लड़की बोझा होती है .. तू कलंख है (Girl children are a burden, you are a bad omen)..The decibels and voice of the village elder that recited this line to me for breakfast at the crack of dawn every time my eyes fluttered open and I met the day.. The voices still meander my Eustachian tubes and slap the undulating neural pathways of my mind-body complex. I was an unwanted little bundle of flesh and my little body was left in dumpsters , retrieved .. sold. Bought. Traded. I’d run away from “home” every chance I’d get. Running on railways tracks in search of the point of convergence .. perhaps that imaginary point on the zenith has the answers I seek.. Illnesses married me. Tuberculosis , bulimia, heart failure.. I thought, even maa Gaia finds me distasteful, so she leaves me on the surface at the mercy of gravity. I move through my life questioning the weight and burden of my existence.. I fight for every breath .. Because I want to say लड़कियाँ कलंख नहीं है (women are not bad omens ).. Perhaps somewhere down this life traipse I’ll meet the convergence point .. maybe self-love and liberation live there. I can only hope ......
I was in 7th grade, and we had a substitute teacher who was also a neighbor. Our homework was to write a story. After we handed it in she called us up to her desk for individual critique. My substitute teacher told me that I might be a writer some day. She confided that everyone knew about my home and that I could come and visit her. I never did but every time I walked by her house it felt better. I can see the house now decades later.
Things were terrible at home, my new stepmother had rules. No television during the day, no food except at mealtimes. She began hiding food, locking cabinets. I heard my next door neighbor die of a heart attack and his wife scream. The were nice and now her life was different. I rebelled and watch television during the day. My stepmother and her daughter came downstairs and attacked me by hitting my head and pulling my hair. I screamed it was brutal.
From their I left that place as much as I could finding other dwellings. I met people who were kind, saw a therapist who told me it was not my fault- and in my unconscious held on to the words of my substitute teacher--I have knew astrologers, tarot readers, and mediums-but of all my 7th grade teacher and a psychologist were the kindest and most predictive--and taught me never hesitate to spread the kindness beyond the veil.
Thank you so much for sharing this. The fear of recurrence and longing for certainty is so real for me. I’ve actually found my letters from love to myself feel like a bit of a prophesy. Not a guarantee it will never come back, but I will not be alone if it does.
Oct 8, 2023·edited Oct 8, 2023Liked by Suleika Jaouad
I have had times where I've believed I received knowledge about something that was "going" to happen ahead of time, and even in difficult moments, it was comforting and I felt "helped" through it. Mostly these "prophetic" messages happened in dreams. But I also wanted to write about what Suleika wrote about...feeling a sense of your life opening up when you are living in a place where you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop due to health issues. I lost most of my family members at relatively young ages, and so for me, imagining myself during my elder years was hard. Then, to top it off, two brain surgeries means I have to have an MRI of my brain every single year (so far it's been annually since 2007), so I always have this "what if?" thing hanging over my (literal) head. But I read a book that really helped me, "I've Decided to Live 120 Years," by Ilchi Lee. It shifted my perspective in a way that nothing else had. I realized that if I (at 72) "plan" to live to 120, everything about the way I live and work and create changes...it opens up possibilities I never allowed myself to think about. I'm like many of us, a lifelong learner...I love to learn. At 72 I am learning Photoshop and Illustrator in order to create surface patterns for products. It's SO FUN! There are times I wonder whether or not I will live long enough to see a design of mine on a product, but I found it doesn't really matter...I will still try to live my life as if I have at least 48 years left!
"Come into your own light." These powerful words, were spoken by my first love, unrequited though it was...sigh. He was right, and said this to me in 1976. It took me decades to embrace his heartfelt respect and wisdom. I am now free and in my own light.
