Indulge all the things we love. A choice, a beautiful choice. Yes to this. In my cancery life, this more than ever so naturally leaps up at me. I’m going to the opera for the first time in my 57 year old life on Friday. La Boheme at the Royal Opera House. Oh yes and I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. Bye bye cancer chat, hello unconventional wedding planning. We can take new paths. We are going to walk each other down the aisle. And I continue to write, write, write and it’s a release and joy. To live, truly live with stage 4 cancer. Thank you for this post Suleika and Lori across the pond. Beautiful photos. From London, England. 🪐
Congratulations and best wishes to you both! La Boheme was the first I saw (don't forget to take tissues!). Enjoy the Royal Opera House (slight envy) I've not been there...yet.
SO excited for you, I remember some of the places I used to go to - yes, Covent Garden is magical!! Especially in the evening. (DM me if you'd like some ideas of where to eat/drink). BTW I'm caring for my Mum who has 2 cancers, 1 is lung. xo
I live in London so know my way around. 😚 Oh I wish your mum so much love and light. And to you as the carer. It’s so vital to us cancery folk to feel the love and patience and kindness. 🤍
La Boheme on the way to your “unconventional” wedding…writing writing writing through the journey - my, you’re living the life ! Godspeed to you Mel. You’re an inspiration to us all. ❤️
Oh happy day. It is Sunday morning and I can once again open my Suleka email!
Since I was a child, I so wanted to know the mysteries of the universe, faith and the soul. After decades of searching, living in ashrams, doing yoga and meditating endless hours, talking to other religious and spiritual teachers, working as healthcare provider in underserved communities, living with a terminal but treatable cancer, I realized one day, I already knew the answers when I started all those years ago. I visit each day with love and kindness by feeding my backyard birds and loving my husband who retired from his dream job to spend what time I had left together enjoying each day.
Thank you Suleka and Lori for reminding me, I am not alone.
Your opening comments, Hari. express exactly how I feel on Sunday. Oh, happy day! I look forward to Suleika’s emails each Sunday and I found myself going deeply into the prompts to find myself on the page.
This prompt was made for me. From childhood, I felt passion for art, music, philosophy, science and when I later learned things such as statistics, I loved the logic and numbers, too. Choosing a single path was painful. Choosing one thing over the others was so very painful.
It also became very lonely. I married a musician and not long after, I stopped playing gigs on the bass and started my next degree. By 35, I was solo parenting and working as an accountant.
I thought it was important for our family to have financial stability and I sacrificed my passion in order to support my husband's passion. When my marriage ended, I was now responsible for raising our child, and I was consumed with earning a living and being a provider. And I no longer had access to my group of friends - he kept the friends and I moved on in this weird and icky world of 9-5 with people who didn't seem to have any passions, much less too many. But I made friends there, too. (I had to dismantle harmful internalized ideas about patriarchy. I do believe my passions deserve to exist now, even though I am not a man)
Now I am retired and sick with cancer, and I am kinda living my best life. I have the resources (time and money) to meet my own needs and I am comfortable. I do put my needs first now - therapy paid off. As my energy improves and the brain fog diminishes, I feel the urge to write again. I even arranged a desk and it is ready for me when I pick up the pen.
Thank you for this gift. I so often feel as if my own life story and life choices make ZERO sense to other people. My first husband was successful enough to provide financial support in more recent years (He paid for her college! He paid for her wedding!) so my life did work out OK (so far! There is more to come.) Praying for you and your health. Sending love.
Caroline, reaching old age, and perhaps having regrets about not having pursued certain dreams, one thing stands out to me in your letter. You are pragmatic and have recognized priorities, and that is in itself amazing. Be proud. And good luck in your future path I wish you to be cancer free, healthy, and energetic to pursue your dreams. I understand I’m 79 myself. I’m wondering how that happened…
Thank you Betsy. I really appreciate your words - I feel seen and understood. I am proud of being practical and grateful for all that has brought me here to today.
So thank you for complimenting me on the hardest things I had to do.
Hi Robin, as a fellow retired person who has finally followed his life's core call while being an 80-year old cancer survivor, I feel what you said. We have to figure out a way to hang in here, pay the rent, while doing the things that are most important to us, that may not pay the rent but which pay the heart. And it sounds like you are doing that. So here's a well worn phrase that has been paid to me by some very important people to me: Keep doing what you're doing. Clearly, it's working.
