I started to come apart in the aftermath of losing my husband. I was completely overwhelmed and disoriented trying to adjust to a brand new reality. It was a monster, and to a lesser degree, remains so. What anchored me to life? - long walks, mindful breathing, music, finding this collective at the right time (I had never journaled), losing myself in cooking and also developing a keener sense of observation and gratitude for simple things - my cat crossing my keyboard or a decisive nod from a sidewalk passerby.
Jan 28Liked by Suleika Jaouad, Holly Huitt, Carmen Radley
One perk of waking multiple times during the night is being awake right when this newsletter comes out. I needed to see the message in your essay after a tough week grappling with some family health-related concerns. Thank you for sharing with such open-hearted vulnerability. Sending much love you way.
Dearest Suleika - I’ve missed your thoughts and words, in essence, your voice. While you are comforted by the words of others, your words are also comforting. So much love for you.
Oh, Margo - this right here: “ I learned more from her than I ever expected, like how to simply exist as a human being—a skill I am still working on.” Right!
As life brings swerves and curves and two-by-fours, the ability to regulate and experience peace in the midst of it all is necessary for survival. Yet wisdom can be elusive when we need her most. As I've gotten older, my greatest defense is to surrender - not giving up but allowing the situation to teach me and show me something I would otherwise miss. To bear witness rather than fight or hide from it. Like baby girl - to breathe. I'm convinced that chaos and calm and everything in between is a part of the journey. I hope to live with more grace and gratitude along the way. 🫶🏾
Suleika- Thank you for sharing your story. As always, your words capture my full attention, and I am grateful that you spoke on this particular issue. As a brain cancer patient, I too looked up my diagnosis and prognosis to see how much time I had left. I did this because I have my wife and two girls to consider. After reviewing numerous medical websites, I was devastated upon learning about my condition. Depression set in and I had no way of controlling it.
People would tell me that it will all work out. “You’re tough! You’re A Marine! You have been through worst!” But no Marine Corps training prepares you to take on this situation. They forget that I am human first before I am a Marine; that I have two little girls and a wife who depends on me. What about their feelings? They’re not Marines who have to mental toughness to deal with this. How do I instruct my ten-year-old to be tough and not to worry?
I got out of my depression by leaning more about my condition, and how to change my lifestyle to prolong my life. I stopped drinking alcohol even though I was a social drinker. I stopped eating processed foods and started eating more fruits and vegetables. Although I was very active with exercising, I found a passion to play tennis because it is the only thing, surprisingly, that keeps me balanced (I’m soooo addicted to it). Most importantly, I try to enjoy my life spending it with people who support me, rather than spending time with people who tell me unrealistic things.
The only issue I have a problem adjusting to is my side of the family not supporting me as I expected. I don’t know if it’s because they will outlive me -my mother, father, and my three siblings- but since I’ve been diagnosed, they’ve never stop by to see me. I struggle with this issue, and the only way that I find not to dwell on it is to distance myself with them as my therapist had suggested. Taking away the toxicity of how my own family reacts to my condition and replacing it with focusing on the support from others, is how keep myself from going insane.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I truly appreciate your efforts to discuss difficult topics and make suggestions on how to best address these issues. One love ❤️!
To go in the dark with a light is to know the light. To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight, and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings, and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings. -Wendell Berry
When one sense is taken away, the other senses become attuned and heightened.
Years ago, a doctor told me that a general prognosis means nothing. Every patient is unique. Ignore any odds - especially since they were probably calculated based on white males, who dominated all those studies. Your path is your own. I have all faith for you.
Suleika - thank you for the raw truth of your words: we are all medical unicorns. We never know what is waiting for us around the corner, playing hide and seek. “Uncertainty is part of being human.” You sure got that right, and it is a lifelong struggle to get comfortable simply hanging out with that uncertainty. This past week, a very close friend - started treatment at MSK. She is still in shock having been diagnosed, operated, and infused in a very short time. The advice given to her by her care team is, “don’t dwell on it” which personally, I thought to be bizarre advice, because honestly - how can you not dwell on that life altering diagnosis? But perhaps what they should have said is: don’t focus on the median. Instead, channel the variation and embrace the uncertainty that makes us human. We are all flying by the seat of our pants on this wild ride of life. Thank you for sharing your story and your honesty. They are gifts, and an inspiration to so many. I wish you a long life of variation.
