Jul 2, 2023Liked by Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley, Suleika Jaouad
I was changed forever my first day of Brickett Elementary School in Lynn, Mass. when at age 7 I learned I was a “dirty Jew”. The shame, crying, humiliation. I believed it for 50 years until I had an amazing experience at a Buddhist Retreat Center I lived at for two years. It was February, a Tibetan New Year celebration was happening and the head chef I worked with in the kitchen put on Jewish Klezmer music, which makes you want to get up and dance, and I did! And I was holding a beautiful baby in my arms dancing in the kitchen. A phenomenon occurred! All the self hatred from being called a “dirty Jew” just faded away . The self love reappeared and I began letting go of hiding I was Jewish and loving the Jewish dancing, music, bringing people together around good home cooked meals, the Jewish expressions that would unabashedly come out of my mouth. I no longer cared if you didn’t like me because I was Jewish! I soon became an interfaith minister, working with people of all cultures and religions, and ultimately moved to Harlem in NYC, because I wanted to live with people, who didn’t look like me, sometimes dressed differently from me. And many times did not agree with me. These differences organically guided me in the direction of storytelling to live audiences to share my true stories and show folks they aren’t alone. I’ve realized thru all of my self hatred that it’s Love, kindness, vulnerability, truth, respect, and letting go of expectations 🥰🥰are my super powers!
Jul 2, 2023Liked by Suleika Jaouad, Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley
I've been away from the Isolation Journals for a bit… for reasons I find hard to name…but every time I log back in I am blown away by what is being presented…Suleika’s offereing on her life journeys via reading ..the power and beauty of words.. of stories…followed by the first comment I read on “being changed” by Sherri …Thank you, for who you are and for sharing your words 🙏
Sherri, I have read and reread your post over and over. I cried tears over it, the hateful words of someone causing you pain so deep and lasting...and then, the a New Year's celebration and the finding of yourself again. The power of words, the power of belief, and the power of truth. Ahhh...the "letting go of expectations." I am not "there" yet. It is so lovely to read of your work as an interfaith minister and of your journey.
Good morning, Suleika and the ISJ community! I’m curious if folks would be interested in a ISJ Bibliography/Reading List, I’d be happy to offer to create one. Thoughts?
Hello lovely people! I'm happy to put together a list for everyone--we can link to it either in Friday's small joy notes, or in Sunday's newsletter. I'll figure out a good format, but you can plan to look for it soon. Thank you for the suggestion!
Let me preface this with the strong caveat - I know this is not even in the same dimension of pain, trauma and harm that comes with the ‘othered-ness’ of the racist, classist bigotry captured by both the prompt and probably every other comment to be posted here. Please everyone know that I understand this to my core. But I am trying to learn how to respond to prompts without all the paralyzing self edits I always immediately jump into before actually writing down my thoughts.
Without need for details - I am hurt, vulnerable and need to be very careful about not adding COVID to my mix of health matters. That means I am never without a good N95 mask. And even though ~ 800 people died of COVID last week in the United States; this country has collectively decided it’s done. Over. In the past. Not a threat. Even with my own intimate health care providers I have to request - to the point of begging - them to wear a mask when they are with me. And I don’t always get a yes. Elsewhere, it’s a good bet I’m in the .01 % of masked individuals and have had more exasperating, insulting and demoralizing ‘conversations’ explaining why it’s important than my brain can bear to enumerate. I am embarrassed by how often I cry.
I don’t want to get COVID. I am trying to protect myself AND OTHERS the best way I can. And somehow this has placed me on the outside. And I’m exhausted from trying to convince other people that my life matters. Because that is exactly what it FEELS like I am having to do. To prove to people that I am worth the bother. I am on the outside of life trying to prove that I am not disposable.
I hear everything you’re saying, Dr. Tool. I am an outsider. I still mask up when I’m inside places like the grocery, and doctor’s offices, (where to my thinking, is one of the most risky places because the medical community harbors the most germ-ridden people who are constantly exposed to people who are ill.) It’s absurd to process the possibility of getting sick in a place that is there to help keep me well.
In 2014 I had 1/3 of my colon removed. 70% of the immune system lives in the gut, and one third of mine is gone. Strike One. I’m already at a disadvantage.
I’m getting full-body exams every four months after having three skin cancer surgeries last summer, two basal cells, and one very concerning melanoma. Strike Two.
My husband survived a quad bypass, an A-Fib ablation procedure, multiple TIAs and kidney damage from 4 hours on the heart/lung bypass machine during his bypass surgery. My desire to avoid covid is strong for his sake. Strike Three.
I’ve never been confronted by anyone challenging my choice of wearing a mask, but I’m ready if they do. I’ve got a well planned response that will leave no doubt that they’ve crossed a line with this 68 year old woman who lives on the outskirts of humanity and has decided that she likes it there.
I’m much more effective if I put some thought into what I say. This scenario requires it if I’m to highlight the absurdity of anyone thinking that my mask-wearing concerns them at all.
Peg, I like your words, “This scenario requires it if I’m to highlight the absurdity of anyone thinking that my mask-wearing concerns them at all.” I think the exact same thing! My husband often points out that when you really think about it, why would anyone care if another person is wearing a mask? Seriously? How does this impact them in any manner? It doesn’t.
We are in the same boat...so maybe not so alone :-) My immune system might not be able to handle Covid. It doesn't bother me being the only one wearing a mask in stores, airports, on planes (after not traveling for 3 years), and I don't mind not eating in restaurants, going to concerts, or attending indoor events. But my heart dropped when I went for my 3-month blood work in May and the hospital no longer had a mask requirement. I felt that the people I trusted to take care of me had turned their backs on all of us with weak immune systems. In their calculations, our lives -- even our sense of safety -- apparently didn't matter enough.
As the prompt mentions, that made me suddenly feel 'on the outside'. So life in society now is just me and a very precious piece of fabric.
I’ve also been wearing masks in nyc because of the fires in Canada and I still wear them on busses and subways. Living in NYC I so far have not encountered people vocally judging me because it’s my choice to wear a mask. Amazing to me how judgmental and cruel people are to you. What’s it’s their business? I’m doing it from a place of self love and bless you for taking care of yourself. (Offer people candy when they judge you. Could shock them into kindness mode.
