Aug 21, 2022·edited Aug 21, 2022Liked by Suleika Jaouad
Well I really am not a writer so I hope this isn't a rambling note of confusion. But Tatiana's Brazen article enlightened me on another way to deal with fear. Fear being a completely new and foreign thing to me.
Up until my illness, late in life, I would say my lifestyle was fast and furious. I had my family to care for and I had my business, I was on my hamster wheel running as fast as I could, always trying to grab that next thing. My focus was on money and success, I was oblivious to my body, I worked long hours, I ate poorly sticking with fast food, it was quick, and I was busy! I knew nothing of my body and what I was putting into it. My emotions and fear were buried, I had learned at an early age to suppress those feelings. I had maintained a firm hard control of my fear and emotions, and they were never to be seen by me or anyone else. Because my emotions and fear were suppressed, my stress, seemingly hidden from me and with no release, was just building up all my life and I did not know it. I was stressed, caffeinated, and got little exercise; how could I find time to exercise when I was so busy! In short after years of unknowingly abusing myself, my body finally called me on it, and I became deathly ill.
My lifestyle, attitude and lack of fear almost killed me and now my difficult journey to overcome untold obstacles and recover took all my strength and mental capacity. My beliefs and, who I was, were shaken to their very core. I had many ups and downs and moments of feeling utterly defeated. But I kept telling myself I can do it! I found it helpful to look for the positive in everything, it is there I can find it, I told myself. One day I was feeling so defeated after experiencing this roller coaster ride, I was at the bottom. I shared this with my doctor, and she looked at me squarely in the eye and said, “Dude you’re ALIVE!” that snapped me out of it. She was right of course, I was alive, and now improving every day. Sometimes I just needed a reminder to surround myself with supportive people as I would need them.
My illness and associated stomach cancer had forever changed me. I looked and sounded like Rex on the outside but on the inside, there was now great roiling turmoil, uncertainty and something new, fear. I was lost, I was adrift, and I was alone. Sure, I had family and a few remaining friends that had not abandoned me–but I could not share with them my deepest thoughts and struggles, my absolute fear of my future and what was happening to me. I did not understand it myself; This new thing I was ill equipped to deal with called fear. how could I expect them to understand? that too was beginning to weigh heavily on me…how could I continue? What would I do?
As I read Tatiana’s article Brazenface I knew then that I had to relearn how I deal with fear. I think to not bury it as I had all my life but now to call up some courage from within to confront it head on. That is something I’ve never had to do until now. Much like me learning how to walk again, see
Or relearning how to do simple math in my head or to lean for the first time to love myself for who I am. So many new things to learn in this wonderful life we are given!
I came upon this quote that I resonated with that gives me the courage to help me have new male and female friends, because most of my dear friend have died. The quote is : “A loving heart is a magical magnet for magnificence”. Sherri Rosen
"Beginner..." I first heard the term "Beginner's Mind" at a Summer Seminar for Grad. School. When I was young, being a "Beginner" was not interpreted by society at large, or my peers as a positive place to be. It has come to mean liberation for me, a battle cry of victory. "I am a Beginner!" I begin things, sometimes I don't like the activity, the book, the whatever, and I give myself the permission to leave it. Sometimes, I am fulfilled and excited by the newness and continue on. I love the freedom that accepting in "Beginner Status" provides me now. Sometimes, it's scary, but as someone with lifelong anxiety, I am a Pro at the Anxiety, and yet a Beginner at accepting it and committing to a small action to lessen it.
Abundance. From one of the many mental health/wellbeing sources I use as compass and balm. It's a feeling, a sense, of fullness, enoughness, warmth, love and light. It calms me. It helps me relate and respond to myself, to others, to situations and circumstances from a stable, inner space of being at home.
Then, I'm more able to act from awareness, patience, acceptance and forgiveness. Everything is weighted, calibrated, added to this sense of space, from where I gift what I'm able at any given time. As an early childhood educator, this presence offers safety and strength to our youngest of today and our future tomorrows.
