What’s saving me? The ocean — always. It’s there, tide going in and out, waves curling one after another. It’s quiet and settled one moment, and a raging torrent the next, just like the moods of life. I feel akin to it, safe in its watery embrace and completely at home in its blue depths. I like the ethereal feeling of floating in it when I scuba dive, and the dance with it when I surf. I made a little pact to myself in January that at least once a week I will swim in it, so far so good, as we come into winter it’s getting cold though and swimming in just my togs has me shivering. But I love it, it makes me feel alive and completely connected with the world around me. I did my swim this morning in the grey drizzle and I felt at peace (and a wee bit cold), but content nonetheless. I grew up next to it and have never lived in a town without the sea. I’m grateful for the ocean’s enduring presence 🌊
My son passed away November 2021. He loved the ocean. I go whenever I can. I feel so calm and peaceful when I'm near the water. Even on the hard days. Tanner always said it felt healing to him.
Traci, I am sorry for your loss of your son, Tanner. I am happy for you that you have a place to feel calm & peaceful, the ocean, which Tanner loved. ❤️🙏🏻❤️
Traci, aroha nui (much love), I’m sorry about the passing of your son. What a gift to feel calm near the water, how special that Tanner found it healing too 🌊💛
The ocean is so calming & healing. I love being in the ocean or staying near one on vacations. I live on Lake Michigan and while it’s wonderful in the summer, I love it year round. I love walking near it in colder months. I will drive down to it even on cloudy, cold days in the winter, turn my car off & sit and watch the water for only 10 minutes if that is all I have on extremely busy days. It rejuvenates me. ❤️
The water does truly rejuvenate, how special to live on Lake Michigan! One day I would love to visit America and see huge lakes that feel like oceans 💛
I agree on the ocean as saving me 🌊 the vastness of it, making me & my issues small and the smells & sounds, it’s so multi dimensional and lifts spirits to be sent off in the next tide ❤️
Multi dimensional, what a perfect sentiment! So many comparisons can be drawn from the life of water 💛
“Sent off in the next tide”, wow, beautiful, and coincidental you say that, those similar words were written to me by the father of my friend that passed, “by the time you read this, she may have already left our shores.”
You inspire me! I love the idea of a weekly dip in the ocean. The ocean is cold here on the west coast of Canada but maybe I could use some waking up out of my monotony. Thank you for the inspiration! 🌊
Love, love the ocean. Grew up on it in Ireland but now in the vastness of Texas. Did spend last week in the West Indies and took the time to spend 8 hours a day in the warm Caribbean waters
My excuses for not going are many, mostly that I don’t often have anyone to swim with and need to feel safe. Mostly I’m a summer swimmer as the wetsuit is hassle getting on off. And the weather here in UK is crap. I need the sun to motivate me. Yes I hear you all saying I need to source my own sun. Perhaps the soothing water will create that feeling in me…
This makes me wish I encountered you near these waves, to have a safe place to talk about it. Thanks for sharing. It’s a good reminder I’m not alone in such a special way. 🌊
You are never alone, I like to think about the vast ocean and how one body of water can touch so many. The Pacific Ocean touches me down here in New Zealand but also the West coast of America, but really what are different oceans other than corners of one whole. Sending love 💛
Good Sunday morning, Suleika, it was very interesting to watch you share your hospital creative space with us again! I am sitting in my sunroom, this the coolest part of the day (I now live in North Carolina) so the sliding glass door is open, allowing nature to join me and my cup of coffee. I believe it's these moments that save me and inspire me. The day is still soft around the edges, the sky full of clouds, the birds singing, the greenery of the swampy woods behind us is so vibrant and multi-dimensional that it practically speaks to me in hushed, leafy tones, so full of life. I also swim several times a week and I find the water freeing and cleansing. I have some physical issues of my own, and I can do things in the water that I can't do on land. It feels so good and nourishing. My sister commented that she noticed I smile the most when I am doing my water exercises. Doing my art (at this time it is fabric art) saves me as well, providing a creative outlet for my otherwise fairly mundane days (I still work part-time and then there are the usual day in, day out tasks to be done). And my two daughters and granddaughter keep me anchored to this earthly plain, offering me plenty of opportunities to give advice, love and support. These things have truly saved me from my darkest, saddest self. Good luck with your art show! I am waiting for the coffee table book to be published!
Right now. This week. My mind and spirit are being saved by the planning it is taking me to attend “The Blood of Alchemy” art show opening on June 22 in Frenchtown, NJ. For a wilderness woman whose daily wardrobe consists of blue jeans, red plaid shirts and muddy rubber boots it is a challenge to travel outside my comfort zone.
I have not booked a flight, a hotel or packed my “nice” clothes since attending my last AYA cancer awareness conference prior to Covid. My nerves are frantically dancing like a cat on a hot tin roof . However, the anticipation of meeting up for the first time, face to face, with some dear Isolation Journalists is filling me with an excitement I haven’t felt for years.
To leave the ranch work behind for a week to wander through a room full of Suleika’s paintings (Anne’s, too) is making my heart beat to a different joyous rhythm. I am getting out of my head and looking forward. I am ready to do this. I am stepping away from the familiar. In doing so I am saving the me that has been buried for far too long.