Prompt:Write about a prophecy you were given, whether a prediction from a psychic or something that a parent, a teacher, or a friend told you about yourself. How has it shaped your life? Being a little girl, my dad once said to me”you remind me of my mother. She was so tall, kind and loving”. Dad was only home on weekends and during the week my mother would have manic moments where she would beat me with a wide brown strap and say to me “ I hate you!” I was not protected from her madness. I grew beautiful, more tall, but when I looked in the mirror I hated myself. I took on my mum’s self hatred. After many painful years of self hatred, I went into many therapies, began meditating, became a Buddhist, learning about kindness to myself and others, and unshackling myself from the belief of self hatred to the depth of my being now understanding I was a beautiful, kind, wise and thoughtful human who was here on earth to do good for others and bring people joy! It took years and years of psychotherapy, trauma therapy, a breakdown that landed me in a mental institution for one month, living two years at a Buddhist Retreat Center, one year of getting off anti psychotic drugs, a soul retrieval to reclaim my soul, and lots and lots of love from some very kind people, until I found the genuine and real Sherri. Thank s community is another place of honesty, caring, love and a place where we can be who we truly are!
I have been to a few psychics over the years but none have predicted anything memorable. My parents and teachers during my school-age years predicted I would be a great success in life because I was smart and active. At graduation from my high school on Long Island, based on grades, athletics and extracurricular activities, I was ranked 19 out of 625 students, more of an embarrassment to me now than something to be proud of because I feel I have not succeeded at anything other than raising my children. When I was young, I loved to write, draw and paint. Those skills were lost over the years and I've yet to fully recover them. My financial circumstances now have me bound up, hands and feet. At least that's how it feels. At age 62, I am working full time and longing to do my art again or to write more. Recently I found some peace with all of this. I was listening to Eckhart Tolle and he said that we spend our lives searching for who we think we are supposed to be, for what we think our passion or purpose in life is. Eckhart states that our purpose presents itself in each day. The only moment is now, and what we are doing in the moment. Doing it fully present and well is our sole purpose. It struck me that I am living my purpose daily with what life presents to me. It changed the way I think about life and I stopped longing for the future when I would be, could be, living the fulfilling life I was "supposed" to. Now I AM living the fulfilling life I am supposed to. For today, I am a nanny, a grandmother, a sister, a wife, a daughter and a mother and those roles are my purpose. I do them well, and I am present every day for each experience that is presented to me. I am more relaxed, more at peace and more fulfilled than I have been for a long time.
Interesting that when given a prompt such as this one, predictions that were made about me, the first thing that comes to mind are all the negatives, things that are difficult to remember, coming as they were from the people in my life who supposedly cared for me.
So instead I like to think of my dear sister-in-law, who told me after my first diagnosis that I was strong, a warrior, that I could overcome the devastation wrought on my mind and body by my cancer treatments.
No one had ever said that to me before. I thought of myself as timid and weak, helpless, no confidence at all, but her love and encouragement helped me change my thinking about myself.
It has been a long road to that realization. I still cave to pessimism at times, but with practice it has gotten easier to think of myself as strong and capable.
It helps that I’ve been in remission for long enough that the bad memories have faded some. Another round of that pain and I may collapse again. But every day there are other new challenges, and I can say with confidence that I’m better at facing them than I used to be.
For my own spiritual reasons I would never visit a psychic. I also don’t watch horror movies. The supernatural and things “unknown” frighten me. I get scared easily so I do what I can to not initiate the fear of turning off my light and jumping into bed so I don’t get snatched by “someone” under my bed :) But when I was in 3rd grade I didn’t have anything to show my class for ‘show and tell’ so I used extra large sheets of craft paper and drew pictures and made lines at the bottom to write the story. I took all the large pages and crafted a cover with butcher paper and stapled the edges of the spine and shared my book with my class. After class my teacher pulled me aside and said she wanted to enroll me in a speed reading class and believed I was going to be a great writer one day. That was the BEST day in my young life. Although I have never written that novel she claimed. At one point in my life I wrote a friends and family update email for five or six years about our life, trials and adventures being the only member to move outside our home state in four generations.
