“How do you keep going?” This is something so many asked me when my 15-year old daughter was in cancer treatment. “She is so brave.” Another statement I heard over and over. Instead of comforting me, those statements angered me. In my own suffering mind, they made it sound as if we had a choice to be there, when the reality was that we had no other choice. And some days, I barely kept going and she wasn’t brave. I felt that by people saying that, we were obligated to be brave when sometimes I didn’t want to or simply couldn’t be. I wanted to be terrified, weak, vulnerable…because those feelings were real, not something I was forcing myself to be. I wish someone had said, “I’m amazed by your resilience,” instead because, while I was not always strong, I always kept fighting for my daughter…the love of my life. That was how I kept going. While it was messy and ugly sometimes, I did keep going for her because I love her more than anything else in the world and would give everything I have to support her in this terrible journey that cancer takes you on. I pray for you every day, Suleika. Your book has brought me much healing in my journey with my daughter. Thank you. 💛
I am so thankful for your writings. I relate to them on various levels in my own cancer journey. (Going on 12 years. Metastatic.) Just working the maintenance plan. One day at a time. Yesterday I felt nudged to pick up some paints and brushes and paper. (Inspired by Suleika). I liken my life to an Etch-a-Sketch. Draw. Shake. Redo. Over and over again. ... Every day a new day. I keep my joy jar full making sure I always have fresh flowers in a vase; a letter on to go to someone in my vast family; and re-reading your 100s of posts, prompts, and book. Each of your posts providing nuggets of hope and encouragement. For example... Remember writing about the little boy who mailed a letter to his mail carrier? I followed your prompt and did that. Twice. It was a delightful experience. ....Thank you for being a steady inspirer. Your words landing in the hammock of my heart, fueling it with steady possibilities. You are deeply loved.
So many blessings to both of you, Suleika and Anne, on this journey. In my Buddhist studies, I came across a teaching that says “behind all hardening and tightening and rigidity of the heart, there’s always fear. But if you touch fear, behind fear there’s a soft spot. And if you touch that soft spot, you find the vast blue sky.” When my son’s health would deteriorate and we would find ourselves once more on an emergency run to the hospital- so many times I’ve lost count, I was so often faced with panic, uncertainty and stress. It was here I could feel my body tightening and my heart closing off as a way to insulate myself from the unknown. But I learned over time, with much effort and skinned knees that when I was willing to look behind all of the hardening I could find what was driving my need to defend myself, I could touch that fear and expose that soft spot - that vulnerability. Vulnerability has always been something so hard for me to relax into, but I’ve found that touching the soft spot with compassion for myself opens that space. With self-compassion I allow myself to be held by something bigger - something that supports me and takes me from whatever it is I fear into greater wisdom and trust- if I let it (big “if” on some days!). For me, that gentle movement into trust can melt the hardness and I can find peace, even if it's fleeting. In working with and accepting my son’s challenging days, self-compassion allows me to better navigate the moments with grace and ease. Warm hugs all around! Thank you ❤
And I love who you are, Suleika- what supports you, your commitment, your spirit. When Ram Dass said, “we’re all just walking each other home”, he was talking about your mom, Carmen, this community, and you, Suleika- especially you ❤️
Marlene~ I am so touched by the subtle but powerful shift you describe here. Your process helps me to understand my own efforts to transform fear into vulnerability into tenderness into compassion, for myself and all who are suffering. Thank you for this and much gentle care to you and your son.
Thank you, Eva. I’m so grateful for your thoughtfulness and kind words. When Suleika’s mom, Anne, was sharing the story about the beautiful bridge tunnels, I couldn’t help but think it’s Suleika who is the beautiful bridge- a bridge that allows each of us to walk its tunnel finding others to share our stories, our strength, our compassion. That’s how we keep going. Many blessings to you.
Marlene~ Your amplification of Anne's image into this metaphor brings tears to my eyes. You describe the power of art to connect us in our humanity through The Unknown. Suleika continuously models this for us all. Blessings in return, Eva
A deep, and dear "Thank you" to both of you for this...I needed it, to hear it, to see it, to feel it, to live it...for my 21-year old, going on year 5 struggling and surviving with various life-altering illnesses. Hmm...I think you and your mom have a book in the making.
“We just keep going....that’s how we keep going”. How simple and how wise. What a profound mantra! I believe I shall make it mine. Thank you for your insights.
Suleika....you are on my mind often. Continue to get stronger every day.