I don’t think people in Frenchtown NJ will care how you dress 😊. (I can say that because it’s not far from where I live.) One less thing to stress about. Safe travels 🙏🏻
Pat what a beautiful reflection and what a beautiful focus for traveling. I would love to be able to be in that room with all who will bear witness to the amazing art of Suleika and Anne, and for you to take this trip out of the familiar to a space that will be filled with love, hope and inspiration. Safe travels and Congratulations Suleika on this amazing exhibit and all it reflects in the journeys you have shared in community with all of us.
I get that feeling Pat, how to travel, how to pack….I haven’t been out of New England (my comfort zone) since Covid and friends are saying visit me…in Hawaii or Alaska (both places I love) …I need to remember how to do the whole travel package from booking flights to having the right stuff! Enjoy ! The pot of gold at the end will be so awesome! The art and camaraderie of this group of threaded together souls through these journal shares all this time! 🌻💃
I echo your sentiments about not quite knowing what to wear, barefoot and sun hat wearing kiwi here! So exciting you are attending the art show, what a great adventure to go on, enjoy!! 😊
I loved travelling through New Zealand. After spending 3 weeks amongst black snakes, crocodiles, dingos and poisonous spiders in Australia, I was able to relax in NZ. Gorgeous country.
Pat, safe travels and enjoy it all. What an incredibly special time this will be for you and all who are attending “The Blood of Alchemy” art show opening. ❤️
“I am stepping away from the familiar. In doing so I am saving the me that has been buried for far too long.” I am so happy for you, Pat. Relish this time and savor every moment. ❤️❤️❤️ (And take lots of pics as you promised to do. 😉🥰)
People are saving me every day! On Mon I left home at 4am to fly to Boston and at 5am was terrified that I would miss my 6:13 flight. I spoke to a tall, TSA woman who seemed to have authority. I said,” I need help. I am flying to Boston with my husband’s ashes. I have to be at Mt Auburn cemetery at 10:15. She said come with me and took me to first class security check. I was ok
after that and filled with fresh energy. All day I was open to the love and joy and kindness of others. I paid my Uber driver $20 to purchase his 6 yr old son’s drawing that I love. I told him to tell his son he is an artist who just sold his first drawing! Your hospital studio inspires me to do watercolors each day while on a little island in Georgian Bay because happy accidents are waiting for me to pick up a brush. I may even paint in my kayak! I may also write one poem a day!
It was refreshing to read your words; your positive vibes can be felt in your writing. And add to it what you are dealing with right now? God Bless! 🙏🏻❤️
Cynthia, such a touching story of opening to love and joy that starts when we recognize we sometimes "need help" and get further with loving honesty. I can see you now painting in your kayak!! Blessings.
I love your work. It makes me think. My own work is straightforward and not multidimensional, and I desire to paint more that way but only realism comes out of this brain and through my brush (I'm convinced it's my need to control my world). Anyway, after my first brain surgery in 2006, I put all my mental energy into getting my masters and becoming a therapist. How could I die if I'm working so hard? Then, the tumor came back and I had a second surgery in 2015. I processed everything and recovered as much as possible, and then in 2020 I took a class in Adobe Illustrator in hopes of becoming a fabric designer. I fell in love with it. Painting watercolors AND putting the paintings on surfaces! And...bonus...as long as I'm working on something, nothing bad can happen (so logical, right?). Now I also learned Adobe Photoshop, which is actually the program that doesn't destroy the looks of my artwork. A couple of weeks ago I got to see a great-granddaughter with a hair bow made out of fabric with butterflies on it that I had painted!! But in the back of my mind, I'm aware of how much this creativity and working on something for the future that is helping me cope through the annual MRIs and "what ifs."
I love your seeing your great-granddaughter with a hair bow made out of fabric with butterflies on it that you had painted! It f you ever have a photo of it, I would love to see it! ❤️
There has to be a way, right? I used to put bows in my daughter’s hair all of the time when she was a child & reading your words made me smile. I love that your granddaughter has her now with your butterflies on it! 🦋
That I "DO" know about. The three little dots to the right will get you to the edit button. LOL If you go on my Spoonflower shop (Two Springs Studio) you will see my designs including the butterfly print she bought for the bow. Where there's a will there's a way! Thanks, Susan!
I joined this group three weeks ago when I first learned I have metastatic breast cancer (now in my liver ten years after my initial diagnosis and treatment), and am only now posting as I finally told my children and family members the news.
What is saving me now is knowing there are so many other people, here in this sacred space that Suleika has created, who are thriving with illness. I feel that the cancer is not a death sentence but a life sentence. How to live fully now.
What is saving me now, is writing every (well, most) mornings. Setting up my watercolors at the window looking out at our 100 year old olive tree. I began a collage/painting of my PETscan and biopsy notes and healing dream images intertwined.
The day after I got the news I wrote:
Emily Dickinson caught my imagination when I was a child. In seventh grade poetry class, an assignment to memorize a poem led me to Death.
Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
And immortality.
I still can recite this. She has always been my favorite poetess. And I use as many dashes – as I can in my writing.
Death now is a living companion. How long is the carriage ride? Emily rides along, a soul sister from another century—
Three weeks later I wrote:
I have this image of stepping out of the carriage, and while I know it will come around again, I’ll send a text when I’m ready to be picked up.
