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Linda Hoenigsberg's avatar

This reminded me of something a therapist said to me, many years after I stopped seeing him. He had held space for me as I recounted years of neglect and abuse and helped me through a time of serious falling apart...a decade of anxiety and depression issues...the suicides of my brother and father. Years later, I married again and it was an abusive man. I felt I should have known better, since I was now "all healed." i had such tremendous guilt for making that decision. I ran into him and told him how stupid I felt for doing that. He reminded me of just what Carmen writes about...that many things led up to the decision to fall in love with...and marry another abusive man. I had done the best I could with everything I knew up to that point. Soon I will be celebrating my 30th anniversary with a wonderful, caring, gentle man. I did learn...and I broke a cycle.

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Carmen Radley's avatar

That last line, Linda—just so so gorgeous. Thank you for sharing this story ❤️

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Susan's avatar

You broke the cycle. I love this...❤️

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Linda Hoenigsberg's avatar

I read about breaking the cycle in Maria Shriver's newsletter this morning. I realized I had done that in quite a few ways and it helped me to think that way about my life. Her column this morning on Tyre Nichols was so touching.

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Karen Cadiero-Kaplan's avatar

Yes breaking the cycles, I’ve witnessed this in my own life these past few years in making that conscious effort and it’s truly freeing and the heart know 💜

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Mollie I.'s avatar

My friend calls them “practice husbands”. We learn and move on. I have one as well. I learned what not to accept and found a wonderful person to be with now. It takes time to learn all this, and the learning part is really hard. However, without that learning, we’d never find out what’s right for us. ❤️

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Susan Graves's avatar

Wow... here's to your 30th, Linda. Here's to the exact right timing in life.. in spite of it all.

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Linda Hoenigsberg's avatar

Thanks, Susan. I am very lucky he found me. I almost turned him down...too nice. LOL

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Tamzin's avatar

Lovely! We can learn, we can break our unhealthy patterns, we just need patience with ourselves and forgiveness for our past selves. Beautiful...

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Linda Hoenigsberg's avatar

Yes...it took many tries. I didn't understand that I was attracted to unhealthy and was looking in that population...it took me a long time to see that and to give a healthy man a chance. I felt SO COMFORTABLE with dysfunction...it felt like "home." Now I'm 71. I have healed through almost 30 years of unconditional love and kindness.

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Susan's avatar

You broke the cycle. I love this...❤️

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Margaret Benson's avatar

OMG!❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Meg Renich's avatar

When my second marriage finally fell apart, I spent years wishing I could get a “do over”. Not a second chance to get the marriage right. A second chance to get the ending right.

Shortly after I moved out of my married home and into an apartment of my own, I started dating. It was an unconscious attempt to distract myself from the heartache and everything that felt painful and difficult. I picked up dating like some people pick up drugs or drinking.

The fact of my dating was convenient ammunition for my ex. He laid all the blame for the failure of our marriage at my feet.

I wanted to be beyond contempt. I wanted to maintain my status as the victim. I had given that up with my compulsive dating.

What did I learn? So many things—notably my need to be “right”, to be blameless, to be justified. My sense of worth was so fragile that I could not afford to be challenged—I would fall apart like a house of cards.

What’s different? I accept that I am flawed and guilty and that I cannot escape being human, but I also learned that I am good enough, that I am worthy. Worthy of love, compassion and forgiveness, from others and from myself.

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Carmen Radley's avatar

The idea of being right/perfect/blameless = being worthy is so familiar to me, but your last paragraph feels truer ❤️

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Mary McKnight's avatar

Yes! And worthy of time alone to figure out "you." It's scary to be alone, and then...it's not. May the whole process of divorce bring you back to you. You are brave.

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Jade Brooke-Langham's avatar

Oh the need to be right in this situation! I relate so much to your experience Meghan thank you for sharing.

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Susan Graves's avatar

Love this. No escaping being human. Yes. This. Thanks Meghan.

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Bonnie's avatar

I believe very deeply that we deserve, and have every right to practice, self-compassion. I believe we are doing our best, even when that best fails terribly, and does harm. And, I believe we must take responsibility for the harm we’ve done, rather than hide behind “I did my best.” And we need to apologize, and work to change. Maya Angelou said it best: do the best you can until you know better. Once you know better, do better.

