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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley

I got married at the naive age of 21, and had 2 boys within the 10 years I was married. After 8 years I realized our marriage was a huge mistake. I made the decision to go into therapy and the therapist guided me and we worked together on why I needed to leave and how I would leave with our 2 sons. I was terrified about leaving and the responsibility of our two sons, and the guilt i felt of me and my sons leaving their dad. I knew their dad would not fight me on custody because he was hardly ever home, and clearly showed he wasn’t interested in his family. I was a stay at home mum, so now I needed a part time job, and to find a place to live, and to get things in my own name, like credit cards, a bank account, and learn how to pay bills. I had no power and I had to learn how to get it! On the day my soon to be ex left, I heard him crying in the hallway. It was the only bit of humanity I’d heard from him in all the time we’d been together. At that point, I was sad, in my own pain, but resolute that I was going to make a better life for my children. I found freedom and the strength and courage to create a better life for myself and two sons.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Carmen Radley

A most intriguing prompt - I realize that since my husband's death early this year, I both fear and dread all kinds of hurdles; from filing taxes, emergency plumbing catastrophes, traveling solo, tough conversations - but somehow just showing up is the hardest part. Nothing is as bad as I envision and there's a sweet release in just rolling with the circumstance however it presents itself and whatever form it takes. I can be my own worst enemy and often struggle to get out of my own way.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley

Since I left his dad 22 years ago my youngest son has had little to do with me. I have tried to keep some communication open so I could meet my 3 grandchildren. An opportunity came up so I took a chance to see if my son would let me drop off a box of mementos from my Dad's estate for my Grandchildren (My son had asked me to find some things for his kids from their great-grandfather). My husband and I were traveling across country to Florida in our RV and would be close by my son's house. I was nervous about the visit up to the time I walked up to the door. My son was not particularly welcoming but he did provide space for me to spend 2 1/2 hours playing with my three grandchildren. It was a wonderful visit with them and my DIL who I hardly knew. I have been sending small packages to the kids and just recently had a facetime with everyone but my son. Although I'm keeping my expectations low, I'm grateful that taking that risk has opened a door and, hopefully, a new beginning.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley

Thank you again for helping me shift my own perspective on what I ”should” and “shouldn’t” be able to do in my current physical state. I love how you describe painting inch by inch. Yesterday I could only write an inch because I was so exhausted after a new medication they have me on wiped me right out, clean through and through. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a pediatric PICC Line insertion and already, like you mentioned, I am wondering how am I going to get everything else I like to schedule done? And the reality is, I don’t. I do what I can and then leave the rest for another time, another day. If I forget about it, oh well, and if I need to modify plans with people by just having them sit with me while I receive treatments that is ok too because being in their presence is healing in and of itself and there are no expectations. I will carry that mantra with me today “bird by bird, inch by inch” and my soul sister is going to get me another copy of that book because I gave mine away as I do all of my fave’s.

One day I hope to meet you and give you the biggest hug Susu. You bring me back to the self I keep straying from and each time I read your words, I come home to myself. It is such a gift that I want to thank you in person for. You are one of my top role models and I aspire to write and live my life akin to how you have learned to through some hard but very valuable lessons. You do so much for this world and for me and my corner of the world and I am so grateful to you and this community of incredible beings.

Much love and gratitude to you this Sunday morning 🙏

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So, about 12 years ago I died four times. I had sepsis from pneumonia and was in a medically induced coma for two months on a ventilator. The thing is, I could hear people around me talking at certain times. I heard them repeatedly say I would be better off dead or that if I lived, I would be in a home for the rest of my life. My husband and two daughters knew better and demanded they keep treating me. When they finally let me wake up, I felt an anger I had never felt before. How ever, I had a trach and literally could not talk or move. I had to find a way to vent my anger at the doctors a way to prove how very wrong they were. I threw myself into trying to relearn how to do everything. They said I would leave the rehab hospital in a wheelchair. Or have to go into care. I discovered how hard it was to come back to life, yet how much easier it was than what they told me. I not only walked out of there after a month and a 7 hour surgery to scrape a massive infection called an empyema off my lung, but I was there to help my husband through a terminal cancer diagnosis and hold my three granddaughters at birth. I am incredibly lucky. I was left with badly damaged lungs and crumbling bones from medication, but I wake up knowing the worst was not as bad as I was told, and each new day brings a joy that I literally can touch in my soul, no matter the limitations my body demands.