“I feel that the cancer is not a death sentence but a life sentence. How to live fully now.” Stunning. Thank you for trusting us with your difficult news, and also for sharing your wisdom. Sending love and wishes for strength and comfort in the days to come ❤️
Wow! Beautiful! We have an expiration date. For some it comes earlier than for others, but it’s coming. We have to get the most out of the time we have.
It’s amazing how you just picked up painting and discovered a tremendous talent and source of joy. I also take such lessons from you and your attitude through this very challenging time. I find myself in a similar position and a long-term proposition. It is awfully hard to wrestle with that and keep my spirits up. Thank you for showing me different ways to try. ☮️❤️🌷
Hope. Hope is saving me. It is a shard of light that lives inside me. Oh, and books. Grief exhaustion leaves me unable to paint, to garden, to spread my wanderlust wings, but books take me elsewhere.
Susan, thank you!! I was thinking about Orange Soda the other day (they used to give it to us for free on Field Day) and thought of you and how you have been so supportive. Thank you!
You are most welcome! I love your writing and cannot wait for the release of your book! Mary, your words are very touching. And I loved Field Day in school! That just brought back so many memories to me! (That phrase And an Orange Soda for Susie has meaning to it, which I will one day be sharing.)
That really spoke to me, as did your video. My last time in treatment that quote is exactly what happened to me even though I didn’t have the words for it until now.
I remember lying in bed on a particular bad day after a treatment, in the days where I wasn’t sure I had a future, thinking (maybe praying?!) - “when” I’m done with this I’m going to do…” and it was a list of creative endeavors. That’s what flowed from me when I was at my lowest. It was like my creativity was like - wake up, use me, embrace who you really are and what you are meant to do.
I wished I would have started some of those ideas more during treatment as you did, but I did journal. I always find my way back to journaling.
I recognized what a true creative soul (a title I don’t believe I ever owned until after my cancer returned) I am once my cancer returned because that is truly where my mind would land to give me hope. Things I could create whether it be courses, books, podcast, I had all the ideas. It fueled me to keep on keeping on.
I haven’t fully fulfilled all of those creative thoughts now 4 years later but I have dipped my toe into some. I am now ready to dive right in. You have inspired me to push myself past those fears I have and just do it. More importantly you reminded me the importance that the creative mindset holds for my well being. Thank you for that.
Sending you all the good vibes for your show, wish I lived closer to attend in person but hope you feel the love from 🇨🇦 I know you will share what you can with us and I look forward to it 💜
Jennifer--thank you for illustrating that finding your way to your creativity can be a journey. I find this reminder helpful, and I'm sure others here will as well. ❤️
Greetings from Marblehead, MA where it is looking and feeling like rain may soon be upon us. I will “happily,” be saved by streaming police procedurals, interspersed with movies I may hit upon as I peruse what’s available. But, as I slowly go back to reading books rather than newsletters, the NYT, WORDLE, Spelling Bee, The Marginalian, Patti Smith, and The Atlantic, my goal today is to finish reading The Knife (Rushdie), and collect some material on people who’ve grown up as the child in a family who unequivocally favor their younger, male child (not me).
Looking forward to your and your mom’s art show and, as someone said, the waves that will emanate from it.
Please let me know what you think of Shalman Rushdie’s Knife. I have it; I just haven’t read it yet. I always have 3 books going at once. I receive The Marginalian newsletter as well. I love it!
What is saving me? Clearly, not myself alone. Others are sustaining me, though they may not even be aware of the urgency I feel. Every small suggestion, offering, from another is truly saving me. In the forever present past I began to explore the Japanese Shakuhachi bamboo flute. What a challenge, what a teacher. Recently, a much more experienced shakuhachi player suggested I hold a piece of paper up to the wall, take a deep breath, and as I begin to exhale onto the paper, see if I can hold the paper up on the wall, without touching the paper; only by using my breath. Yesterday, I reached twenty times: deep breath, exhale for as long as I can, and marvel at the paper’s staying in place-with the occasional fall to the floor when my concentration flounders. This breath exercise has improved my beginner’s playing of this flute. The Shakuhachi discipline is vast, changing, and rigorous. To play this flute, I must learn to breathe with more awareness and intention. My lips are discovering the meaning of embouchure. For over a year, almost daily, I pick up the shakuhachi and “warm up” by blowing 108 low tones, Ro. Then, I explore the flute and my relationship to it. Slowly, I am entering the sweet realm of this flute. Very slowly. And this journey is saving, gathering in, holding my life. 🏮
I don't know how I would survive this life without my art. I hope to continue making art up until the point I am no longer in this world. It's of such great interest to me.
What is saving me? GOD. My son had a very rare illness, Cystinosis. There are only 2,000 cases in the world. He was diagnosed at 14 months old. My life had instantly changed. I didn't handle the grief well in the beginning. I jumped in. I wanted to know what I needed to do to to save him. Tanner lived for 33 years. Much longer than we were told. I believed medical technology would save him. Things change quickly in a slow way in the medical world. We went to San Diego 3/2020 to be tested to be patient 3 in a stem cell transplant trial that we helped facilitate. Tanner didn't pass one of the tests. I think he lost hope after that. But God answered my prayers in a different way. I was able to say goodbye to him. To hold his hand as he passed from this earth into his new heavenly existence.
The other thing that saved me was walking! I would walk and listen to the birds, breathe in the air, and listen to the ocean. I could feel my sons presence. I feel it saved me.