Robin I can totally relate and LOVE that you have found some space for your writing and have done some therapy/counseling. I have lived along a similar path - though not retired just yet - living with a serious health issue and finding my way back to writing and to myself is a real Joy. I had years of brain fog so debilitating I couldn't even write a journal entry that wasn't entirely self-pitying and BORING to myself. There are no guarantees so enjoy the days of increased energy and just write!
I wish I were looking over your shoulder so I could see what you see. Sometimes you don’t see the whole screen and you need to scroll down. Right beneath this comment, I see a blue button Reply. When I click that, this comment will post.
I just wrote a response to your main response and there's a blue arrow at the side of the writing space which when I tap it several times, sometimes posts it, but sometimes doesn't. I'm in the hospital, recovering from neck surgery, and using my Android I have never really written on before, so I feel like a 15-year old at 80. Life is wild.
I hope what I wrote you shows up, but the gist was Keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing well in this strange white supremacist, male dominated world, so hang in there, you've definitely got people who have your back the best they can.
i love this bold and direct share of roads not taken---and have to admit that I am kind of stymied. Moving to a new city in my mid-seventies was quite frandly a bust- one that I have done my best to achieve balance- when I arrived- I looked for opened doors that addressed interests and dreams but they were closed-then came Covid- I am not unhappy-love my kitty./dog/plants/house and once outside the walkway --ok--however-- i have neighbors who simply refuse to make our way of entry safe-- so I guess what I plan to do after years of requesting is take it on myself.. so one day if you pass by you will see a woman of a certain age hammering away it is me...a call to action.
Ever since I was a young kid, I have adored dance and theater. I trained for many years in both, but when it was time for college my corporate father demanded I major in nursing. A secure career path. That never came to fruition, majored in sociology, doing drugs, and hanging out with rock bands. When I moved back to NYC upon graduation, I starting dancing again, loving every second of it. My mom was all in, but my dad refused to recognize my talent, and this broke my heart. Fast forward, my husband and I adopted two daughters from Vietnam. Both have blossomed into incredible artists. I promised , while they were growing up ,I would never stifle their creativity like my dad did to me. One daughter is now a visual artist, and the other daughter is a dancer. Although, I no longer dance, my experience and knowledge of the NYC dance community has afforded dancing daughter countless opportunities. Lastly, when I awoke from cancer surgery I thought I was in Russia with my daughter’s ballet teacher. All I did for the next 3 days while in MSKCC was cry about my lost dance opportunities, but mostly about not being around to guide my then 11 year old dancing daughter. Now ,7 years later mission accomplished! Both daughters thriving as glorious artists.
Hello All. Thank you Suleika for your share of your journey and how going back and forward is a beautiful way to be in the world. "With the forced interruption of illness all those years ago, I had to abandon the single path—and that has allowed for a plurality of passions and interests." And I loved Lori Tuker-Sullivan's writing. And found her book and ordered it. I have been a drummer and gave it up with the start of the pandemic and illness. Yesterday my husband and I ( and former bass player) took an online course from a fantastic drummer on African drumming. I was encouraged by you Suleika and this phenomenal group. Thank you
Brilliant essay Lori, so well and consequently constructed. I wonder if it is necessary to suffer such dire loss in order to kick start all those dormant yet persistent dreams of years ago. I am 79, 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren, and have not managed even to pick up a paint brush, because when I have done the results were so discouraging, the artistic vein so clogged. Sigh. I admire yours and Suleika’s energy to prevail. To defy fate! Maybe I will attempt again. Thanks again.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really believe that sometimes it’s the hardest experiences that push us to rediscover parts of ourselves we thought were lost. It’s never too late to start again, and even the smallest step can unlock something beautiful. Please don’t be discouraged by past attempts it’s all part of the journey, and sometimes the process is just as important as the result. I truly believe your creativity is still there, waiting to be rediscovered. I’m cheering you on as you take that next step!
