanks.
Your beautifully strung words resonate with me - thank you. I'm trying to get the hang of letting go of all that I carry that is weighty and beyond my control - your candor is so helpful.
Jane, this line, your words, "Grief is love" is something I needed to read, something I needed to breathe today. And also the question, "How much do I carry that is unnecessary?" Whew. I think those two lines, those two lovely lines will live with me now.
Suleika, thank you. Beautifully written and a powerful message for sure. But now I read everything you write through a different lens having watched. “American Symphony” and your BMT journey. I did mine in 2017 and it brought back so many memories and such strong emotions. But the primary one today is gratitude for being here. I lost my husband 3 years ago and your journey reminded me how he loved me back to health. Oh how I wish he was here to see me today. Healthy and whole. Blessings to you and Jon. Big day today for sure! -Anne
"He loved me back to health." Beautifully expressed and touches my soul deeply. I'm so sorry for your loss.
One of the things I love so much about your weekly message is there’s always a timely lesson I somehow needed to hear. And this week there are two: to prioritize self-care when my instinct is to keep plugging away. And to pay attention to the junk I’m unnecessarily carrying.
For today I’m going to put down my guilt over not doing enough, my heartache over the challenges my loved ones are facing, my fear over things I can’t control.
I have to work today because of deadlines this week but I’ll also make time for a long walk listening to an audiobook.
These lessons really resonate with me, too, Abby. It can be very difficult for me to stop for self-care instead of pushing through. I was stopped in my tracks reading about the junk bug and considering what junk I may be carrying that isn’t really mine to carry.
Oh, yes! The timely lesson and prioritizing self care. Enjoy your long walk today. Ahhhhh
I’ve been carrying around a hernia for 30 years that was misdiagnosed as diverticulitis. I’ve been fortunate because this “spignolia” hernia at anytime could have wrapped itself around my intestines and caused great havoc, but it didn’t and I just had surgery to correct two days ago and in pain and physically trying to “let go” and evacuate but it’s not happening so fast. For whatever reason my body is not prepared yet to let go of the buildup and I’m terribly constipated, can’t go outside, because my body could blow like Jonah the whale with my expulsion of unneeded waste. So I just physically keep doing my work of walking around my apartment, take the drink that will help to let go of unwanted waste and be patient until my body is ready to let go. I’m frustrated , in pain, giving myself lots of healing and love and I know my body is totally in charge and when she’s ready to “let her rip” she will. During this time I feel all the love from me to my body, the love from family and friends, so much so, that I feel I patiently waiting to be free and transform into a beautiful, colorful magical butterfly who will be set free to fly again, and try to bring more kindness and love in our world that it’s so desperately needs. I watched, with my friend Steve, who is taking care of me “American Symphony, last night, because my friend hadn’t seen it and he was involved with this project, and because both Suleika and Jon how they openly and bravely took us on this journey of pain and joy and showed me, while feeling sick, 🤢 can creatively and carefully dance around the house, moderately, to reggae music, to help me evacuate and fly like the butterfly. To all in our community who have suffered and who are suffering, “I see you, i feel you, I honor you.” I’m on the path of courage, patience and wisdom, and the right time is approaching for “letting go, flying free, and slowly dancing to my reggae music until it’s time my body says “let go Sherri, let go and you will be free to bring more joy into the world.
Hoping your pain eases soon, Sherri. ❤️
Thank you Holly
Wishing you a quick healing Sherri. Hugs to you.
Thanks sweet Laurie
“...most truths are inherently unretainable, that we have to work hard all our lives to remember the most basic things.”
Fortunately, nature can remind us of these truths...”
So pay attention, notice, stay awake! ❤️
"In this lifetime, I am working to be free and liberated from carrying things that are not mine to carry. I want to intentionally carry things that nourish me, that allow me to contribute to the collective in ways that help others expand and heal, and that help me expand and heal. I want to carry things that lift us up, that make us light" A process for me that continues to be ongoing...
Your mantra is lovely
“What am I carrying that is not mine to carry?” This thought will be in my head all day, if not all week. My father-in-law was just released into hospice and my beloved cat, Hattie, somehow escaped from our house (indoor only cat) when we were leaving to visit him. She is now lost, not returning for three days. I’m having difficulty keeping hope that she will return and am grieving for my FIL and the pain my husband and my kids are feeling. Thank you for a wonderful post and prompt.
I'm so sorry to read of the compounding heartbreaking you're going through. Sending love to you and your family. ❤️
I am sorry for all you are going through right now. And I am going to imagine Hattie scratching at the door get back in this evening ♥️
I love that, Eavan. I’ll imagine, also.
Thank you!🙏
I am so grateful ❤️
Hattie, come back! Nancy, my heart to yours, in grief and also in being part of this lovely community.
