Indulge all the things we love. A choice, a beautiful choice. Yes to this. In my cancery life, this more than ever so naturally leaps up at me. I’m going to the opera for the first time in my 57 year old life on Friday. La Boheme at the Royal Opera House. Oh yes and I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. Bye bye cancer chat, hello unconventional wedding planning. We can take new paths. We are going to walk each other down the aisle. And I continue to write, write, write and it’s a release and joy. To live, truly live with stage 4 cancer. Thank you for this post Suleika and Lori across the pond. Beautiful photos. From London, England. 🪐
La Boheme on the way to your “unconventional” wedding…writing writing writing through the journey - my, you’re living the life ! Godspeed to you Mel. You’re an inspiration to us all. ❤️
Congratulations and best wishes to you both! La Boheme was the first I saw (don't forget to take tissues!). Enjoy the Royal Opera House (slight envy) I've not been there...yet.
SO excited for you, I remember some of the places I used to go to - yes, Covent Garden is magical!! Especially in the evening. (DM me if you'd like some ideas of where to eat/drink). BTW I'm caring for my Mum who has 2 cancers, 1 is lung. xo
I live in London so know my way around. 😚 Oh I wish your mum so much love and light. And to you as the carer. It’s so vital to us cancery folk to feel the love and patience and kindness. 🤍
Thank you. Yes it’s extraordinary how in some ways effortlessly I now access pure untainted action and interaction. There are rocky days, there are tears but really this too is of course truly living. Thank you so much for the congratulations. So kind. 🤍
Oh happy day. It is Sunday morning and I can once again open my Suleka email!
Since I was a child, I so wanted to know the mysteries of the universe, faith and the soul. After decades of searching, living in ashrams, doing yoga and meditating endless hours, talking to other religious and spiritual teachers, working as healthcare provider in underserved communities, living with a terminal but treatable cancer, I realized one day, I already knew the answers when I started all those years ago. I visit each day with love and kindness by feeding my backyard birds and loving my husband who retired from his dream job to spend what time I had left together enjoying each day.
Thank you Suleka and Lori for reminding me, I am not alone.
Your opening comments, Hari. express exactly how I feel on Sunday. Oh, happy day! I look forward to Suleika’s emails each Sunday and I found myself going deeply into the prompts to find myself on the page.
This prompt was made for me. From childhood, I felt passion for art, music, philosophy, science and when I later learned things such as statistics, I loved the logic and numbers, too. Choosing a single path was painful. Choosing one thing over the others was so very painful.
It also became very lonely. I married a musician and not long after, I stopped playing gigs on the bass and started my next degree. By 35, I was solo parenting and working as an accountant.
I thought it was important for our family to have financial stability and I sacrificed my passion in order to support my husband's passion. When my marriage ended, I was now responsible for raising our child, and I was consumed with earning a living and being a provider. And I no longer had access to my group of friends - he kept the friends and I moved on in this weird and icky world of 9-5 with people who didn't seem to have any passions, much less too many. But I made friends there, too. (I had to dismantle harmful internalized ideas about patriarchy. I do believe my passions deserve to exist now, even though I am not a man)
Now I am retired and sick with cancer, and I am kinda living my best life. I have the resources (time and money) to meet my own needs and I am comfortable. I do put my needs first now - therapy paid off. As my energy improves and the brain fog diminishes, I feel the urge to write again. I even arranged a desk and it is ready for me when I pick up the pen.
Thank you for this gift. I so often feel as if my own life story and life choices make ZERO sense to other people. My first husband was successful enough to provide financial support in more recent years (He paid for her college! He paid for her wedding!) so my life did work out OK (so far! There is more to come.) Praying for you and your health. Sending love.
Reaching old age, and perhaps having regrets about not having pursued certain dreams, one thing stands out to me in your letter. You are pragmatic and have recognized priorities, and that is in itself amazing. Be proud. And good luck in your future path I wish you to be cancer free, healthy, and energetic to pursue your dreams. I understand I’m 79 myself. I’m wondering how that happened…
Thank you Betsy. I really appreciate your words - I feel seen and understood. I am proud of being practical and grateful for all that has brought me here to today.
So thank you for complimenting me on the hardest things I had to do.
Hi Robin, as a fellow retired person who has finally followed his life's core call while being an 80-year old cancer survivor, I feel what you said. We have to figure out a way to hang in here, pay the rent, while doing the things that are most important to us, that may not pay the rent but which pay the heart. And it sounds like you are doing that. So here's a well worn phrase that has been paid to me by some very important people to me: Keep doing what you're doing. Clearly, it's working.
