Love all the advice for Calvin and love that Nadia is your shame shepherd. I’d offer to Calvin that one of the biggest benefits I found in a sitting/meditation practice - is courage to let go of shame. I’m not sure why but I never had the courage to write or lead, speak up in meetings. I never had the courage to authentically use my voice until I was able to sit quietly and listen to my voice and befriend it. Most of the time those voices we’re ashamed of aren’t even ours. ❤️
Dearest Suleika...I know you may never understand the unexpected impact you are having on us. So I wanted to let you know...I recently found out that one of my dearest long-term colleagues is hospitalized overseas with pancreatic cancer, and spends too much time alone hooked up to chemo. He is an avid writer of poetry and I could see something dark and sad was being expressed in the poems he's been recently posting. So I reached out to him via FB. I learned that he is writing poetry and stories to get through this, and has been writing his life story and poetry or his family. He then asked me if I could be interested in helping him edit them. I feel so privileged to be able to help my dear friend, and through this process we are communicating regularly via Facebook giving me a vehicle to encourage him and cheer him up a bit from time to time, even though I am far away. So thank you for giving me the confidence to support my dear friend during this difficult time. It is a blessing to me to be able to help him. Much love always.
Oh, Mary Ann—this reminds me of what my brother said about how hard it is for loved ones when they don't have a clear role. What a beautiful way to be there for your friend, what a comfort for both of you.
Thank you both for sharing this. Nadia sounds like a wonderful influence. Susu, you are that beacon of “deep allowing” for so many of us on TIJ. It’s because of your own vulnerability that you’ve shared that many of us have followed. This openness has afforded us close friends and a trusting community.
Please, Calvin, write! You are very talented. We all have shame, dark parts of our thoughts, actions or even times when we were victimized that we bury, cover and don’t even want to peek at.
You are not alone. I was taught, from a very young age, “shame on you.”
It was repeated for the smallest infractions. Unworthiness was my companion, my inner voice. It drove my life choices in some very poor directions.
However, I did the exhausting job of keeping the facade of perfection. Perfectly healthy-pretend, perfect marriage-pretend. Perfect kids-pretend. All of it was like some TV show into which I was cast.
So don’t believe everything that you see. You are not bad, your stories are important. You are worthy and we need to hear your unique voice! Write on, friend.
Ugh, Marcy, I had an immediate and visceral response reading "shame on you." I heard that too many times from my mom. So much damage there. Love you, sister.
Oh, I believe you. The way you said it made me laugh - short and sweet, to the point, and I think most people not familiar with that period of time would/could not relate.
Everything you wrote resonates so deeply. The “shame on you” comments from my grandmother and mother started when I was young too. The feelings of unworthiness birthed my perfectionism, which became the noose around my neck. Journaling, writing and sharing my own story allowed me to rewrite everything I had come to believe about my life. Thanks for sharing Marcy.
Thank you for replying to Calvin and sharing your response with us. I am 64 and still, at times, feel shame for things I did when I was 18. I can learn or I am learning to let go of my shame. My dogs help with this. They truly seem to live in the moment. Chasing squirrels in the backyard. Energetically greeting me when I enter the front door. Going on long walks. They may at times do things I don't like, pee in the basement, etc. But with my forgiveness they are free to embrace and move on with their lives. I was never granted forgiveness for my mistakes, but I can, at this point in time, give it, in hopes that I too, can embrace, with joy, the simple pleasures that are now a part of my life.
Suleika, thank you for this gorgeous response to Calvin's letter. I'm grateful to Calvin, too, for writing to you and sharing so vulnerably. I find myself coming back to Nadia's (I think it was Nadia's) statement that sunlight is disinfectant. And agree that sometimes it's necessary to pause, ground yourself, and get present when writing about painful events and emotions causes a trauma response. I've experienced that and had to take a walk in fresh air. Still, I'm grateful for the ability to write and through writing, explore, process, and find deeper meaning in the events that got me to this point. Thanks, too, for the starter kit list.
Thank you, Suleika. Much love to you. Thank you for “waking me up” with your intelligent word flow, your credible curiosity, your cozy compassion and deep love for we humans and fellow Earth creatures who share with us this challenging, yet life affirming existence.
It is so helpful to hear a discussion of the complexity of life instead of unhelpful platitudes( e.g. “snap out of it!”). I am very intrigued by Calvin’s story. He is on the cusp of understanding that it would be fascinating and valuable to read and that excites me, the reader.
"I’ve been too ashamed and embarrassed to write about my upbringing."
This is so universal. I think this is the point at which his readers will connect to him. I can't, offhand, think of anyone who hasn't felt that sometime.
What a profound, insightful, uplifting newsletter in every way. You have touched every reader's life, including this one's. I became aware of Nadia at least a decade ago when she came to our Lutheran church to preach; it was fantastic! And do the youth love her! Can't wait to share this with friends. Thank you for the gift of your caring for us and others so that they may do the same.