Heartfelt Condolences to Terri. And in loving memory of Angelica!!!!
And how I love you, Dearest Suleika, your, your Dad, your Brother, Jon. .all the love and presence of heart, mind, soul shared amongst yourselves and with us
Dear Terri, I have no doubt that this collective community of hearts that Suleika and Anne and Carmen have created is holding yours at this moment and will continue to do so as long as we continue to mother, to be mothered, and to love . Thank you for sharing yours and Anjelica’s story ❤️
Surrender is, for me as a caregiver for a kid with uncertain health, essential. It took years to learn it, but it also took years of seeing that surrender to a situation I didn't want and didn't ask for sometimes brought me treasures I DID want and would never have imagined asking for. And it just makes things easier than fighting for what I think is normal all the time. When life is so unpredictable for so long in ways nobody you know understands, the world "normal" isn't, well, normal! Thanks again for sharing these conversations. Reading your book and your journals has been quite emotional for me, and I'm just so grateful you are so willing to share.
I must say what prompted me to read and recommend your book, “Between Two Kingdoms” was the common thread of dealing with cancer, specifically my nineteen year old granddaughter, Lauren, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma while she was a sophomore in college. When I purchased the book, she was twenty one and awaiting stem cell transplant. Just facing stem cell transplant is complicated, as you know. Another parallel I found in your book is the account of your boyfriend’s departure. Lauren’s boyfriend of 5 years decided he needed to depart after he heard she needed more treatment.
Sometimes I feel people love to think of the cancer patient as some warrior fighting the mighty enemy, and I suppose there is some likeness to that concept. People love a winner! And they get a little scared and uncomfortable when you struggle to subdue this demon. Just an observation!
My daughter, Lauren’s mother, and I many times spoke about dealing with cancer, hospitalizations, treatments, and all the consuming details of this new journey we were on, and how do we keep going for months on end. My daughter said the exact words that you, Anne, said about it.
There’s no choice. You just keep going. You rise to what needs to be done. You become steadfast. Mothers are amazing when their unfailing love shines through, when love holds up their young one whether she’s twenty or thirty or fifteen.
Thank you, Suleika, for the contributions you have made to this family without even knowing. And now you, Anne, have shared your perspective and contributed to us, too
Thank you again for another honest and very thoughtful conversation. What stood out for me this time was “surrender”. I am a mother of a beautiful 15 year old. Daily I struggle with how to allow her freedom and independence and at the same time wanting to keep her safe. She has herself struggled with learning challenges and I have tried to walk alongside her advocating for her so she is seen and supported. But now I face the challenge of entrusting her to have her own voice. As mothers we lay the foundation and keep supporting that foundation but otherwise surrender. Surrender to the knowledge that this teenager needs independence and the freedom to be out in the world. I want her to always know that I am here, but also to trust herself and know her strength. And through all this time of being a protective mother, I have to remember myself, to keep doing the things I love, to keep a sense of myself. Truly knowing I am not alone in my mothering challenges (and mine pale in comparison to having a sick child) is such a gift. Thank you again for allowing us to experience and witness your relationship.
Anne, your work is stunning. Full-stop gorgeous. We all should have such armor of beauty and protection.
As the mother of an adult son who struggles with significant mental health challenges, I'm often gutted by what he entrusts to me of his struggles, and the weight of carrying it with him. Yet simultaneously and far more significantly, it's my greatest privilege in life that he does trust me and that I do get to carry some of his burden with/for him.
It's endearing and fortifying to eavesdrop on the conversation between the two of you, that you've invited us into. Thank you.
And so much love to you, Terri, and to all those who love Anjelica, the ripples outward, on and on... a long way and a lot of people, I imagine. So.much.love.
Thankyou for all of this, Suleika and Anne. Your ongoing devotion to life and sharing in the midst of everything inspires and comforts beyond words. Wishing this back to you and all those struggling in life. Thankyou.
Before even reading your post I wanted to pop in and say that I love your watercolors! This one really strikes a chord with me because you've posed one of the elephants in the same way that one of my cats would contort herself as a baby. It made me blurt-laugh!
This this this: "It helps to share these stories—so we know we are not alone in our struggles.”
Such a relief to realize this! Thank you for giving us the chance to learn this lesson, Suleika and Anne. It's such a balm.