I am a somatic experiencing healer! After pushing down my own trauma for 20 years it surfaced, I could no longer push it down and had to deal with my traumatic history. It was hell for 7 years, but I resurfaced like a beautiful lotus coming thru the mud, and ultimately studied Somatic Experiencing for 3 years so I could give back. Thankfully I’ve become genuinely me, no longer hiding .
Bless you all who are suffering or have suffered. This life isn’t any easy journey, and to be able to live through it and share our journey with others is a community of soul medicine. Love you Suleika, Holly, Carmen❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Suleika - a brilliant piece of writing. I see statistics as an "ill-fitting" jigsaw in that there is so much discrepancy around their meaning. I did something different almost two years ago. I turned down the opportunity of a stem cell transplant. I didn't like how my body had responded to that point and simply wasn't convinced it was right for me or my rare mutation. It was a tough decision because I didn't know the outcome - other than a cure no longer being an option. I tried other chemotherapy that didn't work and just over a year ago I was given a prognosis of a few months to live. Specifically I was told it was highly unlikely I would see 2024. My mum died two weeks ago and I'm so relieved that she did not have to go through the pain of seeing another of her daughters die before her. Whenever I feel down, I remind myself I am a living miracle (!) and that always makes me chuckle. I do not dwell on the "what if's". Perhaps crazily, I do not "make the most of each day left" because that adds unnecessary stress and urgency. I utterly love the life I have right here right now. Excuse me - I must dash, my son is coming to visit and I need to dance in the shower whilst I wash my hair.
Oh Suleika, i believe this is one of your essays that talk to me most. Whatever ordeal we go through, i believe stories of how others went through pain, heartbreak and grief are the greatest comforters. And I like that your conclusion is that these stories are powerful not only because they are inspiring but mostly because they make us feel less alone. “Somebody somewhere sometimes felt or feels as utterly lost and broken as I do now.” That is the magic of stories, told or written, sung or played. And just like Jon often said about music and songs, these stories often reach us when we most need them. Thank you both and this entire community for the magic ✨.
"That they’ve loved and lost and continued on—maybe in this human form, maybe in the words they leave behind." This one has hit me so hard; the pain and heartbreak and deep privilege of loving so deeply. That the depth of our love ultimately cannot save anyone, but facing the grief and fear reflected back at us instead of avoiding or hiding from it has such an impact -- the importance of showing up. Thank you ❤️
I am trying to leave and scared to go. This time, I have others to consider, like my daughter who has grown up here, with this other person...this person who has morphed into a scary stranger, kind one moment and then days of us walking on egg shells. I fell apart again in the shower. It has been my "fall apart place" for a few years. I do not know how to put myself back together. I'm like Humpty Dumpty. I just want peace, I want comfort, and I will live not knowing if it will visit me again. Suleika, I am sending the strongest of healing vibes to you and I thank you so deeply for creating this place for us all to have a soft place to fall and a solid place to get up. (I'm still working on the getting up)
Jan 28·edited Jan 28Liked by Suleika Jaouad, Carmen Radley
Thank you, Suleika, for always being so honest and open with us. I can’t imagine the fear that you are experiencing every day. I hope the fact that we are all pulling for you, praying for you (I don’t believe in God, but I pray to the universe all the time), and holding you in our hearts helps a little. Hoping and praying to the universe that this quarter’s biopsy brings continued good news. ❤️
When the COVID pandemic started, i became much more depressed (my depression started in 2018 after my MA graduation). During the pandemic, i could feel sth was wrong and i was unmotivated to be an English teacher, and as i had learned subconsciously through years, i tried to not only push away and suppress any negative thoughts and feelings, but also try not to listen to what these negative thoughts and feelings were telling me. Finally, in 2022, after being fired from a language institute where i worked as a teacher for a few months, i had this moment of "GOD, I FEEL SO MISERABLE, Spare me from this misery !!!!!🙏🙏🙏🙏. That was when i started going to weekly therapy sessions to solve my issues (anxiety, depression, and people-pleasing). Beside these, i didn't understand the emotions i experienced at all, especially the strong emotions of sadness and anger, and i was afraid to step out of my comfort zones.
Anyway, now after a few years, i understand my emotions much better than before, and i've become more courageous to try doing things i used to shun from doing in the past. I can also see this courage in my recent paintings as well (you can see a part of them in my tonight's Note).