Start wit low expectations and just play…play and see what brings you joy. Try different things. I’m no artist but I’m playing with “Sculptee” now bc of the isolation journals! I’m having fun and I just play when I’m on the phone…
Betsy, do your best to remove doubt, to let your efforts be an expression of your inner self, your true, beautiful self. Look at what you do as a wonder, and try to be honest about what works, and develop that, and what doesn't work, and toss that aside. In my music, that's my aim: develop the phrases that work, that swing, and avoid the ones that don't. Try it.
The path not taken? What immediately came to mind was what happened more than 50 years ago. I was out of high school, working at a local bank. One of my friends asked me to go on a blind date with a guy from the Air Force base in our area. He was a friend of the guy she was dating. I reluctantly agreed and was pleasantly surprised how nice he was and good looking. He felt the same way and we started dating when he could get away from the base. Sometimes he hitched a ride and then I took him back to the base. It was a 45 mile trip one way. He asked me to wear his ring and I was so happy to do so. But then things changed. He received orders for Viet Nam. It meant he was leaving, going home on leave, to Kentucky, then to Viet Nam. He asked me to quit my job and go to Kentucky, stay with his Mom, while he was in Viet Nam. I was 18, just was heartbroken because I knew I couldn’t do it. We said our goodbyes, exchanged a few letters, but then he ended the communication. I don’t know what happened to him but I believe we both know it was the right decision. I am a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I know I made the best choice for me every time I look at my family. I hope he has a wonderful life too.
Suleika, as usual, your words about your life gave me a different perspective on mine. I went to college late in life to fulfill a dream I'd had since my twenties. Once I graduated and was working in my "dream career" I got sidelined by health issues. I was able to continue, but not in the capacity I had imagined. What now? Well, until I read your words, I think I subconsciously knew the end of that season brought to this season, making art again...something I began during childhood, learning new things, and writing! but I didn't think of it in that way...a benefit of losing the other. Now I do....thank you! Thank you for Lori's words as well...I like that..."full-circle era."
I'm so glad you included photos! I too have been staring back at photos from my childhood and life, contemplating who I was/were/am. I am particularly fascinated by my 8 and 9 year old self - never smiling in a picture, always with attitude and sureness and a form of honesty that I think I have learned to hide away over the years and just play the role of wife, mother, daughter, etc...
I love that I never smiled! Sometimes I scowled but most of the time I just stared, openly, at that camera that someone then had to go get the film printed out and there it was. unfiltered. No quick or posed selfies or "proper angles". Just two photos. One of me in a yellow tee shirt, arms-crossed, hunched against my father's side - skinny and too lanky, scowling out from under crazy wild hair, dark circles around my deep set eyes. One of me caught off guard looking to the side while playing a card game with other kids, looking for all the world like I was about to pull one over on the others. I think I can circle back to some of that honesty and attitude, but maybe without all the scowling.
Suleika. You always amaze me with your perseverance and cheerful spirit and determination to keep going no matter what. And the double bass too. You have so many talents. I was a music major in college and had to learn many instruments. I have always loved the double bass, especially in jazz. It was difficult for me. Those strings or wires were hard to hold down with my small hands. The violin was more suitable for me to learn and play. Your words are always loving and encouraging. Thank you for the beauty and serenity you bring to my life. ♥️
The message here is beautiful from you both Suleika and Lori. We never know what life will deliver to our doorsteps. I’ve created a toolbox of rituals in my life. I have never waited to use them- they are my “non negotiable” activities like teeth brushing I say.
Breath, movement and creativity, and they are pillars of our women’s circle ⭕️ that actually runs every year and is about to start up again today via zoom. I’m grateful for my health but like all of us fortunate enough to have not had any major crisis or interruptions, we take it for granted. I’m wishing everyone all the best and always read comments to your posts as they inspire me and help me with my gratitude, which is also a tool in that toolbox!
I identify with this piece completely. Throughout my life I kept looking backward at the path I didn’t take. I have since come to realize that whatever path we take there will be highs, lows, lessons learned and wonderful experiences. Now, in my 60’s, I returned to my first love and just published my first book. I feel whole again.
I was an actress in nyc later in life at age 35. I was old at that point but I wanted no regrets that I should’ve could’ve or would’ve. Couldn’t take rejection over the 10 years I was a NYC actress and left, but somehow, organically, my path led me to standup storytelling—I found my home! I create, write and perform stories from my life and I’m supposed to be here. Hello world! Hello beautiful Isolation Journals community!