I know from personal experience that one can deeply wound loved ones while doing one’s best (because we ourselves are wounded). I believe that self compassion, taking responsibility and apologizing, and changing all go together. And I think that no matter how much one changes for “the better,” there is always grief that one couldn’t have changed sooner (if one has done harm). Self compassion and grief. I believe we have to hold them both. 🙂

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Once you know better, do better ❤️❤️❤️

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Holly Huitt's avatar

Yes yes yes to everything you expressed so beautifully here.

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Laurie L Moulin's avatar

So well said. And love the Maya Angelou quote.

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Beth's avatar

That made my heart hurt with truth!

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Susan Graves's avatar

Ah, yes, the sooner part. Truth. Thanks.

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Susan's avatar

Beautifully written. And I love Maya; I have this quote in one of my quotes journals. ❤️

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Laurie L Moulin's avatar

I just added this one to mine.

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Beth's avatar

I did too!

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Mary McKnight's avatar

The raw authenticity of both essays touched me deeply. I replay the moment two summers ago when I became broken. I had held it together (I won't go into the details) for so damn long, accepted what others said was "the best they could do" while I suffered, and continued my 24/7 caregiving. My therapist saved me and said, " Two things if I may. Ask yourself two questions: 'Am I doing this from the goodness in my heart? Is this the best thing for (insert name)?' If the answer to both is a resounding 'Yes," then proceed. If it isn't, hang back for a bit and sprinkle compassion on yourself for the unknowing."

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Love these questions ❤️

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Mary McKnight's avatar

Oh yes, Carmen. It was a portal really when he proposed them to me. A portal to a compassionate understanding of "me" and the room to give me the gift of unknowing/knowing.

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Mary McKnight's avatar

Laurie, you are always so generous with your gentle, strong heart to me. Thank you.

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Laurie L Moulin's avatar

And you are to me as well!💜

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Susan Graves's avatar

Resounding yes to this.

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Amy's avatar

My father was dying. He was in the ICU. After my mother’s death six days earlier, Dad showed us that he had hung on just for her. When news reached him in the hospital that mom had died (she was at their home in hospice care), his body became infused with carbon dioxide. My sister, brother and I flew into town to be with him. He rallied briefly for several days until the carbon dioxide took over again. Following his legal wishes, his life support machines were disconnected. During that time, I called his childhood best friend. Floyd cried. I told him that I would put the phone by Dad’s ear. Floyd spoke to Dad. That resulted an incredible occurrence--Dad made sounds from his throat in reply to Floyd. Dad actually heard Floyd’s words! Ironically (and somewhat comically), a nurse who had entered the room admonished me to let Dad preserve his energy. For what?!

Looking back, I’m grateful for the decision I made to have these eight-decade friends share their love for each other one final time. And it taught me that as life is ending, that person still might hold an awareness of the people and love enveloping him or her.❤️

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Absolutely astonishing—thank you for sharing this beautiful if heartbreaking goodbye ❤️

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Susan Graves's avatar

Amy -- thanks for sharing this. So powerful. I remember the hospice chaplain listening intently to my long list of how I could have done the end of my dad's life better. He listened and I cried. He knew that I was an amazing caregiving, loving and gentle, and human. He said, "When your parents were raising you, did they do everything absolutely perfectly?" I said, "no... but they did the very best they could." He looked at me... and he didn't need to say a word. I knew.. that I did the very best I could -- and I was so fortunate to do my best at his side when he took his last breath. Thank you for prompting this memory - and for sharing your gratitude for that momentary decision.

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Amy's avatar

You must have filled your parents lives with pride and love. The chaplain phrased his words beautifully.

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Nocapes's avatar

I believe you were right; without a doubt. 100%. ❤️

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Amy's avatar

I remember Floyd (my father’s friend) crying into the phone afterwards. He was deeply grateful to have been able to communicate with my father/his dear friend one final time.❤️

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Carmen Radley's avatar

And this too!! ❤️❤️❤️

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Susan's avatar

I am so sorry for your loss and losing your parents so close in time to one another. I can’t even fathom what that was like for you. You gave your father and his best friend an amazing gift. ❤️

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Amy's avatar

Thank you for your kind and compassionate words. It sounds strange, but in some ways, having my parents die six days apart was a relief. Their health was so poor, and facing the challenges without their spouse, along with grieving, would have caused extra pain. They were fortunate to each pass away peacefully.