“How do you keep going?” This is something so many asked me when my 15-year old daughter was in cancer treatment. “She is so brave.” Another statement I heard over and over. Instead of comforting me, those statements angered me. In my own suffering mind, they made it sound as if we had a choice to be there, when the reality was that we had no other choice. And some days, I barely kept going and she wasn’t brave. I felt that by people saying that, we were obligated to be brave when sometimes I didn’t want to or simply couldn’t be. I wanted to be terrified, weak, vulnerable…because those feelings were real, not something I was forcing myself to be. I wish someone had said, “I’m amazed by your resilience,” instead because, while I was not always strong, I always kept fighting for my daughter…the love of my life. That was how I kept going. While it was messy and ugly sometimes, I did keep going for her because I love her more than anything else in the world and would give everything I have to support her in this terrible journey that cancer takes you on. I pray for you every day, Suleika. Your book has brought me much healing in my journey with my daughter. Thank you. 💛
I am so thankful for your writings. I relate to them on various levels in my own cancer journey. (Going on 12 years. Metastatic.) Just working the maintenance plan. One day at a time. Yesterday I felt nudged to pick up some paints and brushes and paper. (Inspired by Suleika). I liken my life to an Etch-a-Sketch. Draw. Shake. Redo. Over and over again. ... Every day a new day. I keep my joy jar full making sure I always have fresh flowers in a vase; a letter on to go to someone in my vast family; and re-reading your 100s of posts, prompts, and book. Each of your posts providing nuggets of hope and encouragement. For example... Remember writing about the little boy who mailed a letter to his mail carrier? I followed your prompt and did that. Twice. It was a delightful experience. ....Thank you for being a steady inspirer. Your words landing in the hammock of my heart, fueling it with steady possibilities. You are deeply loved.
I'm going to carry your Etch-a-Sketch image with me as a reminder of abundance. There's always another creation, another chapter to come.
So many blessings to both of you, Suleika and Anne, on this journey. In my Buddhist studies, I came across a teaching that says “behind all hardening and tightening and rigidity of the heart, there’s always fear. But if you touch fear, behind fear there’s a soft spot. And if you touch that soft spot, you find the vast blue sky.” When my son’s health would deteriorate and we would find ourselves once more on an emergency run to the hospital- so many times I’ve lost count, I was so often faced with panic, uncertainty and stress. It was here I could feel my body tightening and my heart closing off as a way to insulate myself from the unknown. But I learned over time, with much effort and skinned knees that when I was willing to look behind all of the hardening I could find what was driving my need to defend myself, I could touch that fear and expose that soft spot - that vulnerability. Vulnerability has always been something so hard for me to relax into, but I’ve found that touching the soft spot with compassion for myself opens that space. With self-compassion I allow myself to be held by something bigger - something that supports me and takes me from whatever it is I fear into greater wisdom and trust- if I let it (big “if” on some days!). For me, that gentle movement into trust can melt the hardness and I can find peace, even if it's fleeting. In working with and accepting my son’s challenging days, self-compassion allows me to better navigate the moments with grace and ease. Warm hugs all around! Thank you ❤
I love this so much, Marlene ♥️
And I love who you are, Suleika- what supports you, your commitment, your spirit. When Ram Dass said, “we’re all just walking each other home”, he was talking about your mom, Carmen, this community, and you, Suleika- especially you ❤️
Marlene~ I am so touched by the subtle but powerful shift you describe here. Your process helps me to understand my own efforts to transform fear into vulnerability into tenderness into compassion, for myself and all who are suffering. Thank you for this and much gentle care to you and your son.
Thank you, Eva. I’m so grateful for your thoughtfulness and kind words. When Suleika’s mom, Anne, was sharing the story about the beautiful bridge tunnels, I couldn’t help but think it’s Suleika who is the beautiful bridge- a bridge that allows each of us to walk its tunnel finding others to share our stories, our strength, our compassion. That’s how we keep going. Many blessings to you.
Marlene~ Your amplification of Anne's image into this metaphor brings tears to my eyes. You describe the power of art to connect us in our humanity through The Unknown. Suleika continuously models this for us all. Blessings in return, Eva
A deep, and dear "Thank you" to both of you for this...I needed it, to hear it, to see it, to feel it, to live it...for my 21-year old, going on year 5 struggling and surviving with various life-altering illnesses. Hmm...I think you and your mom have a book in the making.
“We just keep going....that’s how we keep going”. How simple and how wise. What a profound mantra! I believe I shall make it mine. Thank you for your insights.