I struggled writing this post but remembered the comfort and strength we achieve together and knew it was what was best. Thank you so much ❤️
The animals. Very difficult to let go of. ❤️
Luckily the lesson of ‘letting go’ has been mine for so many years that I’m pretty good at it, setting down gently what isn’t mine to carry, sometimes tossing burdens to the ground that tried to attach to me….’the strong woman’. When you project strength the world sees an opportunity to add layers to your load. It’s taken me a lifetime to see what isn’t mine & what is. My mom’s motto was if you could do it, you should do it & being very capable meant I took on lots of responsibilities that I needn’t have. Took me years to change that motto to a choice. And being self-employed all these years, when your work is never actually finished, when you can’t clock out or get paid until you’re done….. you have to learn to rest when needed, to take time when you want to. I appreciated being independent when the kids were young so I could go to school events or be there when they were sick and now the joy is great that I get a call for ‘Nana needed!’ and I rearrange everything to be involved in the delights of grandmothering! ❤️❤️❤️❤️😊 To be in this place took decades, so I appreciate it even more. Every bit.
There are so many lessons packed into this comment. Thank you. ❤️
What a great lesson to learn, relearn, relearn again and wow, the junk bug hit the spot this week. I spent all day yesterday repeating, but not listening, ‘don’t try to dominate the narrative’ regarding unhappy events unfolding these past few weeks. Today’s post feels like a call from the universe: LET GO!
Yesterday’s burden has been lifted. Thank you.
I really like the image of the junk bug carrying the carcasses on its back, not as a burden that limits movement but instead as camouflage and protection. I carry my beloved dead with me as my junk bug protection - they have made me who I am today. I am more serious, pensive, thoughtful. More empathetic. I carry my grandmother's feisty independence, my Dad's commitment to service, my cousin Virgil's playfulness and humor, my mother's love and care for animals, my grandfather's wry humor. I am grateful for the sense of connection to them that I feel when I recognize their qualities in myself. I guess I am still cocooning with my junk bug camouflage - not ready to be vulnerable and fly with gossamer wings. Still grounded.
I love this way of seeing it.
Ahh yes, our junk serves us well at times and is fuel for transformations. Love the list of elements you carry that are full of love and appreciation.
Thanks, Rhonda. I think clinging to those characteristics are part of my grief process. One day at a time❤️
Good morning, friends. This week I read an essay about not pushing oneself to write, to paint, to do. The author said that honoring the empty spaces allows the new to surface. That coming back to the page or paint or instrument after walking through the valley of dry bones means you will have something new to say. It will be born of your struggle, your yearning, your new eyes.
I needed to hear Suleika’s and Rhonda’s message. I need to let go of who I think I should be.
And so, what will I be when I put down the worry, the anguish, the pressure, the longing?
More me, less a construct of the world’s imagination.
I began this week by honoring, indeed embracing, routine. It is easy to minimize the foundational aspects of living. But what if I embraced it? What if I turned it around in the light and saw the hidden gifts of my morning ritual, my house keeping, my care of body and soul?
Perspective changes so much. Not everything. (No amount of light can change the heartache of loss or destruction.) Yet, in very small ways, I am getting free. Abandoning the safe cocoon of doubt and wondering and longing for what may never be. In very small ways, I am learning to fly.
"And so, what will I be when I put down the worry, the anguish, the pressure, the longing?
More me, less a construct of the world’s imagination." So much beauty here. ❤️
This line caught me and gave me such a beautiful pause - thank you Jacqueline.
For 18 years I’ve been carrying the weight of others drug and alcohol addiction. Talk about heavy…it has come with caring for two beautiful winged souls who also live with heaviness including abandonment and death of their loved ones. Trying to free all of us, and trying to make it make sense to little hearts and brains is a struggle but I think we are all gaining our wings. Serenity now🙌🏻
Kudos to you, Terri, for stepping in and filling the gaps created by the alcoholics/addicts in your life. For those of us with alcoholics/addicts in our lives, perhaps the lesson is to be selective and thoughtful about what we carry, to be clear about what is ours to carry and what to discard.
has taken me years to figure that out 💕✌🏻
As a child I was unable to hang on to anything we moved so often. “Leave it behind, you can always get it again,” my mother would say as she threw our things in the car. I learned early on that there are some things you can never get again. And yet. What I carried with me was a yearning all my own which has stayed with me, for connection in and with the world outside my car window. That perspective was mine and remains mine all these years later.
Oh wow! Lovely. Connection. How do we thrive without it?
Your writing really resonates today. Both messages. My husband and I navigating some family issues around shared property ownership with other family members. You know the movie title “it’s
Complicated”…well, it is and it has made for a lot of stress and then compounded stress by me pushing myself too hard at work. All to say, that I caught myself in the hamster wheel and decided to slow way down, drinking in lots of walks in nature including a great hike yesterday with a large group of special people, the connections, the chats♥️, skipped some work hours and took myself out for a solo brunch, etc and last night a great walkabout Austin (hometown) to drink in the energy of South by Southwest festival.
I feel reborn, today. Oh, and ps, I shut down all social media to quieten external noise and to this forum here is my oasis of community. #special group
I admire all of the steps you took to slow down. Wonderful to hear how they've paid off! ❤️