Thank you both for your wise words. For seven decades I pursued various interests from studying music and Buddhism, getting an MSW, working in the arts and business and education. Everything came together in some form or another when I wrote and published my memoir—a full circle indeed. Sometimes I wish I had picked one lane to become an “expert” but now I realize how important it was for me to experience each and every path. Now that my husband has cancer and is about to have a stem cell transplant, I’m following your journey closely, Suleika, and gaining so much from your honesty, generosity and insight. Sending love.
Hi Ann! I particularly love your line, "now I realize how important it was for me to experience each and every path." This resonates deeply. Though many of my careers didn't align with who I am internally, I learned a lot from them and have been able to carry that wisdom forward. And amazing that you published a memoir!!
Your words touch my heart ❤️. Thank you for giving those students permission to keep exploring. It took me until I was 40 to figure out I was a teacher. Once I did, I had a wonderful career with 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders for over 20 years. My career fed the little child I me who still wanted to explore, create, learn. Then cancer struck and I had a year of treatment and rest and pandemic! That caused me to change course, to take a road less traveled. I channeled my Nonnie and learned to knit 🧶. And for Christmas, I got a beautiful little paint set. My first project is “trees”. My skills are elementary, but my heart still longs to learn.
Indulge all the things we love. A choice, a beautiful choice. Yes to this. In my cancery life, this more than ever so naturally leaps up at me. I’m going to the opera for the first time in my 57 year old life on Friday. La Boheme at the Royal Opera House. Oh yes and I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. Bye bye cancer chat, hello unconventional wedding planning. We can take new paths. We are going to walk each other down the aisle. And I continue to write, write, write and it’s a release and joy. To live, truly live with stage 4 cancer. Thank you for this post Suleika and Lori across the pond. Beautiful photos. From London, England. 🪐
Congratulations and best wishes to you both! La Boheme was the first I saw (don't forget to take tissues!). Enjoy the Royal Opera House (slight envy) I've not been there...yet.
Thank you so much! Yes! Tissues! Can’t wait! Covent Garden feels so special. We are currently in a bubble of ohmygod we’re doing this… love! 🥰
SO excited for you, I remember some of the places I used to go to - yes, Covent Garden is magical!! Especially in the evening. (DM me if you'd like some ideas of where to eat/drink). BTW I'm caring for my Mum who has 2 cancers, 1 is lung. xo
I live in London so know my way around. 😚 Oh I wish your mum so much love and light. And to you as the carer. It’s so vital to us cancery folk to feel the love and patience and kindness. 🤍
Enjoy!!! My hubbie is in London right now!!
Thank you! Hope he likes cold sunny days!
La Boheme on the way to your “unconventional” wedding…writing writing writing through the journey - my, you’re living the life ! Godspeed to you Mel. You’re an inspiration to us all. ❤️
Thank you Heather. We inspire one another here on the virtual couch in the virtual sitting room. Happy Sunday to you. 🤍
Best wishes to you and your love ❤️ .
Thank you so much - received and returned. Across the pond. ⭐️
Oh happy day. It is Sunday morning and I can once again open my Suleka email!
Since I was a child, I so wanted to know the mysteries of the universe, faith and the soul. After decades of searching, living in ashrams, doing yoga and meditating endless hours, talking to other religious and spiritual teachers, working as healthcare provider in underserved communities, living with a terminal but treatable cancer, I realized one day, I already knew the answers when I started all those years ago. I visit each day with love and kindness by feeding my backyard birds and loving my husband who retired from his dream job to spend what time I had left together enjoying each day.
Thank you Suleka and Lori for reminding me, I am not alone.
Your opening comments, Hari. express exactly how I feel on Sunday. Oh, happy day! I look forward to Suleika’s emails each Sunday and I found myself going deeply into the prompts to find myself on the page.
I, too, look so forward to Sunday mornings. Today I woke myself at 4:30 a.m.!
Beautifully said Hari. The backyard birds. Your husband. Living is beautiful. Sending love.
This prompt was made for me. From childhood, I felt passion for art, music, philosophy, science and when I later learned things such as statistics, I loved the logic and numbers, too. Choosing a single path was painful. Choosing one thing over the others was so very painful.