Robin I can totally relate and LOVE that you have found some space for your writing and have done some therapy/counseling. I have lived along a similar path - though not retired just yet - living with a serious health issue and finding my way back to writing and to myself is a real Joy. I had years of brain fog so debilitating I couldn't even write a journal entry that wasn't entirely self-pitying and BORING to myself. There are no guarantees so enjoy the days of increased energy and just write!
Robin, thank you so much for this! Yesterday was a little overwhelming, seeing so many replies, so apologies for not responding earlier. I’m so glad you felt a connection to the prompt. Your path makes 100% sense! I feel like I’ve found a sisterhood throughout the ether of women who’ve sustained others and are now finding themselves. I hope life continues to open up for you and I can’t wait to read your writing! Sending love and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2025. ❤️
I wish I were looking over your shoulder so I could see what you see. Sometimes you don’t see the whole screen and you need to scroll down. Right beneath this comment, I see a blue button Reply. When I click that, this comment will post.
I just wrote a response to your main response and there's a blue arrow at the side of the writing space which when I tap it several times, sometimes posts it, but sometimes doesn't. I'm in the hospital, recovering from neck surgery, and using my Android I have never really written on before, so I feel like a 15-year old at 80. Life is wild.
I hope what I wrote you shows up, but the gist was Keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing well in this strange white supremacist, male dominated world, so hang in there, you've definitely got people who have your back the best they can.
Oh you are darn right. Every single day counts. Too bad I’m just realizing that now that I’ve turned 79. It’s what the Germans call Torschlusspanik. Literally translated panic before the goal post, but you can figure out what it means. Wishing you cancer free years of creativity - sending my best wishes.
Hello All. Thank you Suleika for your share of your journey and how going back and forward is a beautiful way to be in the world. "With the forced interruption of illness all those years ago, I had to abandon the single path—and that has allowed for a plurality of passions and interests." And I loved Lori Tuker-Sullivan's writing. And found her book and ordered it. I have been a drummer and gave it up with the start of the pandemic and illness. Yesterday my husband and I ( and former bass player) took an online course from a fantastic drummer on African drumming. I was encouraged by you Suleika and this phenomenal group. Thank you
Ever since I was a young kid, I have adored dance and theater. I trained for many years in both, but when it was time for college my corporate father demanded I major in nursing. A secure career path. That never came to fruition, majored in sociology, doing drugs, and hanging out with rock bands. When I moved back to NYC upon graduation, I starting dancing again, loving every second of it. My mom was all in, but my dad refused to recognize my talent, and this broke my heart. Fast forward, my husband and I adopted two daughters from Vietnam. Both have blossomed into incredible artists. I promised , while they were growing up ,I would never stifle their creativity like my dad did to me. One daughter is now a visual artist, and the other daughter is a dancer. Although, I no longer dance, my experience and knowledge of the NYC dance community has afforded dancing daughter countless opportunities. Lastly, when I awoke from cancer surgery I thought I was in Russia with my daughter’s ballet teacher. All I did for the next 3 days while in MSKCC was cry about my lost dance opportunities, but mostly about not being around to guide my then 11 year old dancing daughter. Now ,7 years later mission accomplished! Both daughters thriving as glorious artists.
Wendi, I think there is joy and fulfillment in providing for our children, what we didn’t have as a youth, but wanted so desperately. Right there with you! In addition to wanting to be a concert violinist and orchestra conductor in my youth, music education was a must for my girls, but turned out it really wasn’t not for them. My eldest had everything she needed, talent wise, to sit second chair violin in her youth orchestra and decided she decided to pursue clarinet in her high school, that had no string program. I found a professional clarinetist to teach her, who was associated with the adult symphony orchestra, and again she shined and could have sat first chair for the state Youth Symphony orchestra and decided to walk away from all of that. I thought I would lose my mind. Finally, I just had to say ok, I respect your choice. I’m so happy for you that you get to see your children enjoy and pursue their talents that you have lovingly provide and longed for yourself. Huge gift to them! Self-fulfillment arrives via many paths!
This is really not self fulfillment. It is a wish for my kids to be happy doing what they love. I am just along for the ride, and distraction from cancer.
Brilliant essay Lori, so well and consequently constructed. I wonder if it is necessary to suffer such dire loss in order to kick start all those dormant yet persistent dreams of years ago. I am 79, 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren, and have not managed even to pick up a paint brush, because when I have done the results were so discouraging, the artistic vein so clogged. Sigh. I admire yours and Suleika’s energy to prevail. To defy fate! Maybe I will attempt again. Thanks again.