But recently, I wrote a vulnerable newsletter (my first newsletter) to my subscribers about a comment made about my breasts not defining me since mine were being removed. I received hundreds of emails back that they are awaiting my memoir. I felt like I was in 3rd grade again on my happiest day.
Wow thank you for this prompt, encouragement and giving a space to dream..
For reasons unknown to me (at least not yet), some of your recent posts conjure visions and memories of my mother. I just needed to share that.
My response:
Hi Suleika - I see what the prophet sees...
“You always knew. You could see things, even as a child. Don’t scratch with the chickens, Tammy. Soar!” She was weak, and those were her last words to me. Typical of our mother, Dr. Dora Lee Love, she would use a few words layered with meaning and power.
As a child, I didn’t understand my keen awareness of everything happening around me: people, energy, joy, and tension. I was hyper-sensitive and didn’t know what to do with it. It was overwhelming and scary to me.
Over time, I sought to embrace it rather than fear it, to let it be. It is the core of who I am, my most genuine and authentic self. Some see it as a Superpower, others as a curse. For me, it is a continual journey of faith, surrender, and the release of my will.
My life’s path is full of vulnerable and wondrous encounters of sacred spaces with people and the divine. I love. I can't help it. I scratch with the chickens when I try to be anything else.
Our dear mother’s final words to me called me to be free.🕊️
As a child, I was often told how stupid I was. I believed it throughout the child and teen years, until one of my English teachers kept me after class to tell me I didn’t belong in his class. He went on to say I was too smart and I belonged in a college prep English class. I finished my course of vocational classes in high school and a year out of high school, applied to a college. I was accepted and much later completed my Bachelor’s and and my Master’s degree. Words matter💗
I love every single Sunday missive but this one for whatever reason really gripped me. Maybe it's the possibility demonstrated of living a life less dominated by fear. "I began to trust that I could handle whatever came my way," Suleika writes so beautifully. Thank you for this gorgeous Sunday installment, the introduction to Brook Siem and the Hilma af Klimt painting <= oh how I love her!
I’m in my late 40s, but still remember getting chastised by my mom in high school for “not doing my best”. I got As and Bs, played sports, participated in student council, played in the band. I went to a tiny school, so doing all of the things was an option and I took full advantage. But I didn’t get straight As, something I think my mom thought I was capable of (I don’t recall my dad having any opinions about any of this, interestingly). We didn’t have much money and I knew I was going to community college for a few years before transferring to a four-year school. My grades were good enough I thought.
Recently, I learned I’m autistic and have ADHD. With that knowledge, I have completely reframed my high school experience. It feels like a miracle that my grades were as good as they were, all things considered. Having an undiagnosed disability helps me reframe any feelings I have about “not doing my best”. (To be clear, my mom only wanted what’s best for me and as she and my dad didn’t go to college, she knew that good grades and furthering my education would be my ticket to a better life. She wasn’t wrong, broadly speaking.)
Good morning from Colorado. I believe psychics and astrologists are dangerous , so I have stayed away from them. My mother always told me that I was an accident and not supposed to be born. My father also died when I was 15 years old. But 65 years ago no one thought of taking medicines or going to psychiatrists etc. to help us. We barely could put food on the table. So we just mourned and then went on with life. Although it made me cry when my mom told me those words, my little heart and soul knew she was wrong. When I was in my 50's , I began learning the Bible the only true prophesy, and learned that every human was planned and had a purpose in this great universe that God made. Since then, I have been healed of all my emotional and mental pain, and have kept reasonably healthy except for the natural aches of growing old. Yes, WORDS are very important. They can make us or break us. Since then i have made sure that I prophesy and exhort all good things to every one that i come in contact with. That's what i have learned.