Thank you for sharing it helped reinforce how right I was to end a vacation that was making me sick. I went to Las Vegas with a friend, it was supposed to be for 7 nights, but by day 2 I was ready to go home. The frequent exposure to marijuana smoke had triggered a fibro flare and the person I traveled with wasn’t comprehending what I was saying about what I needed. So I canceled the rest of the trip and came home. I feel so much better and your newsletter just reinforced why I was right to make my self-care a bigger priority than pleasing someone else. Ty
With: So much of my life I have pushed through and against my chronic illness and pain. I have done everything in spite of my disability, despite my body. But, over time, this pushing has only worsened my condition, exacerbated my pain, made my orthostatic intolerance spiral to almost zero. My drive to produce to be a part of work focused capitalist, able-bodied culture and desire to be seen as normative has actually made my body less sustainable day to day. Now, I want to stop doing everything against, in spite of, or despite of my body; I want to live my life with this weird, wonderful, painful, exquisite, wildly creative body that is ever so distinctly mine own.
I’ve always been partial to a an offer that I believe comes from Kurt Vonnegut: “ Unexpected invitations to travel are dancing lessons from God. “ For me these invitations come in varied forms at almost any time and place. Sometimes it’s a physical sensation, or thought, or impulse. Sometimes it comes from outside me, like this prompt or an actual request from someone to get together or go on an adventure. Where it comes from doesn’t matter as long as I’m paying attention. If I am I’m likely to accept the invitation. And who knows what wonderful place or experience that can lead me to!!
Suleika, it seems your body is sending you all kinds of signals now. Unbidden and unpleasant sometimes. I don’t really think of you as apologetic. You describe what’s going on with you and what steps you are taking. You are dealing with the facts of your condition. In my world facts don’t require apologies. So I accept your “unapologetically stance”. You are you and many of us are richer for that. Thank you❤️🙏🏾
FOCUS calmly on my dreams - having reached my 70s is a shocking place to be - it produces a kind of anxiety I've never known - I need to practice being a bit selfish ...
Aug 21, 2022·edited Aug 21, 2022Liked by Holly Huitt
Perfectly timed in reading this prompt. Last night I was at a party for the LA team at a prominent directors house. My position on this film was a step sideways to create looks for the large crowd scenes along side an a-list costume designer and friend. I thought I went into the party with my alter ego I built for these occasions but left with insecurity. I gave my power away. Or maybe I “humbled myself”. This is the first time in a long time I have been a bit beaten up by an industry I have loved. I keep hitting walls of late. Interviews not conquered has put my bank accounts lower then I like. My self esteem even lower. Where was my alter ego I thought I packed? And yet I am healthier then I have been in awhile. I have lost almost 29 pounds. I workout hard. I am more connected to my peaceful self. I see friends I haven’t had time for because I travel so much. I read, write and draw. And yet I felt almost ashamed for filling my time with such self love because I am not working. I feel failure instead of success in taking advantage of a moment universe slow down to self health and care. Health is wealth too!
Brazen is such a good word. Can I steal it? Bad ass, talented, creative force, confident, sexy, smart, brave, cool, focused. Maybe my alter ego just needed one word of cheering. A mantra to remind her of who in the face of she is also so much more and shows it. Bold might be pushy. No bold is to be remembered. Bold is a risk taker. Bold also means self love with care when things slow down. And bold is saying yes and showing up for a career I have always loved. Showing up healthy!
Gentleness. Having had to deal with so very many people after my husband of 46 years passed, many many things needed to be changed, from insurance to credit cards and auto payments. All of these were over the phone. I felt my blood pressure rise so very many times as so many of these encounters were with such rude customer service representatives. It took so many phone calls and more than once I felt like reaching through the phone and giving them a good slap to the head. Not exactly what I wanted to be pushed to, but totally out of the frustration that one feels these days when trying to get through to some of these companies. So, I decided to try to be gentle with them and especially with myself. It is still an ongoing fight with one company, but I find I can repeat in my mind the “be gentle” mantra, and start to calm myself now.
Suleika, you are one of the main reasons I joined Substack—so being able to offer a prompt to your community is a wild full circle moment for me.
Thank you so much. I am all here for your unapologetic direction. And thank you to everyone who has read my essay and shared your own word story. I’m blown away. Being brazen is leading me to unexpected blessings like these and I cherish all your thoughtful answers so, so much.
Anyone who is ill or grieving or facing challenges that they’ve shared gets an automatic pass if they have to cancel, period. It’s kind of you to apologize, but not necessary - we will see you when the circumstances improve.
Enough! I just want to be enough. I loved my parents but they failed me in so many ways. They always told me I was nothing, I would never amount to anything. Shamed me at times. I loved to draw and people some people encouraged me. But I remember a family member telling me I would never be an artist because I was ( a word I won’t write as it’s a slur that was once used toward the mentally challenged). My mother constantly compared me to my sister who was perfect in my Mother’s eyes. I was co pared to my Mother’s friends daughter. That’s how it felt to me. Nothing I did was right whether it was cleaning house or homework. Sometimes they would outright laugh at me in front of other people. So I was never enough.