Start wit low expectations and just play…play and see what brings you joy. Try different things. I’m no artist but I’m playing with “Sculptee” now bc of the isolation journals! I’m having fun and I just play when I’m on the phone…
Thank you, Alyson for sharing your thoughts. That’s so kind. And your advice is so good, not to have expectations but rather to seek joy. That’s the key isn’t it? I can remember as a child feeling joy when I grabbed my pencil and paper and started drawing houses. Houses houses houses of all shapes and forms. And this joy got squashed by random comments and art, teachers, and this joy got suffocated by an overwhelming husband, and I got in the habit of just not doing anything in the way of art. So looking back, I’m not really pleased with myself for not having stood up to obstacles and continued my rocky path.
But I have been blessed with good health, unlike Suleika, and I feel like a fool for not having pursued my art throughout the years, the many years. But as they say there’s no time like the present I swore this week I would paint a picture it’s already Thursday….
Betsy, do your best to remove doubt, to let your efforts be an expression of your inner self, your true, beautiful self. Look at what you do as a wonder, and try to be honest about what works, and develop that, and what doesn't work, and toss that aside. In my music, that's my aim: develop the phrases that work, that swing, and avoid the ones that don't. Try it.
Thanks Zan for sharing your experience. Time allocation has always been my problem. I’m very good at doing 1000 things and not getting down to the nitty gritty. I’ve been living in Portugal for seven years and spending an inordinate amount of time learning Portuguese. It was never my language of choice, but it’s been a necessity, so time-consuming. I already speak French in German …again, I feel like my path is being determined for me. Which boils down to my Inner most belief, like that of the Greek gods, that my fate has been determined. But I’m warming up to the idea of picking up my paint brushes and dusting them off and rekindling my love of painting, which has been lying dormant for a good 40 years. Thank you for your reply. Music is a gift! You are lucky to have it! Nurture it!
i love this bold and direct share of roads not taken---and have to admit that I am kind of stymied. Moving to a new city in my mid-seventies was quite frandly a bust- one that I have done my best to achieve balance- when I arrived- I looked for opened doors that addressed interests and dreams but they were closed-then came Covid- I am not unhappy-love my kitty./dog/plants/house and once outside the walkway --ok--however-- i have neighbors who simply refuse to make our way of entry safe-- so I guess what I plan to do after years of requesting is take it on myself.. so one day if you pass by you will see a woman of a certain age hammering away it is me...a call to action.
The path not taken? What immediately came to mind was what happened more than 50 years ago. I was out of high school, working at a local bank. One of my friends asked me to go on a blind date with a guy from the Air Force base in our area. He was a friend of the guy she was dating. I reluctantly agreed and was pleasantly surprised how nice he was and good looking. He felt the same way and we started dating when he could get away from the base. Sometimes he hitched a ride and then I took him back to the base. It was a 45 mile trip one way. He asked me to wear his ring and I was so happy to do so. But then things changed. He received orders for Viet Nam. It meant he was leaving, going home on leave, to Kentucky, then to Viet Nam. He asked me to quit my job and go to Kentucky, stay with his Mom, while he was in Viet Nam. I was 18, just was heartbroken because I knew I couldn’t do it. We said our goodbyes, exchanged a few letters, but then he ended the communication. I don’t know what happened to him but I believe we both know it was the right decision. I am a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I know I made the best choice for me every time I look at my family. I hope he has a wonderful life too.
Suleika, as usual, your words about your life gave me a different perspective on mine. I went to college late in life to fulfill a dream I'd had since my twenties. Once I graduated and was working in my "dream career" I got sidelined by health issues. I was able to continue, but not in the capacity I had imagined. What now? Well, until I read your words, I think I subconsciously knew the end of that season brought to this season, making art again...something I began during childhood, learning new things, and writing! but I didn't think of it in that way...a benefit of losing the other. Now I do....thank you! Thank you for Lori's words as well...I like that..."full-circle era."
I'm so glad you included photos! I too have been staring back at photos from my childhood and life, contemplating who I was/were/am. I am particularly fascinated by my 8 and 9 year old self - never smiling in a picture, always with attitude and sureness and a form of honesty that I think I have learned to hide away over the years and just play the role of wife, mother, daughter, etc...
I love that I never smiled! Sometimes I scowled but most of the time I just stared, openly, at that camera that someone then had to go get the film printed out and there it was. unfiltered. No quick or posed selfies or "proper angles". Just two photos. One of me in a yellow tee shirt, arms-crossed, hunched against my father's side - skinny and too lanky, scowling out from under crazy wild hair, dark circles around my deep set eyes. One of me caught off guard looking to the side while playing a card game with other kids, looking for all the world like I was about to pull one over on the others. I think I can circle back to some of that honesty and attitude, but maybe without all the scowling.