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My family had rejected me when I chose a woman as my wonderful wife. My mother who suffered dementia was in memory care. I literally had to sneak in to see her as she had been cut off from me. I kept flying in to visit her regularly. I so dreaded the time when she would die....how could this possibly be peaceful with my family with whom I had no relationship? 4 weeks ago the time came. Mom was dying. My sister messaged me the news. I flew in the next day. My family and I worked together to tenderly care for my mother in a peaceful way for 5 days. Everyone seemed to lay down their weapons for time being. I held my mom as she peacefully died. I then flew home with joy knowing we had given Mom love together. Nothing is different with my family. My wife and i are still rejected. However, a miracle took place for 5 days and God's work was done and peace happened.

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founding
Aug 28, 2022Liked by Carmen Radley

What a perfect prompt and what inspiring stories, Suleika and Holly. Thank you for sharing. These days, I dread all sorts of social interactions, including writing updates in my Caring Bridge journal. As I examine my emotions around social exchanges, I see a powerful urge to entertain my friends and loved ones - to be the fun, funny, enthusiastic element at every gathering. Since my cancer diagnosis, it's not so easy to show up this way. Like a favorite dress I've outgrown but can't bring myself to discard, Elizabeth the Entertainer doesn't fit me anymore. I don't want to be Elizabeth the Sad & Depressed, so I struggle with the very idea of showing up. I imagine I will let others down if I'm not my old self, and they won't want to be with me.

A few weeks ago, I pushed myself out the door to attend a summer social with my women's network, followed by a sleepover in the city with dear friends. I left the wig behind. I didn't even wear a head wrap. I just sported my G.I. Jane buzzcut and went. You know what? It was okay. The conversations were more raw, more real, more connected. Different, but good. Less like a wild party, more like a gentle hug. Now I am going to update my Caring Bridge journal. I wanted to give everyone great news - something to celebrate - but that's not what I have to offer, so I will simply offer my truth instead. I can do this.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley

It is 4:30 here in Denver Co still dark on a Sunday A M . i'm thinking of the day of the funeral of my brother that i had to travel 300 miles to attend. i went with one of my sons and my brother's daughter. I dreaded the very thought of it. He had been a mean , distant, non caring brother who struggled with alcohol and drug abuse and pornography all his life. But when he was dying of bladder cancer the week before i traveled up to the mountains , though he was on morphine and did not know i was there , i talked to him and forgave him. So on that day at his memorial , i read his eulogy that he had written himself that sounded like a who's who eulogy of a great person though I knew the hidden facts. But in doing so and realizing the good that he had done amidst the horrible it helped make a dreaded day into a day of shifting my expectations from dread to acceptance

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Suleika Jaouad

Yummy! Just the reframe I need. I'm going to DANCE within my circumstances. I've had 2 hip replacements due to dysplasia (woof!) and have titanium hips with lifetime movement limits to reduce the risk of dislocation. It means not being able to move in ways I used to. I'd already scheduled my return to the studio at an adult contemporary class for mid-Sept and was navigating some anticipatory shame about my need for adaptive transitions and movements, not being as 'good' as I used to be. Owning this mantra and tapping into the collective energy of others touched by it will give me so much support. May the beauty that comes from the aliveness and joy of dancing within my circumstances ripple out and nourish anyone else exploring their relationship with circumstances. Circumdances.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley

You read my mind. I’ve been dealing with two “battle “fronts, one on the relationship level and the other on health. The latter seems to be going well as I’m in remission following a transplant two years ago. There are no guarantees in this cancer business. You’re as good as you are at the present moment. I’ll take it. The more problematic one is my relationship with my only child who will turn 40 in a few weeks. Don’t know exactly what happened but our relationship has undergone a radical change from a close mother/daughter connection to aloof and distant relationship. What has cushioned the pain of disappointment and hurt is a change in expectation. Within the last 7 yrs she got married, moved into a big house and gave birth to two boys. Our relationship had to change and with it a change in expectation. I once said “I love you” to her after each phone call. I am lucky to say “I love you” to my grandsons.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt

Suleika I think you are the queen maestra of managing shifting expectations . I am glad you went for the weekend with your friends. And the painting is profoundly moving and beautiful.

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Aug 28, 2022·edited Aug 28, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt

I love and respect my little dog. She weights about 2 pounds and was rescued freezing in a car by a member of the Philadelphia Police. Mommy Mayhem, has been the bravest, most independent companion since she came home in 2011. Always a picky eater, this summer her food was delayed in Canada. I bought all kinds of goodies- but her she nibbled. I worried she would not make it, and thought of Laps of Love. Then the food arrived and she gobbled in delight. I had underestimated her spirit..she always humbles me.