I started to come apart in the aftermath of losing my husband. I was completely overwhelmed and disoriented trying to adjust to a brand new reality. It was a monster, and to a lesser degree, remains so. What anchored me to life? - long walks, mindful breathing, music, finding this collective at the right time (I had never journaled), losing myself in cooking and also developing a keener sense of observation and gratitude for simple things - my cat crossing my keyboard or a decisive nod from a sidewalk passerby.
One perk of waking multiple times during the night is being awake right when this newsletter comes out. I needed to see the message in your essay after a tough week grappling with some family health-related concerns. Thank you for sharing with such open-hearted vulnerability. Sending much love you way.
Dearest Suleika - I’ve missed your thoughts and words, in essence, your voice. While you are comforted by the words of others, your words are also comforting. So much love for you.
Oh, Margo - this right here: “ I learned more from her than I ever expected, like how to simply exist as a human being—a skill I am still working on.” Right!
As life brings swerves and curves and two-by-fours, the ability to regulate and experience peace in the midst of it all is necessary for survival. Yet wisdom can be elusive when we need her most. As I've gotten older, my greatest defense is to surrender - not giving up but allowing the situation to teach me and show me something I would otherwise miss. To bear witness rather than fight or hide from it. Like baby girl - to breathe. I'm convinced that chaos and calm and everything in between is a part of the journey. I hope to live with more grace and gratitude along the way. 🫶🏾
Suleika- Thank you for sharing your story. As always, your words capture my full attention, and I am grateful that you spoke on this particular issue. As a brain cancer patient, I too looked up my diagnosis and prognosis to see how much time I had left. I did this because I have my wife and two girls to consider. After reviewing numerous medical websites, I was devastated upon learning about my condition. Depression set in and I had no way of controlling it.
People would tell me that it will all work out. “You’re tough! You’re A Marine! You have been through worst!” But no Marine Corps training prepares you to take on this situation. They forget that I am human first before I am a Marine; that I have two little girls and a wife who depends on me. What about their feelings? They’re not Marines who have to mental toughness to deal with this. How do I instruct my ten-year-old to be tough and not to worry?
I got out of my depression by leaning more about my condition, and how to change my lifestyle to prolong my life. I stopped drinking alcohol even though I was a social drinker. I stopped eating processed foods and started eating more fruits and vegetables. Although I was very active with exercising, I found a passion to play tennis because it is the only thing, surprisingly, that keeps me balanced (I’m soooo addicted to it). Most importantly, I try to enjoy my life spending it with people who support me, rather than spending time with people who tell me unrealistic things.
The only issue I have a problem adjusting to is my side of the family not supporting me as I expected. I don’t know if it’s because they will outlive me -my mother, father, and my three siblings- but since I’ve been diagnosed, they’ve never stop by to see me. I struggle with this issue, and the only way that I find not to dwell on it is to distance myself with them as my therapist had suggested. Taking away the toxicity of how my own family reacts to my condition and replacing it with focusing on the support from others, is how keep myself from going insane.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I truly appreciate your efforts to discuss difficult topics and make suggestions on how to best address these issues. One love ❤️!
To go in the dark with a light is to know the light. To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight, and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings, and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings. -Wendell Berry
When one sense is taken away, the other senses become attuned and heightened.
May it be so. 🙏
Years ago, a doctor told me that a general prognosis means nothing. Every patient is unique. Ignore any odds - especially since they were probably calculated based on white males, who dominated all those studies. Your path is your own. I have all faith for you.
Two beautiful essays; what a blessing for the beginning of a new day in the quiet dark as gentle rain. falls. Heartfelt gratitude to all.
As a. friend said to me once as she grappled with a terrible illness, "I don't live on paper, I live in the world."
Suleika - thank you for the raw truth of your words: we are all medical unicorns. We never know what is waiting for us around the corner, playing hide and seek. “Uncertainty is part of being human.” You sure got that right, and it is a lifelong struggle to get comfortable simply hanging out with that uncertainty. This past week, a very close friend - started treatment at MSK. She is still in shock having been diagnosed, operated, and infused in a very short time. The advice given to her by her care team is, “don’t dwell on it” which personally, I thought to be bizarre advice, because honestly - how can you not dwell on that life altering diagnosis? But perhaps what they should have said is: don’t focus on the median. Instead, channel the variation and embrace the uncertainty that makes us human. We are all flying by the seat of our pants on this wild ride of life. Thank you for sharing your story and your honesty. They are gifts, and an inspiration to so many. I wish you a long life of variation.