The message here is beautiful from you both Suleika and Lori. We never know what life will deliver to our doorsteps. I’ve created a toolbox of rituals in my life. I have never waited to use them- they are my “non negotiable” activities like teeth brushing I say.
Breath, movement and creativity, and they are pillars of our women’s circle ⭕️ that actually runs every year and is about to start up again today via zoom. I’m grateful for my health but like all of us fortunate enough to have not had any major crisis or interruptions, we take it for granted. I’m wishing everyone all the best and always read comments to your posts as they inspire me and help me with my gratitude, which is also a tool in that toolbox!
I was an actress in nyc later in life at age 35. I was old at that point but I wanted no regrets that I should’ve could’ve or would’ve. Couldn’t take rejection over the 10 years I was a NYC actress and left, but somehow, organically, my path led me to standup storytelling—I found my home! I create, write and perform stories from my life and I’m supposed to be here. Hello world! Hello beautiful Isolation Journals community!
Thanks for your reply, Sherri. I also love storytelling. I’m a Moth attendee and a story I told back in 2018 will be aired this week! There’s something so fun and immediate about live storytelling. Can I find your work anywhere?
Your words touch my heart ❤️. Thank you for giving those students permission to keep exploring. It took me until I was 40 to figure out I was a teacher. Once I did, I had a wonderful career with 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders for over 20 years. My career fed the little child I me who still wanted to explore, create, learn. Then cancer struck and I had a year of treatment and rest and pandemic! That caused me to change course, to take a road less traveled. I channeled my Nonnie and learned to knit 🧶. And for Christmas, I got a beautiful little paint set. My first project is “trees”. My skills are elementary, but my heart still longs to learn.
I identify with this piece completely. Throughout my life I kept looking backward at the path I didn’t take. I have since come to realize that whatever path we take there will be highs, lows, lessons learned and wonderful experiences. Now, in my 60’s, I returned to my first love and just published my first book. I feel whole again.
It is called “The Garden of Recycled Souls”. It is memoir that begins with a mysterious, ghostly experience I had while visiting Ireland and the journey I took over 18 months in an effort to logically explain and understand it. It took me to a place that was totally unexpected. I write under the name Lisa Claire Erbes. Thank you for asking.
Suleika. You always amaze me with your perseverance and cheerful spirit and determination to keep going no matter what. And the double bass too. You have so many talents. I was a music major in college and had to learn many instruments. I have always loved the double bass, especially in jazz. It was difficult for me. Those strings or wires were hard to hold down with my small hands. The violin was more suitable for me to learn and play. Your words are always loving and encouraging. Thank you for the beauty and serenity you bring to my life. ♥️
I suppose, like many people, I started with a career I chose to appease external sources and desires. My parents. Society. My bank account.
Now I’m vine-climbing my way toward a career that awakens my internal desires. Freelance writing, grad school for licensed mental health counseling, with my free time filled with art and gardening and crafts and naps.
I wasn’t built for the rat race, though I was convinced I wanted it for most of my life.
I think that has been the big lesson of my thirties. Excavating the layers of trauma and social conditioning… beneath the facade so carefully built to appease others, to find my soul and its beautiful desires, dirt-covered and firmly wedged in clay- and release it.
Indulge all the things we love. A choice, a beautiful choice. Yes to this. In my cancery life, this more than ever so naturally leaps up at me. I’m going to the opera for the first time in my 57 year old life on Friday. La Boheme at the Royal Opera House. Oh yes and I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. Bye bye cancer chat, hello unconventional wedding planning. We can take new paths. We are going to walk each other down the aisle. And I continue to write, write, write and it’s a release and joy. To live, truly live with stage 4 cancer. Thank you for this post Suleika and Lori across the pond. Beautiful photos. From London, England. 🪐
La Boheme on the way to your “unconventional” wedding…writing writing writing through the journey - my, you’re living the life ! Godspeed to you Mel. You’re an inspiration to us all. ❤️
Thank you Heather. We inspire one another here on the virtual couch in the virtual sitting room. Happy Sunday to you. 🤍
Congratulations and best wishes to you both! La Boheme was the first I saw (don't forget to take tissues!). Enjoy the Royal Opera House (slight envy) I've not been there...yet.
Thank you so much! Yes! Tissues! Can’t wait! Covent Garden feels so special. We are currently in a bubble of ohmygod we’re doing this… love! 🥰
SO excited for you, I remember some of the places I used to go to - yes, Covent Garden is magical!! Especially in the evening. (DM me if you'd like some ideas of where to eat/drink). BTW I'm caring for my Mum who has 2 cancers, 1 is lung. xo
I live in London so know my way around. 😚 Oh I wish your mum so much love and light. And to you as the carer. It’s so vital to us cancery folk to feel the love and patience and kindness. 🤍
Enjoy!!! My hubbie is in London right now!!
