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Linda Hoenigsberg's avatar

This reminded me of something a therapist said to me, many years after I stopped seeing him. He had held space for me as I recounted years of neglect and abuse and helped me through a time of serious falling apart...a decade of anxiety and depression issues...the suicides of my brother and father. Years later, I married again and it was an abusive man. I felt I should have known better, since I was now "all healed." i had such tremendous guilt for making that decision. I ran into him and told him how stupid I felt for doing that. He reminded me of just what Carmen writes about...that many things led up to the decision to fall in love with...and marry another abusive man. I had done the best I could with everything I knew up to that point. Soon I will be celebrating my 30th anniversary with a wonderful, caring, gentle man. I did learn...and I broke a cycle.

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Meg Renich's avatar

When my second marriage finally fell apart, I spent years wishing I could get a “do over”. Not a second chance to get the marriage right. A second chance to get the ending right.

Shortly after I moved out of my married home and into an apartment of my own, I started dating. It was an unconscious attempt to distract myself from the heartache and everything that felt painful and difficult. I picked up dating like some people pick up drugs or drinking.

The fact of my dating was convenient ammunition for my ex. He laid all the blame for the failure of our marriage at my feet.

I wanted to be beyond contempt. I wanted to maintain my status as the victim. I had given that up with my compulsive dating.

What did I learn? So many things—notably my need to be “right”, to be blameless, to be justified. My sense of worth was so fragile that I could not afford to be challenged—I would fall apart like a house of cards.

What’s different? I accept that I am flawed and guilty and that I cannot escape being human, but I also learned that I am good enough, that I am worthy. Worthy of love, compassion and forgiveness, from others and from myself.

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