Oh God, I hate to do this but. The backpack I carried in my earlier years was maxxed out with a massive amount of resentment, guilt, shame etc. I began to grow and move forward when the day arrived that it was time to start reaching into that backpack and start individually pulling out each item, looking, poking, slapping, tossing - dealing. My favorite items that NEVER went back in the pack was forgiving those who were only doing the best they could. (Learned behaviors) and my weirdest that I practice to this day is................. - oh shit - I'm in trouble now...............Guilt is optional. The freedom to do whatever you want is just on the other side of that door that you are in control of, just open it...............
Suleika--Do you realize what a gift you are? I have never commented on anything before because I don't feel that I have the eloquence of others. Nadia Bolz-Webber is also a favorite of mine. Shame is a tough subject to tackle, but this is a wonderful reflection on what it entails. Thank you for sharing Calvin's story.
Super powerful question from Calvin and super powerful answer from you, Susu. Two people helped me get into the "meat" of me. My Developmental Editor said, "Ban the censor" and in her book, Old Friend from Far Away, Natalie Goldberg's writing exercises assisted me in doing this. May Calvin find pen to paper, as it sounds like he has many important things to say.
I have no words, at the outset. Suleika, your response is monumental. This is a form of conveying forgiveness. It says you are always valued, loved, even if you are the prodigal son. It also says that taking life too seriously can be fatal. The journey is like a ball in the pin-ball machine. A few whacks while bouncing down the path, finally being gobbled by the black hole at the end - yet, resurrected by popping up for another go at it. This is like an iterative convergence toward a solution in math.
God bless you Suleika for listening to Calvin, helping him sort out a few things, and giving him resources to explore on his awakening journey.
Calvin, I would encourage you to write your memoir if only for you to read, and, most likely grow in ways that you may not even fathom. I strongly believe that EVERYONE'S story is important no matter what one's journeys in life have been. And, if you do share your story with others to read I would be in line to purchase your memoir. I send you best wishes.
Love all the advice for Calvin and love that Nadia is your shame shepherd. I’d offer to Calvin that one of the biggest benefits I found in a sitting/meditation practice - is courage to let go of shame. I’m not sure why but I never had the courage to write or lead, speak up in meetings. I never had the courage to authentically use my voice until I was able to sit quietly and listen to my voice and befriend it. Most of the time those voices we’re ashamed of aren’t even ours. ❤️
Such a brilliant insight—"those voices we're ashamed of aren't even ours" ♥️
Dearest Suleika...I know you may never understand the unexpected impact you are having on us. So I wanted to let you know...I recently found out that one of my dearest long-term colleagues is hospitalized overseas with pancreatic cancer, and spends too much time alone hooked up to chemo. He is an avid writer of poetry and I could see something dark and sad was being expressed in the poems he's been recently posting. So I reached out to him via FB. I learned that he is writing poetry and stories to get through this, and has been writing his life story and poetry or his family. He then asked me if I could be interested in helping him edit them. I feel so privileged to be able to help my dear friend, and through this process we are communicating regularly via Facebook giving me a vehicle to encourage him and cheer him up a bit from time to time, even though I am far away. So thank you for giving me the confidence to support my dear friend during this difficult time. It is a blessing to me to be able to help him. Much love always.
Oh, Mary Ann—this reminds me of what my brother said about how hard it is for loved ones when they don't have a clear role. What a beautiful way to be there for your friend, what a comfort for both of you.
Thank you both for sharing this. Nadia sounds like a wonderful influence. Susu, you are that beacon of “deep allowing” for so many of us on TIJ. It’s because of your own vulnerability that you’ve shared that many of us have followed. This openness has afforded us close friends and a trusting community.
Please, Calvin, write! You are very talented. We all have shame, dark parts of our thoughts, actions or even times when we were victimized that we bury, cover and don’t even want to peek at.
You are not alone. I was taught, from a very young age, “shame on you.”
It was repeated for the smallest infractions. Unworthiness was my companion, my inner voice. It drove my life choices in some very poor directions.
However, I did the exhausting job of keeping the facade of perfection. Perfectly healthy-pretend, perfect marriage-pretend. Perfect kids-pretend. All of it was like some TV show into which I was cast.
So don’t believe everything that you see. You are not bad, your stories are important. You are worthy and we need to hear your unique voice! Write on, friend.
Ugh, Marcy, I had an immediate and visceral response reading "shame on you." I heard that too many times from my mom. So much damage there. Love you, sister.
Ha! I never heard that. I was just whacked to the floor!!
That too & the backhand, all of it. The Greatest Generation!
You are funny.
No, it’s true, PTSD poster boy father! And 3 disturbed older sibs.
Oh, I believe you. The way you said it made me laugh - short and sweet, to the point, and I think most people not familiar with that period of time would/could not relate.
Shivers ! That resounding “Shame on You” scarred me for life. :(
Everything you wrote resonates so deeply. The “shame on you” comments from my grandmother and mother started when I was young too. The feelings of unworthiness birthed my perfectionism, which became the noose around my neck. Journaling, writing and sharing my own story allowed me to rewrite everything I had come to believe about my life. Thanks for sharing Marcy.