Thank you! Hope he likes cold sunny days!
Mazel tov on your engagement. To "truly live" that is the goal/dream.
Thank you. Yes it’s extraordinary how in some ways effortlessly I now access pure untainted action and interaction. There are rocky days, there are tears but really this too is of course truly living. Thank you so much for the congratulations. So kind. 🤍
We will! Thank you so much ☺️
Best wishes to you and your love ❤️ .
Thank you so much - received and returned. Across the pond. ⭐️
Yes to you to live your life with your challenges. I wish you both many blessings.
To us all; light and peace and hope. Always hope. ✨
Congratulations on your engagement! Enjoy the opera!
So kind! Thank you. Will probs weep! 😭
bless your soul, divine one! yes to you!
Why thank you Alix. Breathing in all the love. ❤️
Oh happy day. It is Sunday morning and I can once again open my Suleka email!
Since I was a child, I so wanted to know the mysteries of the universe, faith and the soul. After decades of searching, living in ashrams, doing yoga and meditating endless hours, talking to other religious and spiritual teachers, working as healthcare provider in underserved communities, living with a terminal but treatable cancer, I realized one day, I already knew the answers when I started all those years ago. I visit each day with love and kindness by feeding my backyard birds and loving my husband who retired from his dream job to spend what time I had left together enjoying each day.
Thank you Suleka and Lori for reminding me, I am not alone.
You are not alone, dear Hari. ❤️
Thank you! Another happy and loving day! And I promise to spell your name correctly going forward! 😘
Your opening comments, Hari. express exactly how I feel on Sunday. Oh, happy day! I look forward to Suleika’s emails each Sunday and I found myself going deeply into the prompts to find myself on the page.
I, too, look so forward to Sunday mornings. Today I woke myself at 4:30 a.m.!
Beautifully said Hari. The backyard birds. Your husband. Living is beautiful. Sending love.
This prompt was made for me. From childhood, I felt passion for art, music, philosophy, science and when I later learned things such as statistics, I loved the logic and numbers, too. Choosing a single path was painful. Choosing one thing over the others was so very painful.
It also became very lonely. I married a musician and not long after, I stopped playing gigs on the bass and started my next degree. By 35, I was solo parenting and working as an accountant.
I thought it was important for our family to have financial stability and I sacrificed my passion in order to support my husband's passion. When my marriage ended, I was now responsible for raising our child, and I was consumed with earning a living and being a provider. And I no longer had access to my group of friends - he kept the friends and I moved on in this weird and icky world of 9-5 with people who didn't seem to have any passions, much less too many. But I made friends there, too. (I had to dismantle harmful internalized ideas about patriarchy. I do believe my passions deserve to exist now, even though I am not a man)
Now I am retired and sick with cancer, and I am kinda living my best life. I have the resources (time and money) to meet my own needs and I am comfortable. I do put my needs first now - therapy paid off. As my energy improves and the brain fog diminishes, I feel the urge to write again. I even arranged a desk and it is ready for me when I pick up the pen.
Thank you for this gift. I so often feel as if my own life story and life choices make ZERO sense to other people. My first husband was successful enough to provide financial support in more recent years (He paid for her college! He paid for her wedding!) so my life did work out OK (so far! There is more to come.) Praying for you and your health. Sending love.
Reaching old age, and perhaps having regrets about not having pursued certain dreams, one thing stands out to me in your letter. You are pragmatic and have recognized priorities, and that is in itself amazing. Be proud. And good luck in your future path I wish you to be cancer free, healthy, and energetic to pursue your dreams. I understand I’m 79 myself. I’m wondering how that happened…
Thank you Betsy. I really appreciate your words - I feel seen and understood. I am proud of being practical and grateful for all that has brought me here to today.
So thank you for complimenting me on the hardest things I had to do.
Hi Robin, as a fellow retired person who has finally followed his life's core call while being an 80-year old cancer survivor, I feel what you said. We have to figure out a way to hang in here, pay the rent, while doing the things that are most important to us, that may not pay the rent but which pay the heart. And it sounds like you are doing that. So here's a well worn phrase that has been paid to me by some very important people to me: Keep doing what you're doing. Clearly, it's working.
Cheers,
Zan
Oh thank you Zan- sending a warm hug
Robin I can totally relate and LOVE that you have found some space for your writing and have done some therapy/counseling. I have lived along a similar path - though not retired just yet - living with a serious health issue and finding my way back to writing and to myself is a real Joy. I had years of brain fog so debilitating I couldn't even write a journal entry that wasn't entirely self-pitying and BORING to myself. There are no guarantees so enjoy the days of increased energy and just write!
it was such an open and honest post for me to share, so thank you for relating to my experience!! This community is special. We can see each other.