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Almost on a whim, I started an online doctorate program. It’s not like I don’t have enough to do. I have a high ranking full time job, am the primary breadwinner in the family, I have a side gig, and we have a son and a lot of animals. It was maybe not the best idea, but also maybe it was.

Every time I have a major paper due I dread the overwhelming amount of work I imagine it to be. I put off even starting on it. I’d much rather work on another project. Restore my motorcycle, crochet a doll, macrame some planters, illustrate a family sketchbook- and wasn’t I going to hand make some napkins? Surely we need some those quilted napkins. That’s pretty pressing, right? What are we supposed to do, use the napkins we already have?

But then my paper is due tomorrow night, so I am forced to buckle down. And it’s not so bad. I stare off while I’m procrastinating and an outline hits me. Then I drop the research from my annotated bibliography into the bullet points and I’ve already filled half of the required pages. And by then I’m regretting that I hadn’t done this last week because it’s not so bad. It’s a lot like dreading weeding a garden or cleaning my house. If only I just do it instead of anticipating how rough it might be, I’d be so much more efficient. But then, maybe I wouldn’t have such lovely macrame planters hanging from my ceiling at the moment and such great napkins in the works.

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My big thing right now is putting my house in order. I’ve allowed things to go untouched. My house needs some work. I had a leaky roof and there has been water damage. A lot is cosmetic work. It seems insurmountable! So I do something as often as I feel ok. Last week I cleaned and organized jewelry. I had boxes on a bakers rack. I got a little organizer at target. It was one corner but a start. Another day I had an unused exercise bike taking space ( it was a 10.00 tag sale find) and I put it at the end of my driveway with a free sign and someone took it (yeah!). So everyday I do something. One day I cleaned out my coat closet. What wasn’t being used but was wearable went to charity. Something’s had to be tossed. It was one thing. I bought a used bookshelf for my room that I am going to paint so that’s this weeks goal. Today I’ll do one thing too. Slowly I’ll get there. If I think of the whole I become overwhelmed and just give up. If I do it one corner at a time it feels doable. And when I finish I congratulate myself on doing a little.

I should also explain I have symptoms of chronic fatigue. I take the dogs out when they wake me at 4:30 and feed them. My little guy Rayder needs to go back out after breakfast and again. Then I go back to bed and may not get up til late morning or afternoon. Not all days are like this but many are. Some mornings I stay up and go work out and get more done. Some days I don’t actually start til mid afternoon . My 2 dogs are my center and keep me going.

Holly your garden is beautiful. Suleika I love your art. Your work reminds me of both Frida and Chagall. Out of Office Reply is very poignant and moving. I think of you everyday since I learned of your story and I send you love and healing prayers everyday.

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Aug 28, 2022Liked by Suleika Jaouad

I remember leaving their father , my then-husband at 40, right after I got diagnosed. Not knowing the road ahead, I decided to leave based on weighing the quality-vs quantity of my life. It was something I didn't stress over or overthink; I listened to my gut and just Did it. Many peers judged my decisions to leave, but I just Knew what was to happen for us to be happy. Fast forward almost 20 years, with many moments of doubt and insecurity came also many moments of that familiar gut knowledge, or intuition in parenting these 3 beauties. This last week I was reminded of how the continued "grace of the gut" brought me, in being a good mum. My middle daughter called to me to ask relationship questions, and I just felt so honored she saw my partners and my good example of what a good relationship should and could be. When I hung up, I felt so warm and free of any mama guilt or mama doubt that I said or didn't say the right thing. My example led to that moment. My gut won yet again. My able to discern my inner right from wrong, any wondering if I overshared or underdelivered just fizzled away with her very first questions. She came to me before any of her girlfriends, before any compare-contrast of bad reality shows or instagram relationship stuff. She came to Me. If I ever have moments of doubt about who or what I am as a mum, a friend, a colleague, I hope I think back to this experience. Being a mom can be hard, feeling judged in society can be mind-numbing, but ignoring the gut is the hardest of all.

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Three years ago we purchased a 119-year-old building in our small town. For a long time I would prepare the place for an upcoming client with such anxiety and dread. What if I forgot to clean this spot or leave out this supply? What if there was a power outage during the event or plumbing issues (which has happened!)? What if they trash the place?

Then the event happens and even in the preparation and the post cleanup, I have the best time! I meet remarkable people and have wonderful conversations. I am privileged to have a glimpse into someone else’s life for a sliver of time, and all the worry seems melts into a pool of silliness...until the next event. I’m getting better, though!

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