One week ago , after 7 years of treatment and surveillance for ovarian cancer, the very well known NYC cancer center that has been treating me, is now setting me free. Not really, but “see you in a year “ free. I feel like a solider who has returned from war. No more “ fight or flight”. My temporary cancer identity has been lost , and I am not sure who I am . So traumatized and physically broken from the “ mother of all surgeries “. This impermanent human life is never easy.
It's going to tear your heart, and sew it all up again . . .and again . . .and again
It's going to be small, and soft, white and fluffy, and oh, so cuddly, and bite you one day, with It's tiny sharp teeth, when you go to give it its favorite daily treat
It's going to last for years, even decades, like a hand-knit sweater, threadbare at the cuffs, with pulls and lovely dropped stitches making little holes and one day, one small thread will get caught on a nail in the doorway and the entire sweater will unravel
It's going to be taut and tan, strong and glistening, satiny smooth and glowing, and one autumn, when you wake-up on a cool, bright, sunny day, it will be loose and sagging, covered with moles and angiomas, a sack of cottage cheese melding with a bag of bones
It's going to be tall and beautiful, with rosebud lips and flowing long hair, in life's prime, like a candle in the wind (thank you Elton John), now a whispering hush in the branches of the pines, a brush of wing against a cheek
It's going to be like the rising sun, a daily certainty, rising, shimmering, over a river, or golden over the ocean, or softly glowing over a green field of corn, or blazing bright in your bedroom window, blinding you fiercely as you awake.
I've always loved that line, "like a candle in the wind," and attributed to the well known Elton John song, but I believe it originated in a Carl Sandburg poem, perhaps that's what inspired Elton John's lyrics.
First, Suleika, and all that inhabit - fleetingly, or more “permanently,” life under your tent , may “feathers” of whatever stripes will bring you comfort and joy and the inevitable, occasional pain , lovingly hold you/cover you, especially as we go through this holiday season.; Of course, as you move forward is o.k. too.
Secondly, this newsletter and its conversation, has led to my first “feather”: my life since my mother’s death from suicide in 1973 has been in service of alchemizing its occurrence with all that came after. I’m still not done.
Gorgeous, Amber— for your story of loss and connection and a poem so glorious it made me ache. I also laughed out loud about ash pie for DT. May it be so. (I know, mischief)
May everyone here find feathers, healing, and love. And to our dear @suleika… wrapping you in a warm blanket of stars…
And show you how to grieve for yourself and others, and how an open heart will make you stronger! You will understand that life isn’t all about you but having the great capacity for empathy, kindness and compassion (and baby if you haven’t learned to give these qualities to yourself you will either go wildly crazy or realize your heart is the ruler of your kingdom and wake-up and make lasting connections). You will learn that love is the balm that can heal many souls.
What an absolutely beautiful prompt. My son and and his wife had a high risk pregnancy and multiple miscarriages. I sat with my beautiful daughter in law in awe of her strength and determination during a month of ante natal hospital care. That 3 pound baby who is a fighter like her mum is a thriving toddler today.
It's going to happen today...
The baby who's knocking too early is going to come. Because waiting any longer is going to kill you.
I take her hand and think about the tiny fists of roses unfurling knocking knocking in the wet dark.
It's going to be hard, this not knowing this coming into the world too soon, too soon.
It's going to happen in a snowstorm, it's going to happen at night it's going to happen before her father can get there.
I hold her hand and look into her eyes and know what's going to happen.
It will end in tears and joy and breathtaking passion that one can never understand.
When they take your heart out and lay it on your chest. It's going to happen just like that.
The days turn into hours turn into minutes turn into breaths and that's how it happens.