First, I hear you 💜 I see you 💜 I support you 💜 Second, thank you for your honesty. Third, I deeply relate. I’m still masking for very similar reasons as you. I’m one of a very few, if any, wearing a 😷 indoors, especially medical appointments. As a precaution, I avoid eye contact with the maskless. I haven’t had anyone challenge me or harass me ... yet. I’m profoundly grateful for that. The encounters I’ve heard, read or saw on media reports are frightening because the instigators are the ones who likely have been anti mask from the beginning of the pandemic. Ergo, the most fanatic and least rational. I do rehearse in my head how I’ll respond if/when it happens. Walk away. Go to the check out area. Scream. You can’t reason with those individuals, but mostly I’m ready to hit record on my phone and to call 911 the second they cross the line. You are not alone 💜 Sending you support and 💜.
I appreciate your sharing your experiences with us. I also appreciate those who have shared their personal experiences in response to yours. This is a very delicate subject matter for me as well.
Having my ME/CFS come out of remission in 2019 & still having it to date, I am more prone to catching viruses far more easily than those without physical ailments of any kind. Not only do I catch viruses more easily, the viruses hit my body harder & longer. Colds, other viruses that circulate throughout the year, especially in the winter months. If I catch COVID, I could become seriously ill, just like anyone else with a compromised immune system from other physical ailments, diseases. Add to all of this that Long COVID has now been found to be similar in it’s symptoms to ME/CFS, I am even more stringent in the necessary steps I take to try & prevent catching it.
What I cannot wrap my mind around is WHY some people think they have the right to make unnecessary, rude, confronting questions to those who do wear masks today. I have my own personal thoughts about why these people do it, which is another story in itself. But to hear the experiences many people have shared the past several months about the negative experiences they have had in these situations angers me. I haven’t encountered anyone saying anything to me yet, but that hardly means it won’t happen one day.
These comments come from ignorance, plain and simple. And others factors as well. But how does one respond to ignorance and lack of respect for their fellow man? It doesn’t deserve a response, but as humans we feel the need to defend ourselves when we are being verbally assaulted.
There are other countries that still have mask mandates. COVID is not over and people are still dying from it.
Jul 2, 2023Liked by Suleika Jaouad, Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley
I will always choose books over most everything else. Where ever we moved (9 times before age 16), Mom always got us to the library to get library cards the first week in our new digs. When "in" a book, I am no longer on the outside. As an Introvert (who knows how to operate as an Extrovert, but it's so damn exhausting!), I always feel on the outside. It has made me a consummate people watcher. I don't have reading goals. I just go the library, stroll, fill my bag with whatever catches my eye. I just finished "Caste," "The Personal Librarian," "The Escape Artist of Auschwitz" and am on to "Girl Sleuth, Nancy Drew." My mom would always say, "Have a book with you." I love the feeling of turning the pages, wondering who read the book before me, and marveling over the sheer number of stories contained in the minds and hearts of people. Pooja and Suleika, thank you both for writing and sharing your stories.
I love the idea of filling a big with books that catch your eye. Although, I might find that too difficult--it seems like every new book has a beautiful cover and I want to read them all!
Lovely post Mary. My father, the consummate New Yorker, walking the streets of the village and soho and sitting in downtown breakfast places, would always have a book in the back of his pants...I suppose I’m giving all of that back story because it makes me so happy to think of him that way. I’ve read a couple of the books lately that you have as well.
Jul 2, 2023Liked by Carmen Radley, Suleika Jaouad, Holly Huitt
Who remembers Bookmobiles?
I once caught lightning bugs in a jar so I could (at least try) to read in bed.
And to all those who said Nancy Drew was flawed, bad, etc., I say she taught me that girls could have adventures, and I have had my share.
An amazing book, impossible to put down: A History of Present Illness by Anna DeForest. She's a neurologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering in NY. It is about her medical training and much, much, more. Maybe she and Suleika have already crossed paths.
My own book, Shrapnel in the Heart, is about the legacy of love and loss. I traced people who left letters to the dead at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. The flag on the coffin covered only the obvious tragedy.. The book is a perspective on the war from those who lose the most and say the least.
Those I met while writing it, both the living and the dead, have been some of my life's greatest teachers.
My parents’ first family house was in a brand-new subdivision that was miles from the main library, so the Bookmobile came. I thought it was magical: a bus filled with books! We moved later to a house in an established neighborhood where we could walk to the library, but the Bookmobile started me off.
Grew up with bookmobiles-once the driver/librarian challenged my choice as not appropriate/too old for me and sent me to get my mother. Mom got on the “bus” and said I could check out whatever appealed to me and she and I would discuss what I didn’t understand. The perfect answer, thanks Mom! I totally agree with the Nancy Drew theory. To this day I look for adventure either in books or real life!
Kiersten, your system wows me. I always need a book but am not setting goals. Because I live in a non-English speaking country, I tend to read on my Kindle, something I swore I'd never do as a writer. My most recent reads that I highly recommend: The Bohemians by Jasmin Darznik (historical fiction), Radio Shangri-La by Lisa Napoli (memoir), The Education of Dixie Dupree by Donna Everhart (fiction), Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt, Take My Hand by Dolen Perkins-Valdez, Girl at War by Sara Novic. Also loved Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult, Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner, The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd. But I have my first book coming out (Places We Left Behind: a memoir-in-miniature 9/5/23) and finding it really hard to carve out reading time. Still, I keep a running list in my emails of books to read so keep sharing.
Congratulations on your book launch! I have books by my bed, the couch, in my office and online...I’m usually reading 3-4 at a time...I know it sounds crazy to some and can be crazy making for me - but it’s just how I’ve read...
I do this too. I love reading fiction but I also want to learn so I find reading several books helps me read more across genres. It’s a bit much sometimes and sometimes I forget I started a book.
That's so funny! That just happened to me today! I came back across a book I had started a few weeks ago, and was enjoying it, then popped over to my other books and forgot it. It was like a present. Sublime.
Thea, I think we might be kindred spirits! I too have 3-4 books going at a time. It so lovely to go to whichever one fits my mood, the day, my needs...I've never met anyone else who did this. Yay!