One thing my mother did do for me was take me for riding lessons and yes she was critical. But it was something I loved and when I found the right riding instructors everything fell into place and I was good at riding.
There are so many things I love doing and I stop because the voice of not being enough chimes in. When I started seeing my now partner whenever he talked about his ex my mind would build this phantom woman into someone much better then me in every way. I was never going to be pretty enough, or organizes enough or anything enough. Not being enough led to constantly comparing myself and the voices in my head were there to say “See! You’ll never be as good as! You’ll never be enough!
When I don’t do the things in my home that I should I would be upset with myself. I’m trying to turn things around, last weekend I started on a corner in my bedroom. I started cleaning and organizing jewelry as a start. It wasn’t everything but it was a start so it was enough for that day. I joined a gym again. I’m not to where I used to be when I worked out regularly. I’m also healing from a broken wrist and hand surgery so I have to start slow. Also I’m 64 not my active 40 something self. When that voice chimes to criticize I silence it and say to myself “you did what you could with where you are right now. It was enough. You’ll get your groove back.”
Now I just need to get out an art pad and start to draw again. I know when I start and see the early results I’ll probably roll my eyes. But I will keep doing it. Drawing isn’t like riding a bike. You just don’t get back on. You don’t retain if you don’t do it every day. So this will be a process. But every little line will add up to be enough. Thanks you to anyone who took the time to read and listen. I hope this is enough!
"""Courage"" i read it first in the Bible, actually i heard someone on the radio read it from the Bible, before i even opened the Bible., Joshua 1: 9 Be strong and courageous"" it says it's an order from the Lord that when things go wrong in life as they certainly will, when you face life's hardships, when everything seem to be falling away at the seams, to have "Courage" It has allowed me to not fall apart and get through the most difficult times.I'm not an artist in any way, but i guess you could say in every way a little bit of artist in me in every way. Thank you for making us ""think" and also to be thankful and grateful, two things that are missing from society as a whole these days
Well I really am not a writer so I hope this isn't a rambling note of confusion. But Tatiana's Brazen article enlightened me on another way to deal with fear. Fear being a completely new and foreign thing to me.
Up until my illness, late in life, I would say my lifestyle was fast and furious. I had my family to care for and I had my business, I was on my hamster wheel running as fast as I could, always trying to grab that next thing. My focus was on money and success, I was oblivious to my body, I worked long hours, I ate poorly sticking with fast food, it was quick, and I was busy! I knew nothing of my body and what I was putting into it. My emotions and fear were buried, I had learned at an early age to suppress those feelings. I had maintained a firm hard control of my fear and emotions, and they were never to be seen by me or anyone else. Because my emotions and fear were suppressed, my stress, seemingly hidden from me and with no release, was just building up all my life and I did not know it. I was stressed, caffeinated, and got little exercise; how could I find time to exercise when I was so busy! In short after years of unknowingly abusing myself, my body finally called me on it, and I became deathly ill.
My lifestyle, attitude and lack of fear almost killed me and now my difficult journey to overcome untold obstacles and recover took all my strength and mental capacity. My beliefs and, who I was, were shaken to their very core. I had many ups and downs and moments of feeling utterly defeated. But I kept telling myself I can do it! I found it helpful to look for the positive in everything, it is there I can find it, I told myself. One day I was feeling so defeated after experiencing this roller coaster ride, I was at the bottom. I shared this with my doctor, and she looked at me squarely in the eye and said, “Dude you’re ALIVE!” that snapped me out of it. She was right of course, I was alive, and now improving every day. Sometimes I just needed a reminder to surround myself with supportive people as I would need them.
My illness and associated stomach cancer had forever changed me. I looked and sounded like Rex on the outside but on the inside, there was now great roiling turmoil, uncertainty and something new, fear. I was lost, I was adrift, and I was alone. Sure, I had family and a few remaining friends that had not abandoned me–but I could not share with them my deepest thoughts and struggles, my absolute fear of my future and what was happening to me. I did not understand it myself; This new thing I was ill equipped to deal with called fear. how could I expect them to understand? that too was beginning to weigh heavily on me…how could I continue? What would I do?