लड़की बोझा होती है .. तू कलंख है (Girl children are a burden, you are a bad omen)..The decibels and voice of the village elder that recited this line to me for breakfast at the crack of dawn every time my eyes fluttered open and I met the day.. The voices still meander my Eustachian tubes and slap the undulating neural pathways of my mind-body complex. I was an unwanted little bundle of flesh and my little body was left in dumpsters , retrieved .. sold. Bought. Traded. I’d run away from “home” every chance I’d get. Running on railways tracks in search of the point of convergence .. perhaps that imaginary point on the zenith has the answers I seek.. Illnesses married me. Tuberculosis , bulimia, heart failure.. I thought, even maa Gaia finds me distasteful, so she leaves me on the surface at the mercy of gravity. I move through my life questioning the weight and burden of my existence.. I fight for every breath .. Because I want to say लड़कियाँ कलंख नहीं है (women are not bad omens ).. Perhaps somewhere down this life traipse I’ll meet the convergence point .. maybe self-love and liberation live there. I can only hope ......
I love psychic stories. Thank you for sharing this with us. Is it possible that the two children he saw are your four legged babies? ❤️
I was in 7th grade, and we had a substitute teacher who was also a neighbor. Our homework was to write a story. After we handed it in she called us up to her desk for individual critique. My substitute teacher told me that I might be a writer some day. She confided that everyone knew about my home and that I could come and visit her. I never did but every time I walked by her house it felt better. I can see the house now decades later.
Things were terrible at home, my new stepmother had rules. No television during the day, no food except at mealtimes. She began hiding food, locking cabinets. I heard my next door neighbor die of a heart attack and his wife scream. The were nice and now her life was different. I rebelled and watch television during the day. My stepmother and her daughter came downstairs and attacked me by hitting my head and pulling my hair. I screamed it was brutal.
From their I left that place as much as I could finding other dwellings. I met people who were kind, saw a therapist who told me it was not my fault- and in my unconscious held on to the words of my substitute teacher--I have knew astrologers, tarot readers, and mediums-but of all my 7th grade teacher and a psychologist were the kindest and most predictive--and taught me never hesitate to spread the kindness beyond the veil.
Thank you so much for sharing this. The fear of recurrence and longing for certainty is so real for me. I’ve actually found my letters from love to myself feel like a bit of a prophesy. Not a guarantee it will never come back, but I will not be alone if it does.
I have had times where I've believed I received knowledge about something that was "going" to happen ahead of time, and even in difficult moments, it was comforting and I felt "helped" through it. Mostly these "prophetic" messages happened in dreams. But I also wanted to write about what Suleika wrote about...feeling a sense of your life opening up when you are living in a place where you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop due to health issues. I lost most of my family members at relatively young ages, and so for me, imagining myself during my elder years was hard. Then, to top it off, two brain surgeries means I have to have an MRI of my brain every single year (so far it's been annually since 2007), so I always have this "what if?" thing hanging over my (literal) head. But I read a book that really helped me, "I've Decided to Live 120 Years," by Ilchi Lee. It shifted my perspective in a way that nothing else had. I realized that if I (at 72) "plan" to live to 120, everything about the way I live and work and create changes...it opens up possibilities I never allowed myself to think about. I'm like many of us, a lifelong learner...I love to learn. At 72 I am learning Photoshop and Illustrator in order to create surface patterns for products. It's SO FUN! There are times I wonder whether or not I will live long enough to see a design of mine on a product, but I found it doesn't really matter...I will still try to live my life as if I have at least 48 years left!
"Come into your own light." These powerful words, were spoken by my first love, unrequited though it was...sigh. He was right, and said this to me in 1976. It took me decades to embrace his heartfelt respect and wisdom. I am now free and in my own light.