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Susan's avatar

This makes so much sense. ❤️

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judi hoffman's avatar

I'm so sorry for your loss of your parents so close together. What a gift you gave to your father. My father had dementia and when he was dying I also put the phone to his ear so he could hear his sister. She recounted childhood memories. He would not have known who she was if he had seen her in person, but as she spoke his eyes stayed closed and he smiled.

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Amy's avatar

How very thoughtful of you to bring such comfort to your aunt and father at the end of his life. Yes, having my parents due six days apart was a shock to my brother, sister and me. It became apparent that Dad had hung on while Mom was alive. In a sense, it was a relief that they each died peacefully and didn’t have to endure the grief and sadness if missing each other.

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Jade Brooke-Langham's avatar

Buddhist concepts just always make sense and give me ‘aha!’ moments. I too have started to interrupt my tendency to assume the worst and realise most of us are just doing our best with as good intentions as there is capacity for - the issues arise when people aren’t doing their best to our standard (shout out to the disgruntled perfectionists!) and really a lot of the time that’s something we can change about us not the other way around.

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Suleika Jaouad's avatar

So gorgeously said ♥️

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Ditto what Suleika said ❤️

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Susan Graves's avatar

Truth. Thanks, Jade.

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Susan Graves's avatar

Jade. You have the best name ever. I often speak of this acronym I heard once.. maybe in alanon - not sure. J A D E. I don't: justify, argue, defend or explain. Here's to you, your name, and this thoughtful comment.

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Peg's avatar

People-pleasing. That jumped out at me. I was raised in a house with an ineffectual mother and narcissistic sister. Ever since I can remember, I was expected to carry the burden of their shortcomings. My sister said to me once, “You’re too nice to people. I only tolerate them if they can do something for me.” Another time after a hectic event, my mother said to me, “I just don’t know what to do with you.” She crushed me a little with that remark.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I felt as though everyone’s happiness depended on me and I never felt that I was doing enough. Thankfully, my dad and his mom, my grandma, were there for me. It has taken me my whole life to understand and accept that I am enough. I am enough. My best efforts towards others rise and fall with the many variables of the moment, but I know my intentions come from caring.

Thank you, Carmen.

Suleika, thank you for sharing the Buddhist concept of right action…without attachment to the outcome…I’m going to focus on that. I love you girl. ♥️

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Holly Huitt's avatar

The image of our best efforts rising and falling, rather than a static bar set just out of reach (can’t help but imagine a pole vaulter here) is very meaningful to me. Thank you Peg!

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Carmen Radley's avatar

I agree! Also love your addition of the pole vaulter, Holly!

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Peg's avatar

That is perfect, Holly! I spent a lot of my life running as fast as I could. It’s only been in the last handful of years that I learned I was running toward self acceptance. The image of myself being able to pole vault over the hurdles of my own making feels like a victory!!😁

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Beth's avatar

Exactly! I do my best, but my best may be different every day depending on my energy level or my heart space or a million other factors!

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Meg Renich's avatar

I, of course, don’t know you and don’t know your struggles, but Geneen Roth has written some amazing and liberating things about “enough”. I get it—and I get being the conduit through which all the family heartache flowed. For so long, too long, I believed if I did or said the “right thing” others would be happy. I poured so much of myself into that empty well. Not anymore.

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Peg's avatar

I love what you said here, Meghan. Thank you. “Not anymore” was self preservation for me.

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Susan Graves's avatar

Thanks, Peg.

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Michael Granzen's avatar

“Try...fail; try again, fail better.” Learning both humility and courage, day by day.

All is grace.

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Carmen Radley's avatar

All is grace ❤️❤️❤️

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Jeanne Fleming's avatar

When I read this I think of my 7 year old when he had cancer. He had to go for the measurements for radiation and it was difficult, but he got through it as he did lying perfectly still through hundreds of MRIs and Cat Scans. This time I said to him "You did really good!" and he said " Isn't it wonderful when your best is THE best."

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Carmen Radley's avatar

What a gorgeous moment ❤️❤️❤️

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Jeanne Fleming's avatar

I truly was...