It also became very lonely. I married a musician and not long after, I stopped playing gigs on the bass and started my next degree. By 35, I was solo parenting and working as an accountant.
I thought it was important for our family to have financial stability and I sacrificed my passion in order to support my husband's passion. When my marriage ended, I was now responsible for raising our child, and I was consumed with earning a living and being a provider. And I no longer had access to my group of friends - he kept the friends and I moved on in this weird and icky world of 9-5 with people who didn't seem to have any passions, much less too many. But I made friends there, too. (I had to dismantle harmful internalized ideas about patriarchy. I do believe my passions deserve to exist now, even though I am not a man)
Now I am retired and sick with cancer, and I am kinda living my best life. I have the resources (time and money) to meet my own needs and I am comfortable. I do put my needs first now - therapy paid off. As my energy improves and the brain fog diminishes, I feel the urge to write again. I even arranged a desk and it is ready for me when I pick up the pen.
Thank you for this gift. I so often feel as if my own life story and life choices make ZERO sense to other people. My first husband was successful enough to provide financial support in more recent years (He paid for her college! He paid for her wedding!) so my life did work out OK (so far! There is more to come.) Praying for you and your health. Sending love.
Caroline, reaching old age, and perhaps having regrets about not having pursued certain dreams, one thing stands out to me in your letter. You are pragmatic and have recognized priorities, and that is in itself amazing. Be proud. And good luck in your future path I wish you to be cancer free, healthy, and energetic to pursue your dreams. I understand I’m 79 myself. I’m wondering how that happened…
Thank you Betsy. I really appreciate your words - I feel seen and understood. I am proud of being practical and grateful for all that has brought me here to today.
So thank you for complimenting me on the hardest things I had to do.
Hi Robin, as a fellow retired person who has finally followed his life's core call while being an 80-year old cancer survivor, I feel what you said. We have to figure out a way to hang in here, pay the rent, while doing the things that are most important to us, that may not pay the rent but which pay the heart. And it sounds like you are doing that. So here's a well worn phrase that has been paid to me by some very important people to me: Keep doing what you're doing. Clearly, it's working.
Cheers,
Zan
Oh thank you Zan- sending a warm hug
Robin, may your passions burst out in a panoply of color and light.
Robin, may you continue to spread your wings and soar….Brava.
Robin I can totally relate and LOVE that you have found some space for your writing and have done some therapy/counseling. I have lived along a similar path - though not retired just yet - living with a serious health issue and finding my way back to writing and to myself is a real Joy. I had years of brain fog so debilitating I couldn't even write a journal entry that wasn't entirely self-pitying and BORING to myself. There are no guarantees so enjoy the days of increased energy and just write!
it was such an open and honest post for me to share, so thank you for relating to my experience!! This community is special. We can see each other.
I guess I don't know how to post my comments. Help, please. ❤️
Well you posted this one! 🤩
Yeah, Robin, but I don't know why I did. What button do I need to punch in my phone to make a post stay? Thanks and blessings.
I wish I were looking over your shoulder so I could see what you see. Sometimes you don’t see the whole screen and you need to scroll down. Right beneath this comment, I see a blue button Reply. When I click that, this comment will post.
I just wrote a response to your main response and there's a blue arrow at the side of the writing space which when I tap it several times, sometimes posts it, but sometimes doesn't. I'm in the hospital, recovering from neck surgery, and using my Android I have never really written on before, so I feel like a 15-year old at 80. Life is wild.
I hope what I wrote you shows up, but the gist was Keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing well in this strange white supremacist, male dominated world, so hang in there, you've definitely got people who have your back the best they can.
Sending love,
Zan ❤️
Your words warm me❤️
i love this bold and direct share of roads not taken---and have to admit that I am kind of stymied. Moving to a new city in my mid-seventies was quite frandly a bust- one that I have done my best to achieve balance- when I arrived- I looked for opened doors that addressed interests and dreams but they were closed-then came Covid- I am not unhappy-love my kitty./dog/plants/house and once outside the walkway --ok--however-- i have neighbors who simply refuse to make our way of entry safe-- so I guess what I plan to do after years of requesting is take it on myself.. so one day if you pass by you will see a woman of a certain age hammering away it is me...a call to action.