As I read Tatiana’s article Brazenface I knew then that I had to relearn how I deal with fear. I think to not bury it as I had all my life but now to call up some courage from within to confront it head on. That is something I’ve never had to do until now. Much like me learning how to walk again, see
mygcchallenge.com/about
Or relearning how to do simple math in my head or to lean for the first time to love myself for who I am. So many new things to learn in this wonderful life we are given!
Rex
I came upon this quote that I resonated with that gives me the courage to help me have new male and female friends, because most of my dear friend have died. The quote is : “A loving heart is a magical magnet for magnificence”. Sherri Rosen
"Beginner..." I first heard the term "Beginner's Mind" at a Summer Seminar for Grad. School. When I was young, being a "Beginner" was not interpreted by society at large, or my peers as a positive place to be. It has come to mean liberation for me, a battle cry of victory. "I am a Beginner!" I begin things, sometimes I don't like the activity, the book, the whatever, and I give myself the permission to leave it. Sometimes, I am fulfilled and excited by the newness and continue on. I love the freedom that accepting in "Beginner Status" provides me now. Sometimes, it's scary, but as someone with lifelong anxiety, I am a Pro at the Anxiety, and yet a Beginner at accepting it and committing to a small action to lessen it.
Abundance. From one of the many mental health/wellbeing sources I use as compass and balm. It's a feeling, a sense, of fullness, enoughness, warmth, love and light. It calms me. It helps me relate and respond to myself, to others, to situations and circumstances from a stable, inner space of being at home.
Then, I'm more able to act from awareness, patience, acceptance and forgiveness. Everything is weighted, calibrated, added to this sense of space, from where I gift what I'm able at any given time. As an early childhood educator, this presence offers safety and strength to our youngest of today and our future tomorrows.
Thank you for sharing it helped reinforce how right I was to end a vacation that was making me sick. I went to Las Vegas with a friend, it was supposed to be for 7 nights, but by day 2 I was ready to go home. The frequent exposure to marijuana smoke had triggered a fibro flare and the person I traveled with wasn’t comprehending what I was saying about what I needed. So I canceled the rest of the trip and came home. I feel so much better and your newsletter just reinforced why I was right to make my self-care a bigger priority than pleasing someone else. Ty
With: So much of my life I have pushed through and against my chronic illness and pain. I have done everything in spite of my disability, despite my body. But, over time, this pushing has only worsened my condition, exacerbated my pain, made my orthostatic intolerance spiral to almost zero. My drive to produce to be a part of work focused capitalist, able-bodied culture and desire to be seen as normative has actually made my body less sustainable day to day. Now, I want to stop doing everything against, in spite of, or despite of my body; I want to live my life with this weird, wonderful, painful, exquisite, wildly creative body that is ever so distinctly mine own.
I’ve always been partial to a an offer that I believe comes from Kurt Vonnegut: “ Unexpected invitations to travel are dancing lessons from God. “ For me these invitations come in varied forms at almost any time and place. Sometimes it’s a physical sensation, or thought, or impulse. Sometimes it comes from outside me, like this prompt or an actual request from someone to get together or go on an adventure. Where it comes from doesn’t matter as long as I’m paying attention. If I am I’m likely to accept the invitation. And who knows what wonderful place or experience that can lead me to!!
Suleika, it seems your body is sending you all kinds of signals now. Unbidden and unpleasant sometimes. I don’t really think of you as apologetic. You describe what’s going on with you and what steps you are taking. You are dealing with the facts of your condition. In my world facts don’t require apologies. So I accept your “unapologetically stance”. You are you and many of us are richer for that. Thank you❤️🙏🏾
Facile- positive or negative depending on interpretation
FOCUS calmly on my dreams - having reached my 70s is a shocking place to be - it produces a kind of anxiety I've never known - I need to practice being a bit selfish ...
Perfectly timed in reading this prompt. Last night I was at a party for the LA team at a prominent directors house. My position on this film was a step sideways to create looks for the large crowd scenes along side an a-list costume designer and friend. I thought I went into the party with my alter ego I built for these occasions but left with insecurity. I gave my power away. Or maybe I “humbled myself”. This is the first time in a long time I have been a bit beaten up by an industry I have loved. I keep hitting walls of late. Interviews not conquered has put my bank accounts lower then I like. My self esteem even lower. Where was my alter ego I thought I packed? And yet I am healthier then I have been in awhile. I have lost almost 29 pounds. I workout hard. I am more connected to my peaceful self. I see friends I haven’t had time for because I travel so much. I read, write and draw. And yet I felt almost ashamed for filling my time with such self love because I am not working. I feel failure instead of success in taking advantage of a moment universe slow down to self health and care. Health is wealth too!