"The privilege of heartbreak—to have loved that deeply, that ferociously, even when you know it’s going to hurt like hell."
🙌❤️ This is everything.
I am a somatic experiencing healer! After pushing down my own trauma for 20 years it surfaced, I could no longer push it down and had to deal with my traumatic history. It was hell for 7 years, but I resurfaced like a beautiful lotus coming thru the mud, and ultimately studied Somatic Experiencing for 3 years so I could give back. Thankfully I’ve become genuinely me, no longer hiding .
Bless you all who are suffering or have suffered. This life isn’t any easy journey, and to be able to live through it and share our journey with others is a community of soul medicine. Love you Suleika, Holly, Carmen❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Suleika - a brilliant piece of writing. I see statistics as an "ill-fitting" jigsaw in that there is so much discrepancy around their meaning. I did something different almost two years ago. I turned down the opportunity of a stem cell transplant. I didn't like how my body had responded to that point and simply wasn't convinced it was right for me or my rare mutation. It was a tough decision because I didn't know the outcome - other than a cure no longer being an option. I tried other chemotherapy that didn't work and just over a year ago I was given a prognosis of a few months to live. Specifically I was told it was highly unlikely I would see 2024. My mum died two weeks ago and I'm so relieved that she did not have to go through the pain of seeing another of her daughters die before her. Whenever I feel down, I remind myself I am a living miracle (!) and that always makes me chuckle. I do not dwell on the "what if's". Perhaps crazily, I do not "make the most of each day left" because that adds unnecessary stress and urgency. I utterly love the life I have right here right now. Excuse me - I must dash, my son is coming to visit and I need to dance in the shower whilst I wash my hair.
Oh Suleika, i believe this is one of your essays that talk to me most. Whatever ordeal we go through, i believe stories of how others went through pain, heartbreak and grief are the greatest comforters. And I like that your conclusion is that these stories are powerful not only because they are inspiring but mostly because they make us feel less alone. “Somebody somewhere sometimes felt or feels as utterly lost and broken as I do now.” That is the magic of stories, told or written, sung or played. And just like Jon often said about music and songs, these stories often reach us when we most need them. Thank you both and this entire community for the magic ✨.
"That they’ve loved and lost and continued on—maybe in this human form, maybe in the words they leave behind." This one has hit me so hard; the pain and heartbreak and deep privilege of loving so deeply. That the depth of our love ultimately cannot save anyone, but facing the grief and fear reflected back at us instead of avoiding or hiding from it has such an impact -- the importance of showing up. Thank you ❤️
I am trying to leave and scared to go. This time, I have others to consider, like my daughter who has grown up here, with this other person...this person who has morphed into a scary stranger, kind one moment and then days of us walking on egg shells. I fell apart again in the shower. It has been my "fall apart place" for a few years. I do not know how to put myself back together. I'm like Humpty Dumpty. I just want peace, I want comfort, and I will live not knowing if it will visit me again. Suleika, I am sending the strongest of healing vibes to you and I thank you so deeply for creating this place for us all to have a soft place to fall and a solid place to get up. (I'm still working on the getting up)
Thank you, Suleika, for always being so honest and open with us. I can’t imagine the fear that you are experiencing every day. I hope the fact that we are all pulling for you, praying for you (I don’t believe in God, but I pray to the universe all the time), and holding you in our hearts helps a little. Hoping and praying to the universe that this quarter’s biopsy brings continued good news. ❤️
When the COVID pandemic started, i became much more depressed (my depression started in 2018 after my MA graduation). During the pandemic, i could feel sth was wrong and i was unmotivated to be an English teacher, and as i had learned subconsciously through years, i tried to not only push away and suppress any negative thoughts and feelings, but also try not to listen to what these negative thoughts and feelings were telling me. Finally, in 2022, after being fired from a language institute where i worked as a teacher for a few months, i had this moment of "GOD, I FEEL SO MISERABLE, Spare me from this misery !!!!!🙏🙏🙏🙏. That was when i started going to weekly therapy sessions to solve my issues (anxiety, depression, and people-pleasing). Beside these, i didn't understand the emotions i experienced at all, especially the strong emotions of sadness and anger, and i was afraid to step out of my comfort zones.
Anyway, now after a few years, i understand my emotions much better than before, and i've become more courageous to try doing things i used to shun from doing in the past. I can also see this courage in my recent paintings as well (you can see a part of them in my tonight's Note).