I do this, too, and it’s nice to know there are kindred spirits. I often have one or two nonfiction and poetry books, and have recently added in fiction again after a long hiatus.
Thanks so much. Meanwhile, I forgot to say that I brought Suleika's Between Two Kingdoms to my International Book Club last year and couldn't put it down and had the deepest conversation around the text. Thank you Suleika!
I Loved Remarkably Bright Creatures, Jennifer! Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery is also up there, as is Crying in H-Mart by Michelle Zauner. I like where this is going!
Jul 2, 2023·edited Jul 2, 2023Liked by Suleika Jaouad, Carmen Radley
Although I recognize my own sense of being an outsider is not the same as someone who feels different because of the color of their skin or their name, I have had several incidences in my life where I felt it, and I felt a lot of shame because of it. My differences tend to be mostly invisible to others. The first time I experienced this I was my first year of junior high school. I was small, thin, and slow to mature. When I say I was the ONLY girl in the 7th grade who didn't wear a bra and instead, little white tank top undershirts, and instead of "nylons," little white anklets, I'm not exaggerating. My dresses were whatever my mother could find in the "little" girls department that didn't look too childish. Of course I got bullied. We had to change clothes for PE! Everyone saw! Then later, after a broken neck, and then a brain surgery, and then another brain surgery, I entered the land of the disabled. To this day (now 72) when I see others running, seeing, driving, playing, I feel like an outsider who yearns for my old life (I was a windsurfer and mountain biker in my 40's). Also, getting older causes me to feel this way. I feel invisible to younger people, which is a strange feeling, as coming of age in the 1960's has made me very young at heart and I relate to the younger people much more than the elderly. It's a weird balance, but I don't let it stop me from the love of my life, appreciation of the beauty of nature, art, and music. We only get one life.
I so relate to the feeling of being older and unseen sometimes. I’m my mind I’m still me. I see myself younger mentally. Or maybe this is just in my mind. I always loved ‘elders’.
Yes...I try to remember when I am speaking with the very elderly that they probably feel similarly...much younger in their own sense of self. I try to "see" them in a way I want to feel seen. I don't always get it right either.
In my head I still see myself in my forties for some reason, possibly because that was a vibrant time of my life. Your ‘invisible to younger people’ comment strikes a chord with me. The inexperience of youth caused me to occasionally make snap judgements about older people. Not verbally, but in my head. Sometimes it was harsh, but again, never EVER spoken. I now know it from the other side and I’m thankful that I kept those misguided assumptions to myself. I’ve had a few times when a younger person interacted with me in a way that told me they were looking at me in that way. Lesson learned. At this point, I’m just thankful to be here which causes me to look for the goodness in people and shrug off the negative impact of anything less than kindness.
My othering has come from being a woman. I got into dental school, a feat in itself in 1977. I was one of 17 women in a class of 138. There was no solidarity and much discrimination throughout my dental school career. When I graduated, I had my own practice, and people were able to choose me, knowing I am a woman which helped. I became one of three women dentists in my entire county. At dental meetings it became obvious that while I was balancing my career, and raising my children and maintaining a home, my colleagues would go home to put their feet up and relax!
I have a goal to read 200 books a year (I’m a fast reader and it’s how I unwind) so at the start of each month I set up a shelf with 15 books on it - a mixture of light, literary, classics (I’m reading through Dickens this year) and some non-fiction. Then I read through my shelf over the month (with room for a few additions). Looking at my shelf each night gives me so much joy. And the delight of being able to pick a new book within some constraints - so I’m not trying to decide what to read - really works for me.
Joyous Sunday morning! I’m on a journey to the Canadian Maritimes by plane and car and ferry! I’m carrying around the 2 pound, 715 page “The Covenant of Water” by Abraham Verghese , so on a reading journey too! Oh my ...... haven’t once regretted lugging around the heaviest book I’ve ever taken on a trip! Both these journeys will be with me forever! A life changing novel of pure joy!
I believe everyone experiences the outsider syndrome at some point on some level. somehow we have been conditioned (intergenerationally) that we are separate from the natural world, our cosmic source and the aftermath or reasonable conclusion is that we are separate from one another, un-same, desperately looking for bridges. The work is interior, where all are welcome. I am currently reading Wendell Berry's Fidelity. For me, his writing hits pure and profoundly real. Recent likes include Sonya Renee Taylor's book about radical self-love, The Body Is Not An Apology, rick rubin's creative act (ongoing), and Abigail Thomas'...every book she has ever written. May I with deep humility suggest mine as well, Underwater Daughter, a tragic and radical love story. Thank you Suleika for your ongoing portals that surface more questions and thoughtful meditations.
Each month, I choose a word to guide my reading, writing, learning and living for myself and my community. This month, the word is conjubilant: shouting together with joy!
We are reading books about friendship (The Life Council by Laura Tremaine, The Bright Side Running Club by Josie Lloyd, The Celebrants by Steven Rowley), joy (Inciting Joy by Ross Gay, Crazy Joy by Mary Katherine Backstrom), poetry (I Hope This Finds You Well by Kate Baer) and books others have shouted joyfully about (Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano, Maame by Jessica George).
I truly believe that reading and writing can make our lives better and choosing a monthly intention helps me do just that AND connect with others in a community. I hope you enjoy the selections!
I choose them based on a mix of things: my own personal ideas, the state of the world, what I see my community discussing and more. I think conjubliant might be my favorite....but sonder is a close second!
Wow. I love how intentional your system is. My process follows no order which is ironic given that I organize books for a career. My only through line is reading that challenges me and sometimes diverse authors. Here are a few from this year's reading list mostly found through part research and serendipity: Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson ; Tress of the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson ; Superfan : how pop culture broke open my heart by Jen Sookfong Lee ; True Biz by Sara Novic (coming of age story with deaf characters...a must read). Currently reading A Good Hard Look by Ann Napolitano because I admire Flannery O'Connor's writing and the novel has a fictional Flannery in her home town. Happy reading...