Robin, may your passions burst out in a panoply of color and light.
Robin, may you continue to spread your wings and soar….Brava.
Robin, thank you so much for this! Yesterday was a little overwhelming, seeing so many replies, so apologies for not responding earlier. I’m so glad you felt a connection to the prompt. Your path makes 100% sense! I feel like I’ve found a sisterhood throughout the ether of women who’ve sustained others and are now finding themselves. I hope life continues to open up for you and I can’t wait to read your writing! Sending love and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2025. ❤️
Thank you Lori! So nice to make your acquaintance and connect. I reread your piece multiple times and each time I got more out of it, so thank you ❤️
I guess I don't know how to post my comments. Help, please. ❤️
If you have your comments sorted by top or oldest first, any new comment that is not a reply will disappear.
If it is a reply, it will still sort itself under all the replies.
Sort by newest first to always see your newly entered comment.
Well you posted this one! 🤩
Yeah, Robin, but I don't know why I did. What button do I need to punch in my phone to make a post stay? Thanks and blessings.
I wish I were looking over your shoulder so I could see what you see. Sometimes you don’t see the whole screen and you need to scroll down. Right beneath this comment, I see a blue button Reply. When I click that, this comment will post.
I just wrote a response to your main response and there's a blue arrow at the side of the writing space which when I tap it several times, sometimes posts it, but sometimes doesn't. I'm in the hospital, recovering from neck surgery, and using my Android I have never really written on before, so I feel like a 15-year old at 80. Life is wild.
I hope what I wrote you shows up, but the gist was Keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing well in this strange white supremacist, male dominated world, so hang in there, you've definitely got people who have your back the best they can.
Sending love,
Zan ❤️
Your words warm me❤️
Oh you are darn right. Every single day counts. Too bad I’m just realizing that now that I’ve turned 79. It’s what the Germans call Torschlusspanik. Literally translated panic before the goal post, but you can figure out what it means. Wishing you cancer free years of creativity - sending my best wishes.
Hello All. Thank you Suleika for your share of your journey and how going back and forward is a beautiful way to be in the world. "With the forced interruption of illness all those years ago, I had to abandon the single path—and that has allowed for a plurality of passions and interests." And I loved Lori Tuker-Sullivan's writing. And found her book and ordered it. I have been a drummer and gave it up with the start of the pandemic and illness. Yesterday my husband and I ( and former bass player) took an online course from a fantastic drummer on African drumming. I was encouraged by you Suleika and this phenomenal group. Thank you
oh wow- African drumming sounds enticing. Enjoy!
Ever since I was a young kid, I have adored dance and theater. I trained for many years in both, but when it was time for college my corporate father demanded I major in nursing. A secure career path. That never came to fruition, majored in sociology, doing drugs, and hanging out with rock bands. When I moved back to NYC upon graduation, I starting dancing again, loving every second of it. My mom was all in, but my dad refused to recognize my talent, and this broke my heart. Fast forward, my husband and I adopted two daughters from Vietnam. Both have blossomed into incredible artists. I promised , while they were growing up ,I would never stifle their creativity like my dad did to me. One daughter is now a visual artist, and the other daughter is a dancer. Although, I no longer dance, my experience and knowledge of the NYC dance community has afforded dancing daughter countless opportunities. Lastly, when I awoke from cancer surgery I thought I was in Russia with my daughter’s ballet teacher. All I did for the next 3 days while in MSKCC was cry about my lost dance opportunities, but mostly about not being around to guide my then 11 year old dancing daughter. Now ,7 years later mission accomplished! Both daughters thriving as glorious artists.
What an incredible series of full-circle moments. ❤️
Suleika, thank you for responding.❤️ You have inspired me in countless ways.
Wendi, may I be so bold as to suggest...that you dance.
Ha,Ha still do at home, and in my head!
Wendi, I think there is joy and fulfillment in providing for our children, what we didn’t have as a youth, but wanted so desperately. Right there with you! In addition to wanting to be a concert violinist and orchestra conductor in my youth, music education was a must for my girls, but turned out it really wasn’t not for them. My eldest had everything she needed, talent wise, to sit second chair violin in her youth orchestra and decided she decided to pursue clarinet in her high school, that had no string program. I found a professional clarinetist to teach her, who was associated with the adult symphony orchestra, and again she shined and could have sat first chair for the state Youth Symphony orchestra and decided to walk away from all of that. I thought I would lose my mind. Finally, I just had to say ok, I respect your choice. I’m so happy for you that you get to see your children enjoy and pursue their talents that you have lovingly provide and longed for yourself. Huge gift to them! Self-fulfillment arrives via many paths!