I'm now wanting to live my life for him. His was shorter than how long we all imagine we will have. I don't want to spend my time scrolling my phone. I want to learn and grow. I would love to write, but have never done anything like that before. As a matter of fact, I hated english class! I'm thankful I was introduced to your book Suleika. It had me on the floor at 2:00 in the morning sobbing. Journaling. And I think that is a perfect start to my finding my way back to this wonderful life that I've been blessed with. You have my gratitude sweet girl.
Beautiful, calm, focused, pure presence. Amidst savage urgency, what fills, sates, you? I saw your books by Thich Nhat Hanh, “How To Love,” “How to Fight.” I once studied for a PhD comp exam on Hanh and Merton. I was reading their books and journals in the Drew forest library late into the night, then driving home in the early mornings. This filled and calmed me. Yet the urgency was not like Sloan, not like your own. Now I live closer to that, getting an mri and biopsy soon for possible cancer. It amazes me how present and focused you are. I love writing about creative spirituality and real life in journals and substack. I love praying from the depths with Higher Love. I love walking in communion in beautiful places. I love dialogue with friends. They fill me. It’s good to have a genuine project with a focus—one painting a day or so. Release and go with the flow. Lose yourself in creating, which for the artist, is prayer. Those who hunger and thirst for God… shall be filled. As with Hanh and yourself…
Life is fragile and our lives can turn, unexpected, in one moment. My hope for you is that your MRI and biopsy come back negative. If they don’t, you have your faith which sustains us. (It has sustained me every time I have experienced life’s trials & sufferings, and unexpected life-altering experiences.) I love Thich Nhat Hanh, and I have been a Thomas Merton supporter since I can remember. As a matter of fact, I woke up at 3:00 this morning and with all that I am dealing with in my life right now, my mind shifted automatically to some of these things. I immediately turned to my nightstand & took out my recordings of some of Thomas Merton’s homilies. His voice & teachings relaxed me and I was soon entering sleep again. My prayers to you. 🙏🏻❤️
Hi Michael. I am sorry to hear you are facing the possibility of cancer. That is difficult and I will pray for you. Have you read A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken? It is a beautiful love story but also a story of coming to faith and of the faith that sustains when illness sets in. Your words, " Release and go with the flow" remind me of something Sheldon said to his wife as she lay dying;" Go under the Love. Go under the Mercy." C. S.Lewis was an acquaintance of Vanauken and his wife, Davy and some letters of correspondence are included in this book. My copy is very old. I hope you can find one. Bless you. Go under the Love, Michael.
So many things are saving me - isolation journals is one ❤️ My daughter, husband, dog, art and humanity…. My spiritual guide, my Pilates practice and my therapist and my friends. I am so thankful to you, Carmen and Holly. This has been a consistent routine for me since April 2020. A creative community that is not indulgent but who connects at the best of times and the hardest of times 🫶 who faces fears with curiosity and honesty. Oh yeah, and music. Music saves me. We are bringing F to Newport Jazz this summer 🎶 🌊 ☀️ floating in water and the ocean 🤟
What’s saving me? The ocean — always. It’s there, tide going in and out, waves curling one after another. It’s quiet and settled one moment, and a raging torrent the next, just like the moods of life. I feel akin to it, safe in its watery embrace and completely at home in its blue depths. I like the ethereal feeling of floating in it when I scuba dive, and the dance with it when I surf. I made a little pact to myself in January that at least once a week I will swim in it, so far so good, as we come into winter it’s getting cold though and swimming in just my togs has me shivering. But I love it, it makes me feel alive and completely connected with the world around me. I did my swim this morning in the grey drizzle and I felt at peace (and a wee bit cold), but content nonetheless. I grew up next to it and have never lived in a town without the sea. I’m grateful for the ocean’s enduring presence 🌊
My son passed away November 2021. He loved the ocean. I go whenever I can. I feel so calm and peaceful when I'm near the water. Even on the hard days. Tanner always said it felt healing to him.
Traci, I am sorry for your loss of your son, Tanner. I am happy for you that you have a place to feel calm & peaceful, the ocean, which Tanner loved. ❤️🙏🏻❤️
Thank you
I’m so sorry for this loss, Traci. Sending love. ♥️
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
Traci, I cannot imagine the depth of your loss and I also love that the ocean creates a calm and peace for you. Tanner...what a lovely name.
Thank you
Traci, aroha nui (much love), I’m sorry about the passing of your son. What a gift to feel calm near the water, how special that Tanner found it healing too 🌊💛
The ocean is so calming & healing. I love being in the ocean or staying near one on vacations. I live on Lake Michigan and while it’s wonderful in the summer, I love it year round. I love walking near it in colder months. I will drive down to it even on cloudy, cold days in the winter, turn my car off & sit and watch the water for only 10 minutes if that is all I have on extremely busy days. It rejuvenates me. ❤️
I,too lived on lake M for 60 years. I'd go to the shore most days to "see what mood the lake was in".
I love your words, “see what mood the lake was in”…❤️
The water does truly rejuvenate, how special to live on Lake Michigan! One day I would love to visit America and see huge lakes that feel like oceans 💛
I grew up near Lake Michigan, the Great Lakes seem like oceans too- massive bodies of water
There's something about being along the water that is so healing. That and the mountains.
Yes, the mountains as well!