Thank you, Brenda! I LOVED Black Cake and have it on a couple of my bibliotherapy book lists: Books About Cake and Family Relationships. The others are new to me and I think I need to add True Biz to my TBR right away. I have to ask...what do you do as a career? I love organizing my bookshelves more than anything else. =)
My career is a librarian, where I have access to new ideas, can escape into another world, and fall in love with characters, places and lyrically crafted language. May there be book shelf organizing time in your future. Lol.
Sulieka great post about books. I can identify with getting so lost in books in the same way. When i was younger I was really into the fiction novels but i will for me it's been more on the nonfiction side because ive forever been obsessed understanding how people work. I'm currently working on reading 3 books. 1.Einstien biography by Walter Isaacson 2.freakanomics 3.four walls of my freedom by Donna thompspn. The last one does lead me into my response to the prompt.
For me in general I've always felt an outsider just because of the way i think. I will say that took on a different look when my daughter who has autism was born. The outsider part was made clear when she started school. It turned into an advocate because i started to realize how skewed the school system is for those that don't need extra help. If you do you have to work so much harder to be heard and seen because let's face the fact that environment has always had an issue with putting so much resources into to helping the most vulnerable. Although the last few years in this province it's been clear that most vulnerable in school isn't a priority to help by our provincial govt's actions of cutting school budgets to a point where many in our community are forced because the lack of resources in classrooms to stay home and find other ways of getting education. Living in the disability as a family you feel like this outsider because you sense everyone is looking with judgement because you're kid does things different than most kids they're age. I wish it wasn't like that but thats what happens when the messaging in society gets so messed up. Aside from that I'm proud of my daughter because she feels comfortable in who she is as a person and is afraid to voice her opinion. I just wish it wasn't hard for her and kids like her to get what they need because of how society views this segment of the population.
I never felt like an insider nor wanted to be one- it seemed boring. The outsiders for different reasons drew me-we remain one-even it is sometimes lonely. As reading this is me too "I’d get so immersed in a book that I simply couldn’t put it down. I would read while walking down the street—more than once, I collided with a street lamp." A me too moment from Suleika.. now I am reading "Holding The NOTE" by David Remnick- I was never a reading purist as a teen I read Tolstoy and Rona Jaffe---I read The Atlantic articles and slush through some of PEOPLE--my reading shows few bounds--I don't use Audiobooks yet or Kindle --I am so happy to read, write, share.
So great that you posted a photo of the Lyrical Ballad, as your hometown bookstore. I just hours ago returned from there and Saratoga Springs, from a week of teaching fiction writing at the wondrous event held every year at Skidmore, the NY State Summer Writers Institute, where I've taught for 25 years! Aside from the incredible students I've taught myself, some of the Institute's students have included Garth Greenwell (author of novels WHERE YOU BELONG and CLEANNESS) who returned last Tues to do a Q/A and a reading--and wow my students with advice (along with his breathtaking prose), with this, I think, at the top: "Write the story only you can write." (!) As a writer of many books, I've used this as an touchstone, whether I'm working on something or between projects. WRITE THE STORY ONLY YOU CAN WRITE. I did this recently myself, when being treated for and recovering from lymphoma. My memoir, just published REWRITING ILLNESS: A VIEW OF MY OWN, owes much to Suleika and ISOLATION JOURNAL editor Carmen Radley, who, unaware what I was writing about, offered me a PROMPT (186 "Untangling My Lost Hair") while completing the book. Carmen's astute and tender editing of my prompt inspired final revisions of the book, and I am forever grateful. Well, there's more to this story: In 2014, when I edited an anthology of women writing about why we're so obsessed with our hair (ME, MY HAIR AND I), Suleika contributed an essay to that volume called "Hair, Interrupted: One Woman Faces Hair Loss after Chemo." Several years later, I was to confront my own chemo & hair loss, and though I wasn't nearly as brave as Suleika had been, her experience helped me through mine. One of the issues I dealt with in my memoir was telling and NOT telling others that I was sick. I held the info very close, and there were many people I didn't tell. If the ISOLATION JOURNALS had been around when I was going through "my ordeal," I might have made a different decision. What an amazing community Suleika has created here for us! #forevergrateful
Hi Elizabeth! I was lucky to see Garth Greenwell speak when he came to Bennington during my time studying there. He's incredible. And you're right--this is an amazing community. ❤️❤️
I have written in the space before about how, as a child, I could not connect with others. I hid from other kids on the playground, couldn’t figure out how to talk to them, felt I had no friends. The feelings of anxiety and loneliness stayed with me into my young adult life, keeping me nervous and reserved. But then I was fortunate to find the people who helped me change—my husband, his wonderful family, the friends I finally made. It was a long process, but I was able to overcome a lot of that tension and feel more normal. I found a place where I belong.
Then I was drawn to the work of teaching classes in a program for jail inmates, which I did for over 20 years. I realized my feelings of being an outsider actually made me better at my job, in some ways. So many people who end up involved in criminal activities have negative feelings about themselves. Unlike me, they don’t always get better life experiences to help them overcome those feelings. They have dealt with poverty, chaotic relationships, and lack of a good basic education. And racism—from what I saw, that is definitely a force in the lives of those who end up doing time in jails and prisons.
My early life experiences, bad as they were, made me a better teacher, maybe a better human being. I sensed this when I was teaching the inmates; that though my experiences were different, though I had not experienced racism, there was a shared human connection between their sorrows and mine. We are all different, but the same. We all need compassion, and by giving it I felt it for myself as well. I’m very grateful I had that job.
I was changed forever my first day of Brickett Elementary School in Lynn, Mass. when at age 7 I learned I was a “dirty Jew”. The shame, crying, humiliation. I believed it for 50 years until I had an amazing experience at a Buddhist Retreat Center I lived at for two years. It was February, a Tibetan New Year celebration was happening and the head chef I worked with in the kitchen put on Jewish Klezmer music, which makes you want to get up and dance, and I did! And I was holding a beautiful baby in my arms dancing in the kitchen. A phenomenon occurred! All the self hatred from being called a “dirty Jew” just faded away . The self love reappeared and I began letting go of hiding I was Jewish and loving the Jewish dancing, music, bringing people together around good home cooked meals, the Jewish expressions that would unabashedly come out of my mouth. I no longer cared if you didn’t like me because I was Jewish! I soon became an interfaith minister, working with people of all cultures and religions, and ultimately moved to Harlem in NYC, because I wanted to live with people, who didn’t look like me, sometimes dressed differently from me. And many times did not agree with me. These differences organically guided me in the direction of storytelling to live audiences to share my true stories and show folks they aren’t alone. I’ve realized thru all of my self hatred that it’s Love, kindness, vulnerability, truth, respect, and letting go of expectations 🥰🥰are my super powers!