Mae - You go Girl!!
Ever since I was a young kid, I have adored dance and theater. I trained for many years in both, but when it was time for college my corporate father demanded I major in nursing. A secure career path. That never came to fruition, majored in sociology, doing drugs, and hanging out with rock bands. When I moved back to NYC upon graduation, I starting dancing again, loving every second of it. My mom was all in, but my dad refused to recognize my talent, and this broke my heart. Fast forward, my husband and I adopted two daughters from Vietnam. Both have blossomed into incredible artists. I promised , while they were growing up ,I would never stifle their creativity like my dad did to me. One daughter is now a visual artist, and the other daughter is a dancer. Although, I no longer dance, my experience and knowledge of the NYC dance community has afforded dancing daughter countless opportunities. Lastly, when I awoke from cancer surgery I thought I was in Russia with my daughter’s ballet teacher. All I did for the next 3 days while in MSKCC was cry about my lost dance opportunities, but mostly about not being around to guide my then 11 year old dancing daughter. Now ,7 years later mission accomplished! Both daughters thriving as glorious artists.
Wendi, may I be so bold as to suggest...that you dance.
Ha,Ha still do at home, and in my head!
Hello All. Thank you Suleika for your share of your journey and how going back and forward is a beautiful way to be in the world. "With the forced interruption of illness all those years ago, I had to abandon the single path—and that has allowed for a plurality of passions and interests." And I loved Lori Tuker-Sullivan's writing. And found her book and ordered it. I have been a drummer and gave it up with the start of the pandemic and illness. Yesterday my husband and I ( and former bass player) took an online course from a fantastic drummer on African drumming. I was encouraged by you Suleika and this phenomenal group. Thank you
oh wow- African drumming sounds enticing. Enjoy!
Brilliant essay Lori, so well and consequently constructed. I wonder if it is necessary to suffer such dire loss in order to kick start all those dormant yet persistent dreams of years ago. I am 79, 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren, and have not managed even to pick up a paint brush, because when I have done the results were so discouraging, the artistic vein so clogged. Sigh. I admire yours and Suleika’s energy to prevail. To defy fate! Maybe I will attempt again. Thanks again.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really believe that sometimes it’s the hardest experiences that push us to rediscover parts of ourselves we thought were lost. It’s never too late to start again, and even the smallest step can unlock something beautiful. Please don’t be discouraged by past attempts it’s all part of the journey, and sometimes the process is just as important as the result. I truly believe your creativity is still there, waiting to be rediscovered. I’m cheering you on as you take that next step!
Start wit low expectations and just play…play and see what brings you joy. Try different things. I’m no artist but I’m playing with “Sculptee” now bc of the isolation journals! I’m having fun and I just play when I’m on the phone…
You will find the small thing…
Betsy, do your best to remove doubt, to let your efforts be an expression of your inner self, your true, beautiful self. Look at what you do as a wonder, and try to be honest about what works, and develop that, and what doesn't work, and toss that aside. In my music, that's my aim: develop the phrases that work, that swing, and avoid the ones that don't. Try it.
Zan
The path not taken? What immediately came to mind was what happened more than 50 years ago. I was out of high school, working at a local bank. One of my friends asked me to go on a blind date with a guy from the Air Force base in our area. He was a friend of the guy she was dating. I reluctantly agreed and was pleasantly surprised how nice he was and good looking. He felt the same way and we started dating when he could get away from the base. Sometimes he hitched a ride and then I took him back to the base. It was a 45 mile trip one way. He asked me to wear his ring and I was so happy to do so. But then things changed. He received orders for Viet Nam. It meant he was leaving, going home on leave, to Kentucky, then to Viet Nam. He asked me to quit my job and go to Kentucky, stay with his Mom, while he was in Viet Nam. I was 18, just was heartbroken because I knew I couldn’t do it. We said our goodbyes, exchanged a few letters, but then he ended the communication. I don’t know what happened to him but I believe we both know it was the right decision. I am a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I know I made the best choice for me every time I look at my family. I hope he has a wonderful life too.