Prompt:Write about a prophecy you were given, whether a prediction from a psychic or something that a parent, a teacher, or a friend told you about yourself. How has it shaped your life? Being a little girl, my dad once said to me”you remind me of my mother. She was so tall, kind and loving”. Dad was only home on weekends and during the week my mother would have manic moments where she would beat me with a wide brown strap and say to me “ I hate you!” I was not protected from her madness. I grew beautiful, more tall, but when I looked in the mirror I hated myself. I took on my mum’s self hatred. After many painful years of self hatred, I went into many therapies, began meditating, became a Buddhist, learning about kindness to myself and others, and unshackling myself from the belief of self hatred to the depth of my being now understanding I was a beautiful, kind, wise and thoughtful human who was here on earth to do good for others and bring people joy! It took years and years of psychotherapy, trauma therapy, a breakdown that landed me in a mental institution for one month, living two years at a Buddhist Retreat Center, one year of getting off anti psychotic drugs, a soul retrieval to reclaim my soul, and lots and lots of love from some very kind people, until I found the genuine and real Sherri. Thank s community is another place of honesty, caring, love and a place where we can be who we truly are!
I have been to a few psychics over the years but none have predicted anything memorable. My parents and teachers during my school-age years predicted I would be a great success in life because I was smart and active. At graduation from my high school on Long Island, based on grades, athletics and extracurricular activities, I was ranked 19 out of 625 students, more of an embarrassment to me now than something to be proud of because I feel I have not succeeded at anything other than raising my children. When I was young, I loved to write, draw and paint. Those skills were lost over the years and I've yet to fully recover them. My financial circumstances now have me bound up, hands and feet. At least that's how it feels. At age 62, I am working full time and longing to do my art again or to write more. Recently I found some peace with all of this. I was listening to Eckhart Tolle and he said that we spend our lives searching for who we think we are supposed to be, for what we think our passion or purpose in life is. Eckhart states that our purpose presents itself in each day. The only moment is now, and what we are doing in the moment. Doing it fully present and well is our sole purpose. It struck me that I am living my purpose daily with what life presents to me. It changed the way I think about life and I stopped longing for the future when I would be, could be, living the fulfilling life I was "supposed" to. Now I AM living the fulfilling life I am supposed to. For today, I am a nanny, a grandmother, a sister, a wife, a daughter and a mother and those roles are my purpose. I do them well, and I am present every day for each experience that is presented to me. I am more relaxed, more at peace and more fulfilled than I have been for a long time.
Interesting that when given a prompt such as this one, predictions that were made about me, the first thing that comes to mind are all the negatives, things that are difficult to remember, coming as they were from the people in my life who supposedly cared for me.
So instead I like to think of my dear sister-in-law, who told me after my first diagnosis that I was strong, a warrior, that I could overcome the devastation wrought on my mind and body by my cancer treatments.
No one had ever said that to me before. I thought of myself as timid and weak, helpless, no confidence at all, but her love and encouragement helped me change my thinking about myself.
It has been a long road to that realization. I still cave to pessimism at times, but with practice it has gotten easier to think of myself as strong and capable.
It helps that I’ve been in remission for long enough that the bad memories have faded some. Another round of that pain and I may collapse again. But every day there are other new challenges, and I can say with confidence that I’m better at facing them than I used to be.
Thank you dear sister-in-law.
For my own spiritual reasons I would never visit a psychic. I also don’t watch horror movies. The supernatural and things “unknown” frighten me. I get scared easily so I do what I can to not initiate the fear of turning off my light and jumping into bed so I don’t get snatched by “someone” under my bed :) But when I was in 3rd grade I didn’t have anything to show my class for ‘show and tell’ so I used extra large sheets of craft paper and drew pictures and made lines at the bottom to write the story. I took all the large pages and crafted a cover with butcher paper and stapled the edges of the spine and shared my book with my class. After class my teacher pulled me aside and said she wanted to enroll me in a speed reading class and believed I was going to be a great writer one day. That was the BEST day in my young life. Although I have never written that novel she claimed. At one point in my life I wrote a friends and family update email for five or six years about our life, trials and adventures being the only member to move outside our home state in four generations.