I've been away from the Isolation Journals for a bit… for reasons I find hard to name…but every time I log back in I am blown away by what is being presented…Suleika’s offereing on her life journeys via reading ..the power and beauty of words.. of stories…followed by the first comment I read on “being changed” by Sherri …Thank you, for who you are and for sharing your words 🙏
Thank you, Kathleen. So glad to see you here. ❤️
🙏
Sherri, I have read and reread your post over and over. I cried tears over it, the hateful words of someone causing you pain so deep and lasting...and then, the a New Year's celebration and the finding of yourself again. The power of words, the power of belief, and the power of truth. Ahhh...the "letting go of expectations." I am not "there" yet. It is so lovely to read of your work as an interfaith minister and of your journey.
Mary you touched me so with your beautiful, heartfelt words. Bless you on this journey of being alive. Sherri 🙏💪🏽🦋🌹
💜👍🏽
Good morning, Suleika and the ISJ community! I’m curious if folks would be interested in a ISJ Bibliography/Reading List, I’d be happy to offer to create one. Thoughts?
Hello lovely people! I'm happy to put together a list for everyone--we can link to it either in Friday's small joy notes, or in Sunday's newsletter. I'll figure out a good format, but you can plan to look for it soon. Thank you for the suggestion!
Thank you, Holly, and everyone!
Ps. Maybe an open Google Doc that folks can add to?
Or a Good Reads group could be nice?
What about a virtual ISJ book club once a month?
Yes, Joy! I was thinking similarly. Thank you.
Good idea!
Thank you! 📚
Yes, please.
Love this!
Yes!!
Good morning - sure, that’d be great
Let me preface this with the strong caveat - I know this is not even in the same dimension of pain, trauma and harm that comes with the ‘othered-ness’ of the racist, classist bigotry captured by both the prompt and probably every other comment to be posted here. Please everyone know that I understand this to my core. But I am trying to learn how to respond to prompts without all the paralyzing self edits I always immediately jump into before actually writing down my thoughts.
Without need for details - I am hurt, vulnerable and need to be very careful about not adding COVID to my mix of health matters. That means I am never without a good N95 mask. And even though ~ 800 people died of COVID last week in the United States; this country has collectively decided it’s done. Over. In the past. Not a threat. Even with my own intimate health care providers I have to request - to the point of begging - them to wear a mask when they are with me. And I don’t always get a yes. Elsewhere, it’s a good bet I’m in the .01 % of masked individuals and have had more exasperating, insulting and demoralizing ‘conversations’ explaining why it’s important than my brain can bear to enumerate. I am embarrassed by how often I cry.
I don’t want to get COVID. I am trying to protect myself AND OTHERS the best way I can. And somehow this has placed me on the outside. And I’m exhausted from trying to convince other people that my life matters. Because that is exactly what it FEELS like I am having to do. To prove to people that I am worth the bother. I am on the outside of life trying to prove that I am not disposable.
I hear everything you’re saying, Dr. Tool. I am an outsider. I still mask up when I’m inside places like the grocery, and doctor’s offices, (where to my thinking, is one of the most risky places because the medical community harbors the most germ-ridden people who are constantly exposed to people who are ill.) It’s absurd to process the possibility of getting sick in a place that is there to help keep me well.
In 2014 I had 1/3 of my colon removed. 70% of the immune system lives in the gut, and one third of mine is gone. Strike One. I’m already at a disadvantage.
I’m getting full-body exams every four months after having three skin cancer surgeries last summer, two basal cells, and one very concerning melanoma. Strike Two.
My husband survived a quad bypass, an A-Fib ablation procedure, multiple TIAs and kidney damage from 4 hours on the heart/lung bypass machine during his bypass surgery. My desire to avoid covid is strong for his sake. Strike Three.
I’ve never been confronted by anyone challenging my choice of wearing a mask, but I’m ready if they do. I’ve got a well planned response that will leave no doubt that they’ve crossed a line with this 68 year old woman who lives on the outskirts of humanity and has decided that she likes it there.
I love a good well-planned response. ❤️
I’m much more effective if I put some thought into what I say. This scenario requires it if I’m to highlight the absurdity of anyone thinking that my mask-wearing concerns them at all.
Peg, I like your words, “This scenario requires it if I’m to highlight the absurdity of anyone thinking that my mask-wearing concerns them at all.” I think the exact same thing! My husband often points out that when you really think about it, why would anyone care if another person is wearing a mask? Seriously? How does this impact them in any manner? It doesn’t.
Relate!
We are in the same boat...so maybe not so alone :-) My immune system might not be able to handle Covid. It doesn't bother me being the only one wearing a mask in stores, airports, on planes (after not traveling for 3 years), and I don't mind not eating in restaurants, going to concerts, or attending indoor events. But my heart dropped when I went for my 3-month blood work in May and the hospital no longer had a mask requirement. I felt that the people I trusted to take care of me had turned their backs on all of us with weak immune systems. In their calculations, our lives -- even our sense of safety -- apparently didn't matter enough.
As the prompt mentions, that made me suddenly feel 'on the outside'. So life in society now is just me and a very precious piece of fabric.
I’ve also been wearing masks in nyc because of the fires in Canada and I still wear them on busses and subways. Living in NYC I so far have not encountered people vocally judging me because it’s my choice to wear a mask. Amazing to me how judgmental and cruel people are to you. What’s it’s their business? I’m doing it from a place of self love and bless you for taking care of yourself. (Offer people candy when they judge you. Could shock them into kindness mode.
Dr. Tool, you are here, you are heard, you are valued.