I agree on the ocean as saving me 🌊 the vastness of it, making me & my issues small and the smells & sounds, it’s so multi dimensional and lifts spirits to be sent off in the next tide ❤️
Multi dimensional, what a perfect sentiment! So many comparisons can be drawn from the life of water 💛
“Sent off in the next tide”, wow, beautiful, and coincidental you say that, those similar words were written to me by the father of my friend that passed, “by the time you read this, she may have already left our shores.”
That's so lovely Jeanne. 🙏🏻 🌊
I haven't been in the ocean since January and it is calling me strongly, I agree it makes us feel alive in a way that nothing else does Kate
It truly does Gill, may you answer the call of the water and find your way to its calming presence 🌊☺️
You inspire me! I love the idea of a weekly dip in the ocean. The ocean is cold here on the west coast of Canada but maybe I could use some waking up out of my monotony. Thank you for the inspiration! 🌊
That’s very kind Ellisha, thank you! I believe in you! It really is invigorating, start small (and with a wetsuit) 😀
It's the same for me. Even thinking about moving somewhere too landlocked, miles away from the ocean, makes me feel claustrophobic.
Love, love the ocean. Grew up on it in Ireland but now in the vastness of Texas. Did spend last week in the West Indies and took the time to spend 8 hours a day in the warm Caribbean waters
My excuses for not going are many, mostly that I don’t often have anyone to swim with and need to feel safe. Mostly I’m a summer swimmer as the wetsuit is hassle getting on off. And the weather here in UK is crap. I need the sun to motivate me. Yes I hear you all saying I need to source my own sun. Perhaps the soothing water will create that feeling in me…
I love the ocean as well but we live in a landlocked state. But oh how I love going to the Oregon coast!
Glad you have the Oregon coast to visit to get your fix of the ocean 🌊
One day I must visit America to visit all the wonderful places people talk of here 😊
I’m in the New England area of the north Atlantic so it’s just time to start jumping in -🐠🌞☀️🌊🌊
Ooh exciting, enjoy the beautiful summer dips 🌊😊
What a wonderful reminder that I need to make a trip to Santa Cruz, since it's only an hour west. I'm inspired!
Great to hear you’re inspired Kevin, I hope you make the trip 🌊☺️
This makes me wish I encountered you near these waves, to have a safe place to talk about it. Thanks for sharing. It’s a good reminder I’m not alone in such a special way. 🌊
You are never alone, I like to think about the vast ocean and how one body of water can touch so many. The Pacific Ocean touches me down here in New Zealand but also the West coast of America, but really what are different oceans other than corners of one whole. Sending love 💛
Good Sunday morning, Suleika, it was very interesting to watch you share your hospital creative space with us again! I am sitting in my sunroom, this the coolest part of the day (I now live in North Carolina) so the sliding glass door is open, allowing nature to join me and my cup of coffee. I believe it's these moments that save me and inspire me. The day is still soft around the edges, the sky full of clouds, the birds singing, the greenery of the swampy woods behind us is so vibrant and multi-dimensional that it practically speaks to me in hushed, leafy tones, so full of life. I also swim several times a week and I find the water freeing and cleansing. I have some physical issues of my own, and I can do things in the water that I can't do on land. It feels so good and nourishing. My sister commented that she noticed I smile the most when I am doing my water exercises. Doing my art (at this time it is fabric art) saves me as well, providing a creative outlet for my otherwise fairly mundane days (I still work part-time and then there are the usual day in, day out tasks to be done). And my two daughters and granddaughter keep me anchored to this earthly plain, offering me plenty of opportunities to give advice, love and support. These things have truly saved me from my darkest, saddest self. Good luck with your art show! I am waiting for the coffee table book to be published!
The layers of things that save us. ❤️
Beautiful, I'd like to quietly sit with you and that coffee please! :)
Oh, me too, me too!
Your writing is lovely. You brought me there, to your morning sunroom.
Right now. This week. My mind and spirit are being saved by the planning it is taking me to attend “The Blood of Alchemy” art show opening on June 22 in Frenchtown, NJ. For a wilderness woman whose daily wardrobe consists of blue jeans, red plaid shirts and muddy rubber boots it is a challenge to travel outside my comfort zone.
I have not booked a flight, a hotel or packed my “nice” clothes since attending my last AYA cancer awareness conference prior to Covid. My nerves are frantically dancing like a cat on a hot tin roof . However, the anticipation of meeting up for the first time, face to face, with some dear Isolation Journalists is filling me with an excitement I haven’t felt for years.
To leave the ranch work behind for a week to wander through a room full of Suleika’s paintings (Anne’s, too) is making my heart beat to a different joyous rhythm. I am getting out of my head and looking forward. I am ready to do this. I am stepping away from the familiar. In doing so I am saving the me that has been buried for far too long.
Can’t wait, Pat!! ❤️❤️
I am literally counting the days. Woohoo!
We are waiting for you, Pat! You are ready to do this. ❤️
Yes!!! I am ready! Thank you for the love and support, Suleika.
hi Pat. another wellie-wearing farmer who doesn't own any shoes with heals and might forget to brush her hair...will see you there! have a good trip!
Excellent! Be sure to say hello!
I don’t think people in Frenchtown NJ will care how you dress 😊. (I can say that because it’s not far from where I live.) One less thing to stress about. Safe travels 🙏🏻
Thx Jennifer. Good to know.