This is really not self fulfillment. It is a wish for my kids to be happy doing what they love. I am just along for the ride, and distraction from cancer.
Thank you for that. Wishing you many more distractions that are meaningful.
Brilliant essay Lori, so well and consequently constructed. I wonder if it is necessary to suffer such dire loss in order to kick start all those dormant yet persistent dreams of years ago. I am 79, 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren, and have not managed even to pick up a paint brush, because when I have done the results were so discouraging, the artistic vein so clogged. Sigh. I admire yours and Suleika’s energy to prevail. To defy fate! Maybe I will attempt again. Thanks again.
Start wit low expectations and just play…play and see what brings you joy. Try different things. I’m no artist but I’m playing with “Sculptee” now bc of the isolation journals! I’m having fun and I just play when I’m on the phone…
You will find the small thing…
Thank you, Alyson for sharing your thoughts. That’s so kind. And your advice is so good, not to have expectations but rather to seek joy. That’s the key isn’t it? I can remember as a child feeling joy when I grabbed my pencil and paper and started drawing houses. Houses houses houses of all shapes and forms. And this joy got squashed by random comments and art, teachers, and this joy got suffocated by an overwhelming husband, and I got in the habit of just not doing anything in the way of art. So looking back, I’m not really pleased with myself for not having stood up to obstacles and continued my rocky path.
But I have been blessed with good health, unlike Suleika, and I feel like a fool for not having pursued my art throughout the years, the many years. But as they say there’s no time like the present I swore this week I would paint a picture it’s already Thursday….
Betsy, do your best to remove doubt, to let your efforts be an expression of your inner self, your true, beautiful self. Look at what you do as a wonder, and try to be honest about what works, and develop that, and what doesn't work, and toss that aside. In my music, that's my aim: develop the phrases that work, that swing, and avoid the ones that don't. Try it.
Zan
Thanks Zan for sharing your experience. Time allocation has always been my problem. I’m very good at doing 1000 things and not getting down to the nitty gritty. I’ve been living in Portugal for seven years and spending an inordinate amount of time learning Portuguese. It was never my language of choice, but it’s been a necessity, so time-consuming. I already speak French in German …again, I feel like my path is being determined for me. Which boils down to my Inner most belief, like that of the Greek gods, that my fate has been determined. But I’m warming up to the idea of picking up my paint brushes and dusting them off and rekindling my love of painting, which has been lying dormant for a good 40 years. Thank you for your reply. Music is a gift! You are lucky to have it! Nurture it!
i love this bold and direct share of roads not taken---and have to admit that I am kind of stymied. Moving to a new city in my mid-seventies was quite frandly a bust- one that I have done my best to achieve balance- when I arrived- I looked for opened doors that addressed interests and dreams but they were closed-then came Covid- I am not unhappy-love my kitty./dog/plants/house and once outside the walkway --ok--however-- i have neighbors who simply refuse to make our way of entry safe-- so I guess what I plan to do after years of requesting is take it on myself.. so one day if you pass by you will see a woman of a certain age hammering away it is me...a call to action.
Mae - You go Girl!!
The path not taken? What immediately came to mind was what happened more than 50 years ago. I was out of high school, working at a local bank. One of my friends asked me to go on a blind date with a guy from the Air Force base in our area. He was a friend of the guy she was dating. I reluctantly agreed and was pleasantly surprised how nice he was and good looking. He felt the same way and we started dating when he could get away from the base. Sometimes he hitched a ride and then I took him back to the base. It was a 45 mile trip one way. He asked me to wear his ring and I was so happy to do so. But then things changed. He received orders for Viet Nam. It meant he was leaving, going home on leave, to Kentucky, then to Viet Nam. He asked me to quit my job and go to Kentucky, stay with his Mom, while he was in Viet Nam. I was 18, just was heartbroken because I knew I couldn’t do it. We said our goodbyes, exchanged a few letters, but then he ended the communication. I don’t know what happened to him but I believe we both know it was the right decision. I am a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I know I made the best choice for me every time I look at my family. I hope he has a wonderful life too.
Suleika, as usual, your words about your life gave me a different perspective on mine. I went to college late in life to fulfill a dream I'd had since my twenties. Once I graduated and was working in my "dream career" I got sidelined by health issues. I was able to continue, but not in the capacity I had imagined. What now? Well, until I read your words, I think I subconsciously knew the end of that season brought to this season, making art again...something I began during childhood, learning new things, and writing! but I didn't think of it in that way...a benefit of losing the other. Now I do....thank you! Thank you for Lori's words as well...I like that..."full-circle era."