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Peg's avatar

What a wise boy. So incredible that wisdom can come from someone so young…out of the mouths of babes. My hope is that he’s well.

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Susan's avatar

Your sons words just had an enormous impact on me. God bless him. 😊 From your words, it sounds like he is doing well now? My nephew had leukemia when he was 6 years old, so I know what you are talking about when you speak of everything they go through. ❤️

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Jeanne Fleming's avatar

Susan, did you get my reply from the other day? J

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Susan's avatar

Jeanne, no, I didn’t?

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Susan Graves's avatar

Wow.

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David Levy's avatar

What if the phrase “doing one’s best” is itself fraught with limitations? In the parlance of Ego talk, “my best” is restricted by the Ego’s grappling with me and my choices. There could be another dimension to this story. When I compose music, the Ego must lie down, allowing a single tone to take me on a journey beyond what I am familiar with, what has become the daily “I know myself”. This journey into the unknown, this flight beyond the familiar, is often what becomes the best(or, better). Who’s best? Mine? I don’t entirely think so. Is this channeling? I don’t know. Is this greater than “my best”? I think so. Is the universe calling me forward? Could be. There lies the mystery. The best I can do is get out of the way. Give up control in the moment. Then, and maybe, only then, the best occurs, leaving me quietly intrigued and humbled.

Before COVID I played flutes for people in our local hospitals. When I stood before someone and thought about “doing my best”, a self-consciousness dampened the music. Sometimes, when I surrendered to Music, to serving Music and the person before me, I found myself swimming in a “magical” sound beyond my understanding. I would even forget that I was holding a flute in my hands. A life-lesson in walking on this earth and,

at the same time, surrendering to the experience that “holds us all, and together”.

🏮

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Such a gorgeous reflection, David—thank you for sharing ❤️

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Ryan Rose Weaver (she/hers)'s avatar

I love this. Our best is ironically when we’re not thinking about being impressive at all -- just allowing ourselves to be a channel for whatever we call that Something Bigger. I think Right Action is really about relaxing into that.

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Susan's avatar

You shared wonderful insight, David.

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Susan Graves's avatar

David... simply stunning. Thanks.

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Dr Mae Sakharov's avatar

My beloved tiny Chihuahua Mommy Mayhem passed quietly at home last night. At the time of her adoption she was either 1 or 9 and I think the latter. This would make her about 21=22 at the time of her passing. I had hoped, when I saw the end was near that it could be at home. My former dogs made the trip to the vet and I usually carried them through waiting rooms full of pet owners. The privacy accorded to Mommy Mayhem seemed right and she looked peaceful. However this is my perspective of course.

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Sending you love, Mae ❤️

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Dr Mae Sakharov's avatar

Thank you, precious baby..

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Suleika Jaouad's avatar

Oh, Mae. I’m so sorry to hear about sweet Mommy Mayhem. Sending love ❤️

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Dr Mae Sakharov's avatar

Thank you so much Suleka--Mommy Mayhem lived a good very long life. When I adopted her I was given 2 opinions either she was 9 or 1.. I go with the 9 which would make her about 21-22 at the time of her passing. She was adopted from the rescue where I wrote dog and cat biographies for a decade. We of course did not really know the ages of most dogs or cats and the standard was 1 certainly not over 3.

Mom was rescued from a freezing car in Philadelphia and brought to Animal Control. Tiny Chihuahua's are rare and I was given her by my rescue as a gift for all those thousands of biographies that I wrote. She had the best personality, gentle and tough hence her name. That we passed so many years together makes me happy- I am only sorry we did not get the opportunity to see the Taj Mahal

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Susan Graves's avatar

Mae, so sorry for this loss. Peace to you...

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Dr Mae Sakharov's avatar

Thank you -sigh

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Laurie L Moulin's avatar

I’m so sorry for your loss! It’s never easy saying goodbye to out fur babies.

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Dr Mae Sakharov's avatar

Family they be...

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KW NORTON's avatar

A great exploration of the things we are meant to pay attention to but often do not. In a culture as cluttered by delusion and fatal attractions as ours the stance of Buddhist Right Action, of spiritual guidance, becomes in reality a survival tactic. But if only we could learn to follow this path of spiritual grounding as individuals and as a culture at all times. Because as you point out that is the path our lives of suffering point to.