Jennifer is right. Wear the muddy boots or red flannel so we recognize you! 🥾
Oh. Good plan. Although I hear it might be in the 80’s. Boots and flannel might be a bit too warm. . Maybe a red neckerchief?🥴😁
Pat what a beautiful reflection and what a beautiful focus for traveling. I would love to be able to be in that room with all who will bear witness to the amazing art of Suleika and Anne, and for you to take this trip out of the familiar to a space that will be filled with love, hope and inspiration. Safe travels and Congratulations Suleika on this amazing exhibit and all it reflects in the journeys you have shared in community with all of us.
Thank you for framing this trip in such a generous and poetic way, Karen. ❤️
How wonderful!
I get that feeling Pat, how to travel, how to pack….I haven’t been out of New England (my comfort zone) since Covid and friends are saying visit me…in Hawaii or Alaska (both places I love) …I need to remember how to do the whole travel package from booking flights to having the right stuff! Enjoy ! The pot of gold at the end will be so awesome! The art and camaraderie of this group of threaded together souls through these journal shares all this time! 🌻💃
I am cheering you on Jeanne ! We will inspire one another until you are ready.
Carry on only!!! And compression cubes! Just spent three nights in Atlanta with airlines delays but bad all my stuff wit me!!
I echo your sentiments about not quite knowing what to wear, barefoot and sun hat wearing kiwi here! So exciting you are attending the art show, what a great adventure to go on, enjoy!! 😊
I loved travelling through New Zealand. After spending 3 weeks amongst black snakes, crocodiles, dingos and poisonous spiders in Australia, I was able to relax in NZ. Gorgeous country.
Glad to hear you enjoyed it! Aroha nui, much love 💛
Pat, safe travels and enjoy it all. What an incredibly special time this will be for you and all who are attending “The Blood of Alchemy” art show opening. ❤️
Yes. Incredibly special. Thx Mary P.
“I am stepping away from the familiar. In doing so I am saving the me that has been buried for far too long.” I am so happy for you, Pat. Relish this time and savor every moment. ❤️❤️❤️ (And take lots of pics as you promised to do. 😉🥰)
Will do, Susan. Thank you for your love and support. ❤️
People are saving me every day! On Mon I left home at 4am to fly to Boston and at 5am was terrified that I would miss my 6:13 flight. I spoke to a tall, TSA woman who seemed to have authority. I said,” I need help. I am flying to Boston with my husband’s ashes. I have to be at Mt Auburn cemetery at 10:15. She said come with me and took me to first class security check. I was ok
after that and filled with fresh energy. All day I was open to the love and joy and kindness of others. I paid my Uber driver $20 to purchase his 6 yr old son’s drawing that I love. I told him to tell his son he is an artist who just sold his first drawing! Your hospital studio inspires me to do watercolors each day while on a little island in Georgian Bay because happy accidents are waiting for me to pick up a brush. I may even paint in my kayak! I may also write one poem a day!
Yes! Paint in your kayak! Write a poem a day! ❤️
I love your image of painting in a kayak - bliss! Also how lovely to find grace and humanity in others - that's huge.
It was refreshing to read your words; your positive vibes can be felt in your writing. And add to it what you are dealing with right now? God Bless! 🙏🏻❤️
Cynthia, such a touching story of opening to love and joy that starts when we recognize we sometimes "need help" and get further with loving honesty. I can see you now painting in your kayak!! Blessings.
I love your work. It makes me think. My own work is straightforward and not multidimensional, and I desire to paint more that way but only realism comes out of this brain and through my brush (I'm convinced it's my need to control my world). Anyway, after my first brain surgery in 2006, I put all my mental energy into getting my masters and becoming a therapist. How could I die if I'm working so hard? Then, the tumor came back and I had a second surgery in 2015. I processed everything and recovered as much as possible, and then in 2020 I took a class in Adobe Illustrator in hopes of becoming a fabric designer. I fell in love with it. Painting watercolors AND putting the paintings on surfaces! And...bonus...as long as I'm working on something, nothing bad can happen (so logical, right?). Now I also learned Adobe Photoshop, which is actually the program that doesn't destroy the looks of my artwork. A couple of weeks ago I got to see a great-granddaughter with a hair bow made out of fabric with butterflies on it that I had painted!! But in the back of my mind, I'm aware of how much this creativity and working on something for the future that is helping me cope through the annual MRIs and "what ifs."
I love your seeing your great-granddaughter with a hair bow made out of fabric with butterflies on it that you had painted! It f you ever have a photo of it, I would love to see it! ❤️
I'm not sure how to post a photo here but maybe we can somehow!
There has to be a way, right? I used to put bows in my daughter’s hair all of the time when she was a child & reading your words made me smile. I love that your granddaughter has her now with your butterflies on it! 🦋
Bow…Not “now”…Wish there was an edit button on here. 😉
That I "DO" know about. The three little dots to the right will get you to the edit button. LOL If you go on my Spoonflower shop (Two Springs Studio) you will see my designs including the butterfly print she bought for the bow. Where there's a will there's a way! Thanks, Susan!
I joined this group three weeks ago when I first learned I have metastatic breast cancer (now in my liver ten years after my initial diagnosis and treatment), and am only now posting as I finally told my children and family members the news.
What is saving me now is knowing there are so many other people, here in this sacred space that Suleika has created, who are thriving with illness. I feel that the cancer is not a death sentence but a life sentence. How to live fully now.