I'm so glad you included photos! I too have been staring back at photos from my childhood and life, contemplating who I was/were/am. I am particularly fascinated by my 8 and 9 year old self - never smiling in a picture, always with attitude and sureness and a form of honesty that I think I have learned to hide away over the years and just play the role of wife, mother, daughter, etc...
I love that I never smiled! Sometimes I scowled but most of the time I just stared, openly, at that camera that someone then had to go get the film printed out and there it was. unfiltered. No quick or posed selfies or "proper angles". Just two photos. One of me in a yellow tee shirt, arms-crossed, hunched against my father's side - skinny and too lanky, scowling out from under crazy wild hair, dark circles around my deep set eyes. One of me caught off guard looking to the side while playing a card game with other kids, looking for all the world like I was about to pull one over on the others. I think I can circle back to some of that honesty and attitude, but maybe without all the scowling.
The message here is beautiful from you both Suleika and Lori. We never know what life will deliver to our doorsteps. I’ve created a toolbox of rituals in my life. I have never waited to use them- they are my “non negotiable” activities like teeth brushing I say.
Breath, movement and creativity, and they are pillars of our women’s circle ⭕️ that actually runs every year and is about to start up again today via zoom. I’m grateful for my health but like all of us fortunate enough to have not had any major crisis or interruptions, we take it for granted. I’m wishing everyone all the best and always read comments to your posts as they inspire me and help me with my gratitude, which is also a tool in that toolbox!
Thank you for your wishes and love the sound of your women’s circle. 🪐
I was an actress in nyc later in life at age 35. I was old at that point but I wanted no regrets that I should’ve could’ve or would’ve. Couldn’t take rejection over the 10 years I was a NYC actress and left, but somehow, organically, my path led me to standup storytelling—I found my home! I create, write and perform stories from my life and I’m supposed to be here. Hello world! Hello beautiful Isolation Journals community!
Thanks for your reply, Sherri. I also love storytelling. I’m a Moth attendee and a story I told back in 2018 will be aired this week! There’s something so fun and immediate about live storytelling. Can I find your work anywhere?
Wonderful. Please send me link to your story. I’m on you tube under Sherri Rosen storytelling
Your words touch my heart ❤️. Thank you for giving those students permission to keep exploring. It took me until I was 40 to figure out I was a teacher. Once I did, I had a wonderful career with 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders for over 20 years. My career fed the little child I me who still wanted to explore, create, learn. Then cancer struck and I had a year of treatment and rest and pandemic! That caused me to change course, to take a road less traveled. I channeled my Nonnie and learned to knit 🧶. And for Christmas, I got a beautiful little paint set. My first project is “trees”. My skills are elementary, but my heart still longs to learn.
I identify with this piece completely. Throughout my life I kept looking backward at the path I didn’t take. I have since come to realize that whatever path we take there will be highs, lows, lessons learned and wonderful experiences. Now, in my 60’s, I returned to my first love and just published my first book. I feel whole again.
Thanks for this, Lisa. I’d love to know about your book!
It is called “The Garden of Recycled Souls”. It is memoir that begins with a mysterious, ghostly experience I had while visiting Ireland and the journey I took over 18 months in an effort to logically explain and understand it. It took me to a place that was totally unexpected. I write under the name Lisa Claire Erbes. Thank you for asking.
Just bought it!
Thank you! I hope you like it.
Whatever path we take there will be highs, lows, lessons learned and wonderful experiences.
That is a powerful thought. Thank you.
Suleika. You always amaze me with your perseverance and cheerful spirit and determination to keep going no matter what. And the double bass too. You have so many talents. I was a music major in college and had to learn many instruments. I have always loved the double bass, especially in jazz. It was difficult for me. Those strings or wires were hard to hold down with my small hands. The violin was more suitable for me to learn and play. Your words are always loving and encouraging. Thank you for the beauty and serenity you bring to my life. ♥️
This was such a great prompt!
I suppose, like many people, I started with a career I chose to appease external sources and desires. My parents. Society. My bank account.
Now I’m vine-climbing my way toward a career that awakens my internal desires. Freelance writing, grad school for licensed mental health counseling, with my free time filled with art and gardening and crafts and naps.
I wasn’t built for the rat race, though I was convinced I wanted it for most of my life.
I think that has been the big lesson of my thirties. Excavating the layers of trauma and social conditioning… beneath the facade so carefully built to appease others, to find my soul and its beautiful desires, dirt-covered and firmly wedged in clay- and release it.