Brazen is such a good word. Can I steal it? Bad ass, talented, creative force, confident, sexy, smart, brave, cool, focused. Maybe my alter ego just needed one word of cheering. A mantra to remind her of who in the face of she is also so much more and shows it. Bold might be pushy. No bold is to be remembered. Bold is a risk taker. Bold also means self love with care when things slow down. And bold is saying yes and showing up for a career I have always loved. Showing up healthy!
Healing.
Heal Write.
I write to heal trauma. My journey began in 2018 with a cancer diagnosis and continues each day. It's a process of loving self-care.
Namaste.
Gentleness. Having had to deal with so very many people after my husband of 46 years passed, many many things needed to be changed, from insurance to credit cards and auto payments. All of these were over the phone. I felt my blood pressure rise so very many times as so many of these encounters were with such rude customer service representatives. It took so many phone calls and more than once I felt like reaching through the phone and giving them a good slap to the head. Not exactly what I wanted to be pushed to, but totally out of the frustration that one feels these days when trying to get through to some of these companies. So, I decided to try to be gentle with them and especially with myself. It is still an ongoing fight with one company, but I find I can repeat in my mind the “be gentle” mantra, and start to calm myself now.
Suleika, you are one of the main reasons I joined Substack—so being able to offer a prompt to your community is a wild full circle moment for me.
Thank you so much. I am all here for your unapologetic direction. And thank you to everyone who has read my essay and shared your own word story. I’m blown away. Being brazen is leading me to unexpected blessings like these and I cherish all your thoughtful answers so, so much.
Anyone who is ill or grieving or facing challenges that they’ve shared gets an automatic pass if they have to cancel, period. It’s kind of you to apologize, but not necessary - we will see you when the circumstances improve.
Enough! I just want to be enough. I loved my parents but they failed me in so many ways. They always told me I was nothing, I would never amount to anything. Shamed me at times. I loved to draw and people some people encouraged me. But I remember a family member telling me I would never be an artist because I was ( a word I won’t write as it’s a slur that was once used toward the mentally challenged). My mother constantly compared me to my sister who was perfect in my Mother’s eyes. I was co pared to my Mother’s friends daughter. That’s how it felt to me. Nothing I did was right whether it was cleaning house or homework. Sometimes they would outright laugh at me in front of other people. So I was never enough.
One thing my mother did do for me was take me for riding lessons and yes she was critical. But it was something I loved and when I found the right riding instructors everything fell into place and I was good at riding.
There are so many things I love doing and I stop because the voice of not being enough chimes in. When I started seeing my now partner whenever he talked about his ex my mind would build this phantom woman into someone much better then me in every way. I was never going to be pretty enough, or organizes enough or anything enough. Not being enough led to constantly comparing myself and the voices in my head were there to say “See! You’ll never be as good as! You’ll never be enough!
When I don’t do the things in my home that I should I would be upset with myself. I’m trying to turn things around, last weekend I started on a corner in my bedroom. I started cleaning and organizing jewelry as a start. It wasn’t everything but it was a start so it was enough for that day. I joined a gym again. I’m not to where I used to be when I worked out regularly. I’m also healing from a broken wrist and hand surgery so I have to start slow. Also I’m 64 not my active 40 something self. When that voice chimes to criticize I silence it and say to myself “you did what you could with where you are right now. It was enough. You’ll get your groove back.”
Now I just need to get out an art pad and start to draw again. I know when I start and see the early results I’ll probably roll my eyes. But I will keep doing it. Drawing isn’t like riding a bike. You just don’t get back on. You don’t retain if you don’t do it every day. So this will be a process. But every little line will add up to be enough. Thanks you to anyone who took the time to read and listen. I hope this is enough!
"""Courage"" i read it first in the Bible, actually i heard someone on the radio read it from the Bible, before i even opened the Bible., Joshua 1: 9 Be strong and courageous"" it says it's an order from the Lord that when things go wrong in life as they certainly will, when you face life's hardships, when everything seem to be falling away at the seams, to have "Courage" It has allowed me to not fall apart and get through the most difficult times.I'm not an artist in any way, but i guess you could say in every way a little bit of artist in me in every way. Thank you for making us ""think" and also to be thankful and grateful, two things that are missing from society as a whole these days