First, I hear you 💜 I see you 💜 I support you 💜 Second, thank you for your honesty. Third, I deeply relate. I’m still masking for very similar reasons as you. I’m one of a very few, if any, wearing a 😷 indoors, especially medical appointments. As a precaution, I avoid eye contact with the maskless. I haven’t had anyone challenge me or harass me ... yet. I’m profoundly grateful for that. The encounters I’ve heard, read or saw on media reports are frightening because the instigators are the ones who likely have been anti mask from the beginning of the pandemic. Ergo, the most fanatic and least rational. I do rehearse in my head how I’ll respond if/when it happens. Walk away. Go to the check out area. Scream. You can’t reason with those individuals, but mostly I’m ready to hit record on my phone and to call 911 the second they cross the line. You are not alone 💜 Sending you support and 💜.
I appreciate your sharing your experiences with us. I also appreciate those who have shared their personal experiences in response to yours. This is a very delicate subject matter for me as well.
Having my ME/CFS come out of remission in 2019 & still having it to date, I am more prone to catching viruses far more easily than those without physical ailments of any kind. Not only do I catch viruses more easily, the viruses hit my body harder & longer. Colds, other viruses that circulate throughout the year, especially in the winter months. If I catch COVID, I could become seriously ill, just like anyone else with a compromised immune system from other physical ailments, diseases. Add to all of this that Long COVID has now been found to be similar in it’s symptoms to ME/CFS, I am even more stringent in the necessary steps I take to try & prevent catching it.
What I cannot wrap my mind around is WHY some people think they have the right to make unnecessary, rude, confronting questions to those who do wear masks today. I have my own personal thoughts about why these people do it, which is another story in itself. But to hear the experiences many people have shared the past several months about the negative experiences they have had in these situations angers me. I haven’t encountered anyone saying anything to me yet, but that hardly means it won’t happen one day.
These comments come from ignorance, plain and simple. And others factors as well. But how does one respond to ignorance and lack of respect for their fellow man? It doesn’t deserve a response, but as humans we feel the need to defend ourselves when we are being verbally assaulted.
There are other countries that still have mask mandates. COVID is not over and people are still dying from it.
Yes, yes, yes. You just wrote my response for me. I have other thoughts about being an outsider, but this one is big for me. Thanks.
I will always choose books over most everything else. Where ever we moved (9 times before age 16), Mom always got us to the library to get library cards the first week in our new digs. When "in" a book, I am no longer on the outside. As an Introvert (who knows how to operate as an Extrovert, but it's so damn exhausting!), I always feel on the outside. It has made me a consummate people watcher. I don't have reading goals. I just go the library, stroll, fill my bag with whatever catches my eye. I just finished "Caste," "The Personal Librarian," "The Escape Artist of Auschwitz" and am on to "Girl Sleuth, Nancy Drew." My mom would always say, "Have a book with you." I love the feeling of turning the pages, wondering who read the book before me, and marveling over the sheer number of stories contained in the minds and hearts of people. Pooja and Suleika, thank you both for writing and sharing your stories.
I love the idea of filling a big with books that catch your eye. Although, I might find that too difficult--it seems like every new book has a beautiful cover and I want to read them all!
Lovely post Mary. My father, the consummate New Yorker, walking the streets of the village and soho and sitting in downtown breakfast places, would always have a book in the back of his pants...I suppose I’m giving all of that back story because it makes me so happy to think of him that way. I’ve read a couple of the books lately that you have as well.
Oh, Thea, I love this image so much! I also think you have the first line of a book right there.
Thanks for that - I’m writing and never considered that as a starting place - but it could work!
I say this to my kids too.
Who remembers Bookmobiles?
I once caught lightning bugs in a jar so I could (at least try) to read in bed.
And to all those who said Nancy Drew was flawed, bad, etc., I say she taught me that girls could have adventures, and I have had my share.
An amazing book, impossible to put down: A History of Present Illness by Anna DeForest. She's a neurologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering in NY. It is about her medical training and much, much, more. Maybe she and Suleika have already crossed paths.
My own book, Shrapnel in the Heart, is about the legacy of love and loss. I traced people who left letters to the dead at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. The flag on the coffin covered only the obvious tragedy.. The book is a perspective on the war from those who lose the most and say the least.
Those I met while writing it, both the living and the dead, have been some of my life's greatest teachers.
Laura (Palmer)
My parents’ first family house was in a brand-new subdivision that was miles from the main library, so the Bookmobile came. I thought it was magical: a bus filled with books! We moved later to a house in an established neighborhood where we could walk to the library, but the Bookmobile started me off.
I counted the days until the Bookmobile came back to our rural Maine school in the 1970’s. ❤️
Lightning bugs in a jar to read by?!?! I LOVE that image…your book sounds fascinating
Grew up with bookmobiles-once the driver/librarian challenged my choice as not appropriate/too old for me and sent me to get my mother. Mom got on the “bus” and said I could check out whatever appealed to me and she and I would discuss what I didn’t understand. The perfect answer, thanks Mom! I totally agree with the Nancy Drew theory. To this day I look for adventure either in books or real life!
Kiersten, your system wows me. I always need a book but am not setting goals. Because I live in a non-English speaking country, I tend to read on my Kindle, something I swore I'd never do as a writer. My most recent reads that I highly recommend: The Bohemians by Jasmin Darznik (historical fiction), Radio Shangri-La by Lisa Napoli (memoir), The Education of Dixie Dupree by Donna Everhart (fiction), Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt, Take My Hand by Dolen Perkins-Valdez, Girl at War by Sara Novic. Also loved Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult, Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner, The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd. But I have my first book coming out (Places We Left Behind: a memoir-in-miniature 9/5/23) and finding it really hard to carve out reading time. Still, I keep a running list in my emails of books to read so keep sharing.
Congratulations on your book launch! I have books by my bed, the couch, in my office and online...I’m usually reading 3-4 at a time...I know it sounds crazy to some and can be crazy making for me - but it’s just how I’ve read...
I do this too. I love reading fiction but I also want to learn so I find reading several books helps me read more across genres. It’s a bit much sometimes and sometimes I forget I started a book.
That's so funny! That just happened to me today! I came back across a book I had started a few weeks ago, and was enjoying it, then popped over to my other books and forgot it. It was like a present. Sublime.