It's going to dust me self off and start all over again (taken with liberty) PS love love love love and thanks.. Suleika, Jon, River, Sunshine, Lentil----much love on the holidays and always.maemae
It’s going to…have you born into brutal abuse which you cannot physically escape until 18 when you leave, choosing to wear OD Green, learning to float to the ground under pale green parachutes, finding out who and what you are, feeling for the first time ever pure exhilaration at just being, no abuse, no ugliness, just being who you are and feeling free, not knowing just yet that far worse than what occurred the first 18 years is headed your way and you will be crushed, betrayed, almost destroyed again and again, coming so very close to leaving many times over only to hear something so simple and yet so heartbreakingly beautiful as a chickadee’s song or the peal of laughter from a child who has never known absolute terror or the purring of a cat smuggling against you as you lay bruised and battered as you wonder why to keep trying and then, in that instant, you know. So you do.
It’s going to take you to your deepest despair. It’s going to rip your heart into a million pieces. It’s going to change what you thought future means. It’s going to show you that love is fleeting but something you choose to give. It’s going to turn your face to a universe vast and wide. It is going to transform you from the inside out. It is going to be the light you seek. It is going to be alright.
It's going to
open your heart
and leave a wound that will never heal
It's going to cover you in the joyous revelry of piles of leaves tossed to the wind and blown back again, leaving you with little leaf bits, laughing
It's going to make you crawl into a ball of tears, you had stuffed so carefully inside and they said, "no more"
It's going to remind you, "Come, come out to play"
And you will,
being all the better for doing so.
Ripped my heart open. Thank you.
Ilene, but like in a good way, right?
Always, Mary, always. I felt all of it, and then I went out to play. For real.
Oh, yes!
Beautiful
Thank you, Karen!
One week ago , after 7 years of treatment and surveillance for ovarian cancer, the very well known NYC cancer center that has been treating me, is now setting me free. Not really, but “see you in a year “ free. I feel like a solider who has returned from war. No more “ fight or flight”. My temporary cancer identity has been lost , and I am not sure who I am . So traumatized and physically broken from the “ mother of all surgeries “. This impermanent human life is never easy.
Sending so much love your way, Wendi!
Dear Suleika, thank you❤️. I hope you are feeling okay, and have a beautiful holiday. Your message to me means “everything “.🌟
May you go from strength to strength, and do and love and be many of the things you never thought you’d have the chance to!
Thank you ❤️.
You are not your cancer............you are better, stronger, lighter........
May your new identity be full of joy and discovery
Oh Wendi, how wonderful. Take a long deep breath after your long battle.
Thank you for such kind and encouraging words.
May God's blessings and love guide you, on a path of health, peace, and love beyond your imagination.
Love and hugs,
A
You have been given the gift of not taking anything for granted.
Good luck, Wendi. 🙏💗
Thank you.❤️
Oh, Amber, this line: “we stood there in the presence of his absence.” That will stay with me.
It's going to feel like the other shoe will drop...eventually
It's going to wrap its arms around you when it does.
It's going to feel like you're letting yourself fall backwards.
Only to be caught once again.
It's going to tear your heart, and sew it all up again . . .and again . . .and again
It's going to be small, and soft, white and fluffy, and oh, so cuddly, and bite you one day, with It's tiny sharp teeth, when you go to give it its favorite daily treat
It's going to last for years, even decades, like a hand-knit sweater, threadbare at the cuffs, with pulls and lovely dropped stitches making little holes and one day, one small thread will get caught on a nail in the doorway and the entire sweater will unravel
It's going to be taut and tan, strong and glistening, satiny smooth and glowing, and one autumn, when you wake-up on a cool, bright, sunny day, it will be loose and sagging, covered with moles and angiomas, a sack of cottage cheese melding with a bag of bones
It's going to be tall and beautiful, with rosebud lips and flowing long hair, in life's prime, like a candle in the wind (thank you Elton John), now a whispering hush in the branches of the pines, a brush of wing against a cheek
It's going to be like the rising sun, a daily certainty, rising, shimmering, over a river, or golden over the ocean, or softly glowing over a green field of corn, or blazing bright in your bedroom window, blinding you fiercely as you awake.
This made my heart ache. Beautiful. ❤️
One small thread, so evocative Terri. Thank you.