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Carmen Radley's avatar

❤️❤️❤️

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Chris J. Rice's avatar

So many failures over my lifetime. Because I tried. I tried to do my best often using tools I learned in a very difficult childhood. Clumsy tools which often made the situation work. Then as often happens I asked for help. From a therapist. From a twelve step program. I learned to be kinder to myself. I learned to question my own motives before impulsively jumping in to “help” another person. I learned to ask myself if I could show up for fun and for free with no hidden agenda or expectation. If learned that compassion was not codependency. Especially important I have learned to accept myself. And others. I don’t have to like an unacceptable situation. But I do need to accept it. Because it is so. I have learned to live in the reality of this ever shifting life we share. And for that I am forever grateful.

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Micheline Maynard's avatar

This newsletter arrived for me at just the right moment. We absolutely do not know what is on peoples’ minds, and the benefit of the doubt is crucial when unexpected or hurtful behaviors take place. Not to be a pushover, but to realize it may have very little to do with you. As for our own actions, the phrase that I find helpful is, “You did your best at the time.” The idea is that you will learn from the experience, so that if you find yourself in the same situation again, you will act more graciously.

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Sue Jamieson's avatar

Love your comment, Michelin. We trespass on others and they continue to do so to us.

This will happen, but we know(better) a little more each time. Grace to all seekers of wisdom!!!

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Sherri Rosen's avatar

I read “When Things Fall Apart” by Ana Pema Chodron. An American Buddhist nun, who I was fortunate enough to study with many years ago. This book is a lifesaver. It’s telling me okay it all fell apart now you have an opportunity to change from within-this is good news! Yeah! For years I put myself down because I was terrified to go to demonstrations of any kind and I wanted to go so bad but I felt like I was a failure to me, my children and my country. By the time Pema’s book came out I had done so much inner work and found out why I was so terrified of demonstrations-my mum for years had beaten me violently and I was in this trauma which actually paralyzes and freezes me. I eventually was able to go to demonstrations with all the trauma work I did but when I read Pema’s book I realized I had not given myself grace and love that I so needed. Once I did that the space opened up and I not only had great compassion for myself, but my mother as well. (now don’t get me wrong- I knew what she did to me was wrong, but compassion allowed for love, lack of judgement and a deeper inner strength to understand myself and others.

Added to this I must say “Goddess bless our community where I can speak so freely and intimately and feel safe in doing so. Safe spaces to share my most intimate experiences and what I’ve learned are sacred space like my home.

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Love the idea of falling apart being "an opportunity to change from within" ❤️

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Sherri Rosen's avatar

It was so amazing to me when I first read it. For me a wonderful way to look at life

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Mollie I.'s avatar

I’ve learned so much from that book and from Pema’s other works on compassion. I can’t recommend them highly enough!

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Jacinta's avatar

Sherri, thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us here. I am honored to read of your struggle and strength. Wishing you many sacred homes.

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Sherri Rosen's avatar

Thank you so much

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Laurie L Moulin's avatar

❤️

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kimberly standiford's avatar

My iPad is just about out of battery so I just want to make a brief comment before it dies---- I LOVE everything about suleika and Carmen--- the writing, the authenticity, all the gifts that they are always sharing with the community ✨I am so grateful for their love and friendship even though we have never met in person....but I’m thinking that may happen in the future ❤️meantime I wanted to tell you both that I bought myself a black and red checkered shirt, just like the one in the adorable picture of the two of you. Whenever I wear it ( I live in miami‼️) I feel cozy and warm and I feel like Carmen and suleika are wrapped around with me.... it’s very sweet. ❌⭕️❌⭕️big hugs to all

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Carmen Radley's avatar

Buffalo plaid forever! ❤️🖤

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Karen Cadiero-Kaplan's avatar

Ditto all that Kimberly!! The authenticity of the stories and the prompt left me feeling so grateful as you so beautifully stated! I can’t say I have the buffalo plaid (yet)!

I believe just showing up sometimes is “our best” as so often it is the “expectations” of what “best” is that causes doubt, pain, regret, etc. thus living in right action provides a path of greater compassion and acceptance. May we all walk in loving kindness ❤️🙏🏼

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