Suleika, as usual, your words about your life gave me a different perspective on mine. I went to college late in life to fulfill a dream I'd had since my twenties. Once I graduated and was working in my "dream career" I got sidelined by health issues. I was able to continue, but not in the capacity I had imagined. What now? Well, until I read your words, I think I subconsciously knew the end of that season brought to this season, making art again...something I began during childhood, learning new things, and writing! but I didn't think of it in that way...a benefit of losing the other. Now I do....thank you! Thank you for Lori's words as well...I like that..."full-circle era."
I'm so glad you included photos! I too have been staring back at photos from my childhood and life, contemplating who I was/were/am. I am particularly fascinated by my 8 and 9 year old self - never smiling in a picture, always with attitude and sureness and a form of honesty that I think I have learned to hide away over the years and just play the role of wife, mother, daughter, etc...
I love that I never smiled! Sometimes I scowled but most of the time I just stared, openly, at that camera that someone then had to go get the film printed out and there it was. unfiltered. No quick or posed selfies or "proper angles". Just two photos. One of me in a yellow tee shirt, arms-crossed, hunched against my father's side - skinny and too lanky, scowling out from under crazy wild hair, dark circles around my deep set eyes. One of me caught off guard looking to the side while playing a card game with other kids, looking for all the world like I was about to pull one over on the others. I think I can circle back to some of that honesty and attitude, but maybe without all the scowling.
Suleika. You always amaze me with your perseverance and cheerful spirit and determination to keep going no matter what. And the double bass too. You have so many talents. I was a music major in college and had to learn many instruments. I have always loved the double bass, especially in jazz. It was difficult for me. Those strings or wires were hard to hold down with my small hands. The violin was more suitable for me to learn and play. Your words are always loving and encouraging. Thank you for the beauty and serenity you bring to my life. ♥️
The message here is beautiful from you both Suleika and Lori. We never know what life will deliver to our doorsteps. I’ve created a toolbox of rituals in my life. I have never waited to use them- they are my “non negotiable” activities like teeth brushing I say.
Breath, movement and creativity, and they are pillars of our women’s circle ⭕️ that actually runs every year and is about to start up again today via zoom. I’m grateful for my health but like all of us fortunate enough to have not had any major crisis or interruptions, we take it for granted. I’m wishing everyone all the best and always read comments to your posts as they inspire me and help me with my gratitude, which is also a tool in that toolbox!
Thank you for your wishes and love the sound of your women’s circle. 🪐
I identify with this piece completely. Throughout my life I kept looking backward at the path I didn’t take. I have since come to realize that whatever path we take there will be highs, lows, lessons learned and wonderful experiences. Now, in my 60’s, I returned to my first love and just published my first book. I feel whole again.
Whatever path we take there will be highs, lows, lessons learned and wonderful experiences.
That is a powerful thought. Thank you.
I was an actress in nyc later in life at age 35. I was old at that point but I wanted no regrets that I should’ve could’ve or would’ve. Couldn’t take rejection over the 10 years I was a NYC actress and left, but somehow, organically, my path led me to standup storytelling—I found my home! I create, write and perform stories from my life and I’m supposed to be here. Hello world! Hello beautiful Isolation Journals community!
Thank you both for your wise words. For seven decades I pursued various interests from studying music and Buddhism, getting an MSW, working in the arts and business and education. Everything came together in some form or another when I wrote and published my memoir—a full circle indeed. Sometimes I wish I had picked one lane to become an “expert” but now I realize how important it was for me to experience each and every path. Now that my husband has cancer and is about to have a stem cell transplant, I’m following your journey closely, Suleika, and gaining so much from your honesty, generosity and insight. Sending love.
Hi Ann! I particularly love your line, "now I realize how important it was for me to experience each and every path." This resonates deeply. Though many of my careers didn't align with who I am internally, I learned a lot from them and have been able to carry that wisdom forward. And amazing that you published a memoir!!
Your words touch my heart ❤️. Thank you for giving those students permission to keep exploring. It took me until I was 40 to figure out I was a teacher. Once I did, I had a wonderful career with 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders for over 20 years. My career fed the little child I me who still wanted to explore, create, learn. Then cancer struck and I had a year of treatment and rest and pandemic! That caused me to change course, to take a road less traveled. I channeled my Nonnie and learned to knit 🧶. And for Christmas, I got a beautiful little paint set. My first project is “trees”. My skills are elementary, but my heart still longs to learn.