But recently, I wrote a vulnerable newsletter (my first newsletter) to my subscribers about a comment made about my breasts not defining me since mine were being removed. I received hundreds of emails back that they are awaiting my memoir. I felt like I was in 3rd grade again on my happiest day.
Wow thank you for this prompt, encouragement and giving a space to dream..
For reasons unknown to me (at least not yet), some of your recent posts conjure visions and memories of my mother. I just needed to share that.
My response:
Hi Suleika - I see what the prophet sees...
“You always knew. You could see things, even as a child. Don’t scratch with the chickens, Tammy. Soar!” She was weak, and those were her last words to me. Typical of our mother, Dr. Dora Lee Love, she would use a few words layered with meaning and power.
As a child, I didn’t understand my keen awareness of everything happening around me: people, energy, joy, and tension. I was hyper-sensitive and didn’t know what to do with it. It was overwhelming and scary to me.
Over time, I sought to embrace it rather than fear it, to let it be. It is the core of who I am, my most genuine and authentic self. Some see it as a Superpower, others as a curse. For me, it is a continual journey of faith, surrender, and the release of my will.
My life’s path is full of vulnerable and wondrous encounters of sacred spaces with people and the divine. I love. I can't help it. I scratch with the chickens when I try to be anything else.
Our dear mother’s final words to me called me to be free.🕊️
This was incredibly helpful to me as I have a chronic, progressive illness with no cure. Your words are a lifeline tethered to a buoy. Thank you ❤️
As a child, I was often told how stupid I was. I believed it throughout the child and teen years, until one of my English teachers kept me after class to tell me I didn’t belong in his class. He went on to say I was too smart and I belonged in a college prep English class. I finished my course of vocational classes in high school and a year out of high school, applied to a college. I was accepted and much later completed my Bachelor’s and and my Master’s degree. Words matter💗
I love every single Sunday missive but this one for whatever reason really gripped me. Maybe it's the possibility demonstrated of living a life less dominated by fear. "I began to trust that I could handle whatever came my way," Suleika writes so beautifully. Thank you for this gorgeous Sunday installment, the introduction to Brook Siem and the Hilma af Klimt painting <= oh how I love her!
I’m in my late 40s, but still remember getting chastised by my mom in high school for “not doing my best”. I got As and Bs, played sports, participated in student council, played in the band. I went to a tiny school, so doing all of the things was an option and I took full advantage. But I didn’t get straight As, something I think my mom thought I was capable of (I don’t recall my dad having any opinions about any of this, interestingly). We didn’t have much money and I knew I was going to community college for a few years before transferring to a four-year school. My grades were good enough I thought.
Recently, I learned I’m autistic and have ADHD. With that knowledge, I have completely reframed my high school experience. It feels like a miracle that my grades were as good as they were, all things considered. Having an undiagnosed disability helps me reframe any feelings I have about “not doing my best”. (To be clear, my mom only wanted what’s best for me and as she and my dad didn’t go to college, she knew that good grades and furthering my education would be my ticket to a better life. She wasn’t wrong, broadly speaking.)
Good morning from Colorado. I believe psychics and astrologists are dangerous , so I have stayed away from them. My mother always told me that I was an accident and not supposed to be born. My father also died when I was 15 years old. But 65 years ago no one thought of taking medicines or going to psychiatrists etc. to help us. We barely could put food on the table. So we just mourned and then went on with life. Although it made me cry when my mom told me those words, my little heart and soul knew she was wrong. When I was in my 50's , I began learning the Bible the only true prophesy, and learned that every human was planned and had a purpose in this great universe that God made. Since then, I have been healed of all my emotional and mental pain, and have kept reasonably healthy except for the natural aches of growing old. Yes, WORDS are very important. They can make us or break us. Since then i have made sure that I prophesy and exhort all good things to every one that i come in contact with. That's what i have learned.