What is saving me now, is writing every (well, most) mornings. Setting up my watercolors at the window looking out at our 100 year old olive tree. I began a collage/painting of my PETscan and biopsy notes and healing dream images intertwined.
The day after I got the news I wrote:
Emily Dickinson caught my imagination when I was a child. In seventh grade poetry class, an assignment to memorize a poem led me to Death.
Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
And immortality.
I still can recite this. She has always been my favorite poetess. And I use as many dashes – as I can in my writing.
Death now is a living companion. How long is the carriage ride? Emily rides along, a soul sister from another century—
Three weeks later I wrote:
I have this image of stepping out of the carriage, and while I know it will come around again, I’ll send a text when I’m ready to be picked up.
Because I would not stop for Death
He kindly let me out,
The Carriage will wait until the Time
I am ready to join his route.
“I feel that the cancer is not a death sentence but a life sentence. How to live fully now.” Stunning. Thank you for trusting us with your difficult news, and also for sharing your wisdom. Sending love and wishes for strength and comfort in the days to come ❤️
I love that, Carmen. Trusting one another. No other comment needed. Only prayers.
Beyond honored that this community is a safe space for you during this time. Sending love to you, Alice. ❤️❤️
Alice, your post has touched me deeply, and I feel inspired by you. ♥️
Wow! Beautiful! We have an expiration date. For some it comes earlier than for others, but it’s coming. We have to get the most out of the time we have.
Beautiful!
“I feel that the cancer is not a death sentence but a life sentence. How to live fully now.” Beautiful. Sending you positive energy & love. ❤️
Sending you warm hugs and healing thoughts from Austin🌵💙
It’s amazing how you just picked up painting and discovered a tremendous talent and source of joy. I also take such lessons from you and your attitude through this very challenging time. I find myself in a similar position and a long-term proposition. It is awfully hard to wrestle with that and keep my spirits up. Thank you for showing me different ways to try. ☮️❤️🌷
Hope. Hope is saving me. It is a shard of light that lives inside me. Oh, and books. Grief exhaustion leaves me unable to paint, to garden, to spread my wanderlust wings, but books take me elsewhere.
Hope had sustained me through many dark times. One day at a time Mary. I'm thinking of you🙏
JB9, your continued kindness means so much to me. Thank you.
😘😘😘
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Susan, thank you!! I was thinking about Orange Soda the other day (they used to give it to us for free on Field Day) and thought of you and how you have been so supportive. Thank you!
You are most welcome! I love your writing and cannot wait for the release of your book! Mary, your words are very touching. And I loved Field Day in school! That just brought back so many memories to me! (That phrase And an Orange Soda for Susie has meaning to it, which I will one day be sharing.)
“The best form of creativity is urgency.”
That really spoke to me, as did your video. My last time in treatment that quote is exactly what happened to me even though I didn’t have the words for it until now.
I remember lying in bed on a particular bad day after a treatment, in the days where I wasn’t sure I had a future, thinking (maybe praying?!) - “when” I’m done with this I’m going to do…” and it was a list of creative endeavors. That’s what flowed from me when I was at my lowest. It was like my creativity was like - wake up, use me, embrace who you really are and what you are meant to do.
I wished I would have started some of those ideas more during treatment as you did, but I did journal. I always find my way back to journaling.
I recognized what a true creative soul (a title I don’t believe I ever owned until after my cancer returned) I am once my cancer returned because that is truly where my mind would land to give me hope. Things I could create whether it be courses, books, podcast, I had all the ideas. It fueled me to keep on keeping on.
I haven’t fully fulfilled all of those creative thoughts now 4 years later but I have dipped my toe into some. I am now ready to dive right in. You have inspired me to push myself past those fears I have and just do it. More importantly you reminded me the importance that the creative mindset holds for my well being. Thank you for that.
Sending you all the good vibes for your show, wish I lived closer to attend in person but hope you feel the love from 🇨🇦 I know you will share what you can with us and I look forward to it 💜
“creativity was like - wake up, use me, embrace who you really are and what you are meant to do”—so beautiful, so true!
Jennifer--thank you for illustrating that finding your way to your creativity can be a journey. I find this reminder helpful, and I'm sure others here will as well. ❤️
Me, too… ‘urgency’
Greetings from Marblehead, MA where it is looking and feeling like rain may soon be upon us. I will “happily,” be saved by streaming police procedurals, interspersed with movies I may hit upon as I peruse what’s available. But, as I slowly go back to reading books rather than newsletters, the NYT, WORDLE, Spelling Bee, The Marginalian, Patti Smith, and The Atlantic, my goal today is to finish reading The Knife (Rushdie), and collect some material on people who’ve grown up as the child in a family who unequivocally favor their younger, male child (not me).
Looking forward to your and your mom’s art show and, as someone said, the waves that will emanate from it.
A wonderful mix. ❤️
Please let me know what you think of Shalman Rushdie’s Knife. I have it; I just haven’t read it yet. I always have 3 books going at once. I receive The Marginalian newsletter as well. I love it!
I just finished The Knife...what a harrowing book!
Yes! Very thought provoking.