Thea, I think we might be kindred spirits! I too have 3-4 books going at a time. It so lovely to go to whichever one fits my mood, the day, my needs...I've never met anyone else who did this. Yay!
I do this, too, and it’s nice to know there are kindred spirits. I often have one or two nonfiction and poetry books, and have recently added in fiction again after a long hiatus.
I am just adding fiction back in to my reading as well! I find myself drawn (not surprisingly) to historical fiction.
I like historical fiction, too, though I’ve been reading some other kinds of late.
Like you, I am always reading a few books at a time. My daughter & niece do the same as well.
Yes! It's so much fun that way. I love that you three do that too. What are you reading?
"Crazy Making" perfect title for a book!
Congrats on your memoir!
Thanks so much. Meanwhile, I forgot to say that I brought Suleika's Between Two Kingdoms to my International Book Club last year and couldn't put it down and had the deepest conversation around the text. Thank you Suleika!
❤️❤️
Mary, thank you! I am beyond excited.
I Loved Remarkably Bright Creatures, Jennifer! Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery is also up there, as is Crying in H-Mart by Michelle Zauner. I like where this is going!
💜👍🏽📚
Although I recognize my own sense of being an outsider is not the same as someone who feels different because of the color of their skin or their name, I have had several incidences in my life where I felt it, and I felt a lot of shame because of it. My differences tend to be mostly invisible to others. The first time I experienced this I was my first year of junior high school. I was small, thin, and slow to mature. When I say I was the ONLY girl in the 7th grade who didn't wear a bra and instead, little white tank top undershirts, and instead of "nylons," little white anklets, I'm not exaggerating. My dresses were whatever my mother could find in the "little" girls department that didn't look too childish. Of course I got bullied. We had to change clothes for PE! Everyone saw! Then later, after a broken neck, and then a brain surgery, and then another brain surgery, I entered the land of the disabled. To this day (now 72) when I see others running, seeing, driving, playing, I feel like an outsider who yearns for my old life (I was a windsurfer and mountain biker in my 40's). Also, getting older causes me to feel this way. I feel invisible to younger people, which is a strange feeling, as coming of age in the 1960's has made me very young at heart and I relate to the younger people much more than the elderly. It's a weird balance, but I don't let it stop me from the love of my life, appreciation of the beauty of nature, art, and music. We only get one life.
I so relate to the feeling of being older and unseen sometimes. I’m my mind I’m still me. I see myself younger mentally. Or maybe this is just in my mind. I always loved ‘elders’.
Yes...I try to remember when I am speaking with the very elderly that they probably feel similarly...much younger in their own sense of self. I try to "see" them in a way I want to feel seen. I don't always get it right either.
In my head I still see myself in my forties for some reason, possibly because that was a vibrant time of my life. Your ‘invisible to younger people’ comment strikes a chord with me. The inexperience of youth caused me to occasionally make snap judgements about older people. Not verbally, but in my head. Sometimes it was harsh, but again, never EVER spoken. I now know it from the other side and I’m thankful that I kept those misguided assumptions to myself. I’ve had a few times when a younger person interacted with me in a way that told me they were looking at me in that way. Lesson learned. At this point, I’m just thankful to be here which causes me to look for the goodness in people and shrug off the negative impact of anything less than kindness.
My othering has come from being a woman. I got into dental school, a feat in itself in 1977. I was one of 17 women in a class of 138. There was no solidarity and much discrimination throughout my dental school career. When I graduated, I had my own practice, and people were able to choose me, knowing I am a woman which helped. I became one of three women dentists in my entire county. At dental meetings it became obvious that while I was balancing my career, and raising my children and maintaining a home, my colleagues would go home to put their feet up and relax!
I have a goal to read 200 books a year (I’m a fast reader and it’s how I unwind) so at the start of each month I set up a shelf with 15 books on it - a mixture of light, literary, classics (I’m reading through Dickens this year) and some non-fiction. Then I read through my shelf over the month (with room for a few additions). Looking at my shelf each night gives me so much joy. And the delight of being able to pick a new book within some constraints - so I’m not trying to decide what to read - really works for me.
I love a system!
Wow
Joyous Sunday morning! I’m on a journey to the Canadian Maritimes by plane and car and ferry! I’m carrying around the 2 pound, 715 page “The Covenant of Water” by Abraham Verghese , so on a reading journey too! Oh my ...... haven’t once regretted lugging around the heaviest book I’ve ever taken on a trip! Both these journeys will be with me forever! A life changing novel of pure joy!
I love this! Maybe the question "What's the heaviest book you've ever taken on a trip?" is my new icebreaker...
The Covenant of Water……wonderful!
I believe everyone experiences the outsider syndrome at some point on some level. somehow we have been conditioned (intergenerationally) that we are separate from the natural world, our cosmic source and the aftermath or reasonable conclusion is that we are separate from one another, un-same, desperately looking for bridges. The work is interior, where all are welcome. I am currently reading Wendell Berry's Fidelity. For me, his writing hits pure and profoundly real. Recent likes include Sonya Renee Taylor's book about radical self-love, The Body Is Not An Apology, rick rubin's creative act (ongoing), and Abigail Thomas'...every book she has ever written. May I with deep humility suggest mine as well, Underwater Daughter, a tragic and radical love story. Thank you Suleika for your ongoing portals that surface more questions and thoughtful meditations.
I love this: “The work is interior, where we are all welcome.”
Each month, I choose a word to guide my reading, writing, learning and living for myself and my community. This month, the word is conjubilant: shouting together with joy!
We are reading books about friendship (The Life Council by Laura Tremaine, The Bright Side Running Club by Josie Lloyd, The Celebrants by Steven Rowley), joy (Inciting Joy by Ross Gay, Crazy Joy by Mary Katherine Backstrom), poetry (I Hope This Finds You Well by Kate Baer) and books others have shouted joyfully about (Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano, Maame by Jessica George).
I truly believe that reading and writing can make our lives better and choosing a monthly intention helps me do just that AND connect with others in a community. I hope you enjoy the selections!
I love this! How do you choose your word?
I choose them based on a mix of things: my own personal ideas, the state of the world, what I see my community discussing and more. I think conjubliant might be my favorite....but sonder is a close second!