Thank you for your sharing your healing via journaling with me.
Perfectionism is a huge albatross to bear. I’m glad you believe in yourself now, Lisa!
Thank you for replying to Calvin and sharing your response with us. I am 64 and still, at times, feel shame for things I did when I was 18. I can learn or I am learning to let go of my shame. My dogs help with this. They truly seem to live in the moment. Chasing squirrels in the backyard. Energetically greeting me when I enter the front door. Going on long walks. They may at times do things I don't like, pee in the basement, etc. But with my forgiveness they are free to embrace and move on with their lives. I was never granted forgiveness for my mistakes, but I can, at this point in time, give it, in hopes that I too, can embrace, with joy, the simple pleasures that are now a part of my life.
Dogs are the absolute best teachers ♥️♥️♥️
Suleika, thank you for five years of therapy in one letter. Calvin, sending you love and blessings.
Suleika, thank you for this gorgeous response to Calvin's letter. I'm grateful to Calvin, too, for writing to you and sharing so vulnerably. I find myself coming back to Nadia's (I think it was Nadia's) statement that sunlight is disinfectant. And agree that sometimes it's necessary to pause, ground yourself, and get present when writing about painful events and emotions causes a trauma response. I've experienced that and had to take a walk in fresh air. Still, I'm grateful for the ability to write and through writing, explore, process, and find deeper meaning in the events that got me to this point. Thanks, too, for the starter kit list.
"Sunlight is disinfectant"—a forever favorite ♥️
Susu- like Quin, Calvin is now a part of the TIJ community consciousness. We already care. We want to hear his story if he wants to share it with us.
Beautifully put. You are a treasure, Pat ♥️
Thank you, Suleika. Much love to you. Thank you for “waking me up” with your intelligent word flow, your credible curiosity, your cozy compassion and deep love for we humans and fellow Earth creatures who share with us this challenging, yet life affirming existence.
It is so helpful to hear a discussion of the complexity of life instead of unhelpful platitudes( e.g. “snap out of it!”). I am very intrigued by Calvin’s story. He is on the cusp of understanding that it would be fascinating and valuable to read and that excites me, the reader.
"On the cusp of understanding"—love this term, and I agree, it's such a fascinating place, so fertile for growth and insight!
"I’ve been too ashamed and embarrassed to write about my upbringing."
This is so universal. I think this is the point at which his readers will connect to him. I can't, offhand, think of anyone who hasn't felt that sometime.
What a profound, insightful, uplifting newsletter in every way. You have touched every reader's life, including this one's. I became aware of Nadia at least a decade ago when she came to our Lutheran church to preach; it was fantastic! And do the youth love her! Can't wait to share this with friends. Thank you for the gift of your caring for us and others so that they may do the same.
What a joy you got to hear her preach! She's so brilliant. Sending love ♥️
I love that you called-in Quentin to this space and that you sent Calvin all those resources. Your generosity touches me.
Oh God, I hate to do this but. The backpack I carried in my earlier years was maxxed out with a massive amount of resentment, guilt, shame etc. I began to grow and move forward when the day arrived that it was time to start reaching into that backpack and start individually pulling out each item, looking, poking, slapping, tossing - dealing. My favorite items that NEVER went back in the pack was forgiving those who were only doing the best they could. (Learned behaviors) and my weirdest that I practice to this day is................. - oh shit - I'm in trouble now...............Guilt is optional. The freedom to do whatever you want is just on the other side of that door that you are in control of, just open it...............
So wise ♥️
Love this, angel man!
Suleika--Do you realize what a gift you are? I have never commented on anything before because I don't feel that I have the eloquence of others. Nadia Bolz-Webber is also a favorite of mine. Shame is a tough subject to tackle, but this is a wonderful reflection on what it entails. Thank you for sharing Calvin's story.
Super powerful question from Calvin and super powerful answer from you, Susu. Two people helped me get into the "meat" of me. My Developmental Editor said, "Ban the censor" and in her book, Old Friend from Far Away, Natalie Goldberg's writing exercises assisted me in doing this. May Calvin find pen to paper, as it sounds like he has many important things to say.
Ban the censor—yes!
I have no words, at the outset. Suleika, your response is monumental. This is a form of conveying forgiveness. It says you are always valued, loved, even if you are the prodigal son. It also says that taking life too seriously can be fatal. The journey is like a ball in the pin-ball machine. A few whacks while bouncing down the path, finally being gobbled by the black hole at the end - yet, resurrected by popping up for another go at it. This is like an iterative convergence toward a solution in math.
God bless you Suleika for listening to Calvin, helping him sort out a few things, and giving him resources to explore on his awakening journey.
What an absolutely gorgeous dialogue.....and Calvin's Starter Kit...Magnificent!
thank you for this gift!
love and gratitude
janet
Calvin, I would encourage you to write your memoir if only for you to read, and, most likely grow in ways that you may not even fathom. I strongly believe that EVERYONE'S story is important no matter what one's journeys in life have been. And, if you do share your story with others to read I would be in line to purchase your memoir. I send you best wishes.