What is saving me? Clearly, not myself alone. Others are sustaining me, though they may not even be aware of the urgency I feel. Every small suggestion, offering, from another is truly saving me. In the forever present past I began to explore the Japanese Shakuhachi bamboo flute. What a challenge, what a teacher. Recently, a much more experienced shakuhachi player suggested I hold a piece of paper up to the wall, take a deep breath, and as I begin to exhale onto the paper, see if I can hold the paper up on the wall, without touching the paper; only by using my breath. Yesterday, I reached twenty times: deep breath, exhale for as long as I can, and marvel at the paper’s staying in place-with the occasional fall to the floor when my concentration flounders. This breath exercise has improved my beginner’s playing of this flute. The Shakuhachi discipline is vast, changing, and rigorous. To play this flute, I must learn to breathe with more awareness and intention. My lips are discovering the meaning of embouchure. For over a year, almost daily, I pick up the shakuhachi and “warm up” by blowing 108 low tones, Ro. Then, I explore the flute and my relationship to it. Slowly, I am entering the sweet realm of this flute. Very slowly. And this journey is saving, gathering in, holding my life. 🏮
What a marvelous (and challenging) exercise. Your discipline is inspiring. ❤️
I don't know how I would survive this life without my art. I hope to continue making art up until the point I am no longer in this world. It's of such great interest to me.
What is saving me? GOD. My son had a very rare illness, Cystinosis. There are only 2,000 cases in the world. He was diagnosed at 14 months old. My life had instantly changed. I didn't handle the grief well in the beginning. I jumped in. I wanted to know what I needed to do to to save him. Tanner lived for 33 years. Much longer than we were told. I believed medical technology would save him. Things change quickly in a slow way in the medical world. We went to San Diego 3/2020 to be tested to be patient 3 in a stem cell transplant trial that we helped facilitate. Tanner didn't pass one of the tests. I think he lost hope after that. But God answered my prayers in a different way. I was able to say goodbye to him. To hold his hand as he passed from this earth into his new heavenly existence.
The other thing that saved me was walking! I would walk and listen to the birds, breathe in the air, and listen to the ocean. I could feel my sons presence. I feel it saved me.
I'm now wanting to live my life for him. His was shorter than how long we all imagine we will have. I don't want to spend my time scrolling my phone. I want to learn and grow. I would love to write, but have never done anything like that before. As a matter of fact, I hated english class! I'm thankful I was introduced to your book Suleika. It had me on the floor at 2:00 in the morning sobbing. Journaling. And I think that is a perfect start to my finding my way back to this wonderful life that I've been blessed with. You have my gratitude sweet girl.
Sending love to you Traci. Keep journaling. ❤️
🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻❤️
Beautiful, calm, focused, pure presence. Amidst savage urgency, what fills, sates, you? I saw your books by Thich Nhat Hanh, “How To Love,” “How to Fight.” I once studied for a PhD comp exam on Hanh and Merton. I was reading their books and journals in the Drew forest library late into the night, then driving home in the early mornings. This filled and calmed me. Yet the urgency was not like Sloan, not like your own. Now I live closer to that, getting an mri and biopsy soon for possible cancer. It amazes me how present and focused you are. I love writing about creative spirituality and real life in journals and substack. I love praying from the depths with Higher Love. I love walking in communion in beautiful places. I love dialogue with friends. They fill me. It’s good to have a genuine project with a focus—one painting a day or so. Release and go with the flow. Lose yourself in creating, which for the artist, is prayer. Those who hunger and thirst for God… shall be filled. As with Hanh and yourself…
I'm sorry to hear your news, Michael. Sending prayers for clean scans.❤️
Life is fragile and our lives can turn, unexpected, in one moment. My hope for you is that your MRI and biopsy come back negative. If they don’t, you have your faith which sustains us. (It has sustained me every time I have experienced life’s trials & sufferings, and unexpected life-altering experiences.) I love Thich Nhat Hanh, and I have been a Thomas Merton supporter since I can remember. As a matter of fact, I woke up at 3:00 this morning and with all that I am dealing with in my life right now, my mind shifted automatically to some of these things. I immediately turned to my nightstand & took out my recordings of some of Thomas Merton’s homilies. His voice & teachings relaxed me and I was soon entering sleep again. My prayers to you. 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you Susan. Such wisdom here.
You are most welcome!
Hi Michael. I am sorry to hear you are facing the possibility of cancer. That is difficult and I will pray for you. Have you read A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken? It is a beautiful love story but also a story of coming to faith and of the faith that sustains when illness sets in. Your words, " Release and go with the flow" remind me of something Sheldon said to his wife as she lay dying;" Go under the Love. Go under the Mercy." C. S.Lewis was an acquaintance of Vanauken and his wife, Davy and some letters of correspondence are included in this book. My copy is very old. I hope you can find one. Bless you. Go under the Love, Michael.
Thank you.I have read that beautiful book twice. It is a classic.
Yes, go under the love!
So be it.
So many things are saving me - isolation journals is one ❤️ My daughter, husband, dog, art and humanity…. My spiritual guide, my Pilates practice and my therapist and my friends. I am so thankful to you, Carmen and Holly. This has been a consistent routine for me since April 2020. A creative community that is not indulgent but who connects at the best of times and the hardest of times 🫶 who faces fears with curiosity and honesty. Oh yeah, and music. Music saves me. We are bringing F to Newport Jazz this summer 🎶 🌊 ☀️ floating in water and the ocean 🤟
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my gentleness saves me