Wow. I love how intentional your system is. My process follows no order which is ironic given that I organize books for a career. My only through line is reading that challenges me and sometimes diverse authors. Here are a few from this year's reading list mostly found through part research and serendipity: Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson ; Tress of the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson ; Superfan : how pop culture broke open my heart by Jen Sookfong Lee ; True Biz by Sara Novic (coming of age story with deaf characters...a must read). Currently reading A Good Hard Look by Ann Napolitano because I admire Flannery O'Connor's writing and the novel has a fictional Flannery in her home town. Happy reading...
Thank you, Brenda! I LOVED Black Cake and have it on a couple of my bibliotherapy book lists: Books About Cake and Family Relationships. The others are new to me and I think I need to add True Biz to my TBR right away. I have to ask...what do you do as a career? I love organizing my bookshelves more than anything else. =)
My career is a librarian, where I have access to new ideas, can escape into another world, and fall in love with characters, places and lyrically crafted language. May there be book shelf organizing time in your future. Lol.
That was the best wish anyone could have given me. =)
Sulieka great post about books. I can identify with getting so lost in books in the same way. When i was younger I was really into the fiction novels but i will for me it's been more on the nonfiction side because ive forever been obsessed understanding how people work. I'm currently working on reading 3 books. 1.Einstien biography by Walter Isaacson 2.freakanomics 3.four walls of my freedom by Donna thompspn. The last one does lead me into my response to the prompt.
For me in general I've always felt an outsider just because of the way i think. I will say that took on a different look when my daughter who has autism was born. The outsider part was made clear when she started school. It turned into an advocate because i started to realize how skewed the school system is for those that don't need extra help. If you do you have to work so much harder to be heard and seen because let's face the fact that environment has always had an issue with putting so much resources into to helping the most vulnerable. Although the last few years in this province it's been clear that most vulnerable in school isn't a priority to help by our provincial govt's actions of cutting school budgets to a point where many in our community are forced because the lack of resources in classrooms to stay home and find other ways of getting education. Living in the disability as a family you feel like this outsider because you sense everyone is looking with judgement because you're kid does things different than most kids they're age. I wish it wasn't like that but thats what happens when the messaging in society gets so messed up. Aside from that I'm proud of my daughter because she feels comfortable in who she is as a person and is afraid to voice her opinion. I just wish it wasn't hard for her and kids like her to get what they need because of how society views this segment of the population.
I never felt like an insider nor wanted to be one- it seemed boring. The outsiders for different reasons drew me-we remain one-even it is sometimes lonely. As reading this is me too "I’d get so immersed in a book that I simply couldn’t put it down. I would read while walking down the street—more than once, I collided with a street lamp." A me too moment from Suleika.. now I am reading "Holding The NOTE" by David Remnick- I was never a reading purist as a teen I read Tolstoy and Rona Jaffe---I read The Atlantic articles and slush through some of PEOPLE--my reading shows few bounds--I don't use Audiobooks yet or Kindle --I am so happy to read, write, share.
Suleika and Co!
So great that you posted a photo of the Lyrical Ballad, as your hometown bookstore. I just hours ago returned from there and Saratoga Springs, from a week of teaching fiction writing at the wondrous event held every year at Skidmore, the NY State Summer Writers Institute, where I've taught for 25 years! Aside from the incredible students I've taught myself, some of the Institute's students have included Garth Greenwell (author of novels WHERE YOU BELONG and CLEANNESS) who returned last Tues to do a Q/A and a reading--and wow my students with advice (along with his breathtaking prose), with this, I think, at the top: "Write the story only you can write." (!) As a writer of many books, I've used this as an touchstone, whether I'm working on something or between projects. WRITE THE STORY ONLY YOU CAN WRITE. I did this recently myself, when being treated for and recovering from lymphoma. My memoir, just published REWRITING ILLNESS: A VIEW OF MY OWN, owes much to Suleika and ISOLATION JOURNAL editor Carmen Radley, who, unaware what I was writing about, offered me a PROMPT (186 "Untangling My Lost Hair") while completing the book. Carmen's astute and tender editing of my prompt inspired final revisions of the book, and I am forever grateful. Well, there's more to this story: In 2014, when I edited an anthology of women writing about why we're so obsessed with our hair (ME, MY HAIR AND I), Suleika contributed an essay to that volume called "Hair, Interrupted: One Woman Faces Hair Loss after Chemo." Several years later, I was to confront my own chemo & hair loss, and though I wasn't nearly as brave as Suleika had been, her experience helped me through mine. One of the issues I dealt with in my memoir was telling and NOT telling others that I was sick. I held the info very close, and there were many people I didn't tell. If the ISOLATION JOURNALS had been around when I was going through "my ordeal," I might have made a different decision. What an amazing community Suleika has created here for us! #forevergrateful
Hi Elizabeth! I was lucky to see Garth Greenwell speak when he came to Bennington during my time studying there. He's incredible. And you're right--this is an amazing community. ❤️❤️
I have written in the space before about how, as a child, I could not connect with others. I hid from other kids on the playground, couldn’t figure out how to talk to them, felt I had no friends. The feelings of anxiety and loneliness stayed with me into my young adult life, keeping me nervous and reserved. But then I was fortunate to find the people who helped me change—my husband, his wonderful family, the friends I finally made. It was a long process, but I was able to overcome a lot of that tension and feel more normal. I found a place where I belong.
Then I was drawn to the work of teaching classes in a program for jail inmates, which I did for over 20 years. I realized my feelings of being an outsider actually made me better at my job, in some ways. So many people who end up involved in criminal activities have negative feelings about themselves. Unlike me, they don’t always get better life experiences to help them overcome those feelings. They have dealt with poverty, chaotic relationships, and lack of a good basic education. And racism—from what I saw, that is definitely a force in the lives of those who end up doing time in jails and prisons.
My early life experiences, bad as they were, made me a better teacher, maybe a better human being. I sensed this when I was teaching the inmates; that though my experiences were different, though I had not experienced racism, there was a shared human connection between their sorrows and mine. We are all different, but the same. We all need compassion, and by giving it I felt it for myself as well. I’m very grateful I had that job.
❤️❤️❤️