I've always loved that line, "like a candle in the wind," and attributed to the well known Elton John song, but I believe it originated in a Carl Sandburg poem, perhaps that's what inspired Elton John's lyrics.
It's going to reintroduce you to truth, but you already knew that.
It's going to take time, and yet it's ready for you now.
Thank you for the blessing of this weeks' prompt. It really stopped me in my tracks and I will be pondering these ideas more. Sending love.
It’s going to slam the door, tell you it hates you, and then ask you to cuddle it to sleep.
💔
First, Suleika, and all that inhabit - fleetingly, or more “permanently,” life under your tent , may “feathers” of whatever stripes will bring you comfort and joy and the inevitable, occasional pain , lovingly hold you/cover you, especially as we go through this holiday season.; Of course, as you move forward is o.k. too.
Secondly, this newsletter and its conversation, has led to my first “feather”: my life since my mother’s death from suicide in 1973 has been in service of alchemizing its occurrence with all that came after. I’m still not done.
It's going to be 100 poems rolled into one....
Gorgeous, Amber— for your story of loss and connection and a poem so glorious it made me ache. I also laughed out loud about ash pie for DT. May it be so. (I know, mischief)
May everyone here find feathers, healing, and love. And to our dear @suleika… wrapping you in a warm blanket of stars…
It’s going to rip your heart to pieces
And show you how to grieve for yourself and others, and how an open heart will make you stronger! You will understand that life isn’t all about you but having the great capacity for empathy, kindness and compassion (and baby if you haven’t learned to give these qualities to yourself you will either go wildly crazy or realize your heart is the ruler of your kingdom and wake-up and make lasting connections). You will learn that love is the balm that can heal many souls.
What an absolutely beautiful prompt. My son and and his wife had a high risk pregnancy and multiple miscarriages. I sat with my beautiful daughter in law in awe of her strength and determination during a month of ante natal hospital care. That 3 pound baby who is a fighter like her mum is a thriving toddler today.
It's going to happen today...
The baby who's knocking too early is going to come. Because waiting any longer is going to kill you.
I take her hand and think about the tiny fists of roses unfurling knocking knocking in the wet dark.
It's going to be hard, this not knowing this coming into the world too soon, too soon.
It's going to happen in a snowstorm, it's going to happen at night it's going to happen before her father can get there.
I hold her hand and look into her eyes and know what's going to happen.
It will end in tears and joy and breathtaking passion that one can never understand.
When they take your heart out and lay it on your chest. It's going to happen just like that.
The days turn into hours turn into minutes turn into breaths and that's how it happens.
That IS how it happens! ❤️❤️❤️
It's going to dust me self off and start all over again (taken with liberty) PS love love love love and thanks.. Suleika, Jon, River, Sunshine, Lentil----much love on the holidays and always.maemae
It’s going to…have you born into brutal abuse which you cannot physically escape until 18 when you leave, choosing to wear OD Green, learning to float to the ground under pale green parachutes, finding out who and what you are, feeling for the first time ever pure exhilaration at just being, no abuse, no ugliness, just being who you are and feeling free, not knowing just yet that far worse than what occurred the first 18 years is headed your way and you will be crushed, betrayed, almost destroyed again and again, coming so very close to leaving many times over only to hear something so simple and yet so heartbreakingly beautiful as a chickadee’s song or the peal of laughter from a child who has never known absolute terror or the purring of a cat smuggling against you as you lay bruised and battered as you wonder why to keep trying and then, in that instant, you know. So you do.
Those glimmers in the dark are lifesavers. Sending love ❤️
Thank you kindly. 💕
You deserve genuine love and peace! I hope you have left all abuse and terror behind!
Amber, I just finished reading your poem and said to myself, out loud, "Oh my God." It took my breath away. Thank you so much for sharing it today.
It’s going to take you to your deepest despair. It’s going to rip your heart into a million pieces. It’s going to change what you thought future means. It’s going to show you that love is fleeting but something you choose to give. It’s going to turn your face to a universe vast and wide. It is going to transform you from the inside out. It is going to be the light you seek. It is going to be alright.