Suleika....you are on my mind often. Continue to get stronger every day.
Heartfelt Condolences to Terri. And in loving memory of Angelica!!!!
And how I love you, Dearest Suleika, your, your Dad, your Brother, Jon. .all the love and presence of heart, mind, soul shared amongst yourselves and with us
Dear Terri, I have no doubt that this collective community of hearts that Suleika and Anne and Carmen have created is holding yours at this moment and will continue to do so as long as we continue to mother, to be mothered, and to love . Thank you for sharing yours and Anjelica’s story ❤️
What Ellen so beautifully said ♥️
♥️♥️♥️
Surrender is, for me as a caregiver for a kid with uncertain health, essential. It took years to learn it, but it also took years of seeing that surrender to a situation I didn't want and didn't ask for sometimes brought me treasures I DID want and would never have imagined asking for. And it just makes things easier than fighting for what I think is normal all the time. When life is so unpredictable for so long in ways nobody you know understands, the world "normal" isn't, well, normal! Thanks again for sharing these conversations. Reading your book and your journals has been quite emotional for me, and I'm just so grateful you are so willing to share.
I must say what prompted me to read and recommend your book, “Between Two Kingdoms” was the common thread of dealing with cancer, specifically my nineteen year old granddaughter, Lauren, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma while she was a sophomore in college. When I purchased the book, she was twenty one and awaiting stem cell transplant. Just facing stem cell transplant is complicated, as you know. Another parallel I found in your book is the account of your boyfriend’s departure. Lauren’s boyfriend of 5 years decided he needed to depart after he heard she needed more treatment.
Sometimes I feel people love to think of the cancer patient as some warrior fighting the mighty enemy, and I suppose there is some likeness to that concept. People love a winner! And they get a little scared and uncomfortable when you struggle to subdue this demon. Just an observation!
My daughter, Lauren’s mother, and I many times spoke about dealing with cancer, hospitalizations, treatments, and all the consuming details of this new journey we were on, and how do we keep going for months on end. My daughter said the exact words that you, Anne, said about it.
There’s no choice. You just keep going. You rise to what needs to be done. You become steadfast. Mothers are amazing when their unfailing love shines through, when love holds up their young one whether she’s twenty or thirty or fifteen.
Thank you, Suleika, for the contributions you have made to this family without even knowing. And now you, Anne, have shared your perspective and contributed to us, too
Thank you again for another honest and very thoughtful conversation. What stood out for me this time was “surrender”. I am a mother of a beautiful 15 year old. Daily I struggle with how to allow her freedom and independence and at the same time wanting to keep her safe. She has herself struggled with learning challenges and I have tried to walk alongside her advocating for her so she is seen and supported. But now I face the challenge of entrusting her to have her own voice. As mothers we lay the foundation and keep supporting that foundation but otherwise surrender. Surrender to the knowledge that this teenager needs independence and the freedom to be out in the world. I want her to always know that I am here, but also to trust herself and know her strength. And through all this time of being a protective mother, I have to remember myself, to keep doing the things I love, to keep a sense of myself. Truly knowing I am not alone in my mothering challenges (and mine pale in comparison to having a sick child) is such a gift. Thank you again for allowing us to experience and witness your relationship.
Amazingly beautiful mother-daughter conversation that supports all of us.
Thank you.
Anne, your work is stunning. Full-stop gorgeous. We all should have such armor of beauty and protection.
As the mother of an adult son who struggles with significant mental health challenges, I'm often gutted by what he entrusts to me of his struggles, and the weight of carrying it with him. Yet simultaneously and far more significantly, it's my greatest privilege in life that he does trust me and that I do get to carry some of his burden with/for him.
It's endearing and fortifying to eavesdrop on the conversation between the two of you, that you've invited us into. Thank you.
And so much love to you, Terri, and to all those who love Anjelica, the ripples outward, on and on... a long way and a lot of people, I imagine. So.much.love.
Thankyou for all of this, Suleika and Anne. Your ongoing devotion to life and sharing in the midst of everything inspires and comforts beyond words. Wishing this back to you and all those struggling in life. Thankyou.
Before even reading your post I wanted to pop in and say that I love your watercolors! This one really strikes a chord with me because you've posed one of the elephants in the same way that one of my cats would contort herself as a baby. It made me blurt-laugh!
Thank you, Suleika, for this comforting and beautiful read. My heart goes out to Terri and her family.